tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199273922024-03-18T21:44:00.157-05:00Daydream BelieverA blog about hope and perseverance.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.comBlogger1513125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-34603902074821791142013-11-25T17:55:00.002-06:002013-11-25T17:55:58.171-06:00We're Moving!Well, the blog's moving, I mean. Sort of. I've decided to retire Daydream Believer permanently (although I'll leave it standing for archival reasons). Meanwhile, I've started a new blog, <a href="http://sensiblewife.jeanmariebauhaus.com/">A Sensible Wife</a>, that will cover a lot of the same ground, albeit in less of a Dear Diary kind of way and more of a "Hey readers, here's some cool stuff you should see!" kind of way.<br />
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I'm not sure yet how much I'll touch on fertility health at the new place -- I'm sure it will come up at some point, but right now I'm kind of in a place where I don't really want to put too much of myself out there in that regard. So I'll have to play that by ear as those issues come to the fore. What the new blog will cover, in addition to natural and holistic health and wellness, is mainly sustainability, preparedness and frugal living. <a href="http://sensiblewife.jeanmariebauhaus.com/welcome-to-my-fresh-start/">This post</a> will give you more detail and let you know whether A Sensible Wife is your cup of tea. But I think it's going to be a lot more fun and informative, and a lot less whiny and morose. That's my intent, anyway.<br />
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Hope to see you there!Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-28912245542220515372013-06-14T15:28:00.002-05:002013-06-14T15:28:27.437-05:00So far, so good...It's been two weeks now that I've stuck with my new commitment to healthy eating and my workout regimen. Of course, I haven't eaten 100% healthy 100% of the time, but my cheats were planned, except for when my husband surprised me by making baked ziti, but at least I managed to limit my portion size and restrict myself to one serving during the week, which was really hard, because that stuff is delicious. Tomorrow is a planned cheat day and you can be sure I'll be helping myself to leftovers.<br />
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I've been managing to get some exercise at least five days a week (three days of walking and two days of Pilates or other strength training), as far as intensive workouts go, but I'm trying to get SOME sort of movement in every day, even if it's just doing squats or heel raises in the kitchen while I wait for my tea to heat up. I'm also stretching every morning before I get out of bed, which has done a lot for my various aches and pains. It also helps me feel more awake and energetic without needing coffee to wake up.<br />
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Oh, and speaking of coffee, I made a decision about that. I love it too much to give it up completely, so I'm confining it to the weekends so I don't become addicted again. I'm making my weekend coffee treats really special by sticking to a good quality roast and cold brewing it in the French press, which makes the best iced coffee.<br />
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Anyway. It's too soon to notice weight loss, but I definitely feel better, overall. Mostly, I'm more energetic, and my acne has improved significantly. I've also been more clear-headed, at least until this week. <br />
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One thing that hasn't improved is my raging PMS hormones. This week they have been raging away, making me moody and unfocused and highly distractible, making it extremely difficult to get any work done. Thankfully, it's been a slow week, with my client projects wrapped up at the top of the week, so I was able to just go with it. I still feel bad, though, because I could have been using that time to look for new clients. I'd hoped to try to make up for some of all that distraction today, but as it happens I'm STILL ridiculously ADD and, on top of that, I have a headache that's getting worse by the minute. Seriously, it's becoming quite the challenge just to finish this post.<br />
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I'd like to make this blog a resource for women dealing with PCOS and the other stuff I'm dealing with, and not just a health progress update blog. I have some links and info I want to share at some point. I'll get on that once I'm no longer headachey and hormonal. For now, I think I'm going to go eat a snack to make sure this headache isn't blood-sugar related, and then lie down for a bit. Ow.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-24603699874177122612013-06-03T16:03:00.000-05:002013-06-03T16:03:41.492-05:00Scared StraightI guess one good thing about learning about my thrombophilia test results the other day is that it caused me to re-assess my health, and to realize that this is an ongoing battle that isn't just about trying to have a baby -- it's about prolonging my life and the quality thereof. <br />
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I was really motivated back during <a href="http://jeanjeanie.blogspot.com/search/label/Project%20Oven%20Repair">Project Over Repair</a>, focused entirely on getting ready for the next pregnancy; then when we were honest with ourselves about it being a really bad time to try to start a family, I relaxed all of my efforts to get healthier. I stopped working out for the most part, and although I still tried to stick to the Zone diet the majority of the time, my attempts were half-hearted. Really, I just wanted to eat comfort foods and take advantage of what I hoped would be my last opportunity in life (before getting back on the trying wagon, which would hopefully end in motherhood) to be as lazy as I wanted to be. I told myself that if I could keep from gaining any of my weight back, then I was doing all right. I thought that since I lost the weight, the insulin resistance would no longer be an issue, even though I still had about 10 to 15 more pounds to lose.<br />
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I guess I might have slipped back into a mild depression, too. There were times when it was more than mild -- during winter months I get a pretty bad case of SAD, and then we were dealing with a terminally ill pet, and then the death of said pet -- and those times made me think that in the more mild times I was doing okay. But without the baby goal to drive me, I didn't really see the point in working hard to take good care of myself. Even though I knew it would make me feel better, I just couldn't get started. I made a few half-hearted attempts at working out again earlier this year, when the weather turned to spring, but then spring became unusually cold and wet and I used that as an excuse to give up.<br />
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But since talking with my doctor last week, and doing a lot of consulting with Dr. Internet, I have come to realize that these things don't just affect my fertility. They affect my chances of living a long and active life. For my own sake, and for my husband's sake, regardless of whether or not we ever have a child, I have GOT to take the best care of myself that I possibly can, and I have to start making that a high priority.<br />
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Just for fun, let's recap all the things that are wrong with me, shall we? Yes, let's:<br />
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ADHD (Inattentive)<br />
Hypothyroid disease<br />
Sleep apnea<br />
Chronic insomnia<br />
Insulin resistance<br />
PCOS<br />
Thrombophilia disorder<br />
SAD and occasional mild depression<br />
Raging PMS, which exacerbates all of the above and makes it impossible to focus and do my work.<br />
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And that's leaving out the wrist tendonitis, chronic allergies, my life-long weight problem, sinus and tension headaches, and other things I have reason to suspect might be wrong but haven't been officially diagnosed (I was also diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago, but even though I didn't have an easy childhood, I think that might have been a misdiagnosis, since my symptoms were likely caused by several of the things listed above, most of which are interlinked with each other). The important thing to note is that the PCOS and IR increase my risk of heart disease, cancer and full-blown Type 2 Diabetes, and the thrombophilia gives me a higher-than-average chance of having an embolism or stroke. Joy.<br />
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So for now I'm scared straight. I started to make some small changes on Saturday. I committed myself to a daily workout, which I started Saturday and have kept up through today. I gave up coffee in favor of tea, although I haven't made up my mind yet whether I'm giving it up for good or just taking a break to get used to lower amounts of caffeine. At any rate, I was drinking too much of the stuff and something needed to be done. I also committed to sticking to the Zone diet as faithfully as I can at least 90% of the time (I will still permit myself the occasional cheat night -- a girl's gotta have SOME fun). <br />
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I also started drinking a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar before each meal, because it turns out that old wive's tale about it helping you lose weight is backed up by science! An Arizona State University study found that the acetic acid in vinegar is about as effective at controlling blood sugar as the diabetic drug Metformin. You can read more about the study <a href="http://www.pcosdiva.com/2009/09/a-spoonful-of-vinegar-helps-the-sugar-go-down/">here</a> and <a href="http://www.soulcysters.net/showthread.php/133147-Vinegar-and-IR?p=1887196435&viewfull=1#post1887196435">here</a>. At any rate, I don't know if it's just a placebo affect, but in the three days that I've been taking vinegar before each meal I've felt a lot more energetic. On Saturday I actually felt <i>great</i>, despite only getting four to five hours of sleep the night before thanks to insomnia. I've also felt more satisfied after each meal, and less prone to cravings in general.<br />
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In the future I'd like to ramp up the Zone diet and start hitting up some farmer's market's for quality produce, switch to organic, and start taking Omega-3 and various other vitamin and herb supplements again, but we need to figure out how to fit all that stuff in the budget first. For now, I'm just going to focus on forming better habits and making time to care for myself before all of this motivational fear for my life wears off.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-82359330031454721492013-05-30T17:54:00.001-05:002013-05-30T17:54:42.244-05:00Hope and PeaceYesterday, I gave myself a day off to process stuff. It was also sort of a day of bereavement, as I felt pretty hopeless about my aspirations to motherhood. Matt and I both alternated moping around and talking stuff out. I didn't really feel like talking to anyone else. I didn't pray much, because I was at a loss as to how to pray about this. Because, you see, after I published my last post, it started to sink in that those other fun complications I mentioned, like eclampsia and placental abruption, can actually, literally kill me.<br />
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So it's no longer just a question of whether my sanity can handle risking another miscarriage or other type of pregnancy loss if we try again. It's now also a question of, am I willing to risk my life for a chance to have a baby?<br />
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And I don't know the answer. I do know that it seems awfully unfair to Matt. He wants a baby about as much as I do, but I don't think he wants one more than he wants to NOT be a widowed single father, or worse, a widowed grieving father who also lost a baby.<br />
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Last night, lying in bed, I finally mustered up the words to pray, and was given enough peace to let me sleep. Today the peace is still with me. I did some more research on thrombophilia and the associated pregnancy risks, and now I feel a little more hopeful than I did yesterday. From what I read, it seems like those risks are usually pretty well mitigated with anti-coagulant drugs. Still, I'd like to meet with one of the clinic's high-risk obstetricians and have a discussion before we decide anything.<br />
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In the meantime, I'm going to try to take Matt's advice and take it one day at a time and not worry about a future that I can't possibly know for certain, and focus on taking the best care of myself that I can, and on continuing to grow and stabilize our business and finances. I need to be stricter with myself about eating a low-glycemic diet and working out regularly. I've been lazy on both counts because I'm pretty happy with my current size, but I could definitely be more fit, and my doctor seemed to think that losing a few more pounds might help. It certainly couldn't hurt.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-76287251251819087812013-05-28T18:18:00.000-05:002013-05-28T18:18:17.580-05:00Finally, something to update about.Well, it's been over a year since my last update here, mainly because there hasn't been anything new to report in the TTC realm. We're still in a holding pattern while we focus on building up our business and trying to achieve some financial stability. But today I saw my lady-parts doctor, and I got some news. And it wasn't very good.<br />
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I turned 40 last month, which you're probably aware of if you follow <a href="http://jeanmariebauhaus.com">my main blog</a>, and of course I'm dealing with a hefty amount of baby panic as I am keenly aware that our window of opportunity won't be open much longer. So today I went in for my annual checkup, and Matt and I had a talk with the doctor about the considerations of trying to conceive at my age, with my history. She had looked at my chart before our meeting and told us something that surprised us: that thrombophilia workup that they did on me a few years ago, that I for some reason was under the impression that it came back negative? Turns out it was actually positive. Which means that I have a high risk of blood clotting that puts me at a higher-than-average risk of miscarriage.<br />
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So. This is what we're dealing with: I'm 40, which already puts me at a disadvantage both for being able to get pregnant and for being able to have a healthy pregnancy. I have PCOS, which makes it hard to get pregnant. AND I have thrombophilia, which makes it hard to stay pregnant, and if I do, it also increases my risk of things like pre-eclampsia, stillbirth, and an abrupted placenta. And the PCOS puts me at risk for developing diabetes, which in turn puts me at risk for gestational diabetes.<br />
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I don't know what we're going to do. I do know that we're heartbroken, and we need time to process this information. I know that there are things that can be done to mitigate the risks. I can take Metformin to keep my blood sugar stable during pregnancy, and I can take anti-coagulants to decrease the risk of blood clotting.<br />
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But even so, the risk is high, and I just don't know if I can go through another miscarriage. And I DEFINITELY don't know how we'd be able to handle a stillbirth. I feel like that kind of makes me a wimp; that some of the wonderful women whose IF blogs I've followed have gone through several, and most of them, to my knowledge, have ended up with their babies eventually. Part of me feels like if we don't persevere in this, we're betraying any potential future babies who are counting on us for their existence, if that makes any sense. And of course, as a woman of faith, I feel like I should trust God to get me through whatever happens, even if it feels like it might break me. And trust that if God's plan for us includes children, then all of these obstacles won't matter.<br />
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And I do so very much want to be somebody's mother. And to have Matt's baby.<br />
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But a big part of me feels like maybe God is trying to tell us that we're not meant to have children. And that it would be such a relief to just make up our minds to be child-free, and get on with our lives. <br />
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And I'm also angry. Because it's not fair. Not only for us, but for all of the couples out there dealing with IF and all this related crap, who are kind and loving and level-headed people who would make great parents and want so badly to be parents, while there are people in the world who don't want children and yet don't seem to be able to NOT have babies, who literally treat their babies like garbage. Right after we got home, the TV was on and tuned to the local news, and -- warning, this is not pleasant -- there was a story about a newborn baby being found and rescued from a sewer pipe after his parents flushed him down the toilet. I didn't hear the whole story because I had to turn the TV off before I threw something at it. I will never understand why God allows this disparity -- why there are so many people who don't want to be parents who have NO PROBLEMS getting and staying pregnant, while there are so many people who would give anything to have children of their own but can't. I guess that ensures there are good people available to adopt the unwanted babies, but then again in this day and age it seems like it's rare for the unwanted babies to survive long enough to be adopted, and as a result the adoption waiting lists are so long that even adoption feels hopeless.<br />
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Anyway. That's where we're at right now. Like I said, we need time to process this new information, and to talk it out and pray about it. But we need to come to a decision soon.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-47417083915929594002012-03-25T14:23:00.000-05:002012-03-25T14:23:22.704-05:00Holding PatternI feel like this blog is in as much of a holding pattern as I am, just hanging in there waiting for conditions to be right (or at least close enough) for it to become an TTC/Overcoming IF blog, and then hopefully transition into a pregnancy blog and then a mommy blog. But for now it's just kind of... here, like me, and I feel obliged to do an update every now and then so people don't forget this blog is here, even though there's not really that much to update <i>about</i>, because the status quo is boring.<br />
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I haven't been feeling that great lately, so I guess that's something different. Since Tuesday I've been fighting fatigue, just wanting to sleep constantly. If it was accompanied by sore boobs I'd be awfully suspicious, but AF showed up this morning, so that cause is definitely out--although there was pretty much no chance it could have been that, anyway. I think PMS and dreary weather were a big part of it, because now that the sun's been out a few days and my hormones are settling back down I'm starting to feel slightly more energetic, although I'm still having a heck of a time dragging myself out of bed in the morning.<br />
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I'm sure the fact that I haven't been working out much lately isn't helping. Although I thought that might be the cause on Wednesday, and took advantage of a short break in the clouds to go for a walk in the sunshine hoping that would make me feel better, but all that did was make me feel like puking the rest of the day. I've been taking it easy because my knee has been feeling jacked up, but "taking it easy" was supposed to mean walking instead of running and doing Pilates and other low-impact stuff, and instead it has meant not doing much of anything at all. So I'm going to drag myself out there later today and go for a twenty minute walk and get back into a fitness routine, although I'll go ahead and stick to low-impact stuff until my knee stops threatening to give out. I REEEEEALLY can't afford a knee injury right now.<br />
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With all of this, plus craving (and indulging in) all kinds of comfort food during the rainy and chilly weather, I think it's safe to say that I will NOT be down to a size 10 by my birthday. So I guess instead of new jeans I'll just get a nice new belt to hold up my current jeans once they start fitting loosely.<br />
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In other news, I have a new design client, but it's a one-project deal, so it won't be steady work. I need to get busy this week trying to round up another client project so we'll be able to pay next month's bills. I also finished the second draft of my next novel, and I'm waiting for my beta readers to finish it and give me feedback so I can do the third and final draft, which is to say that it will be out soon. I need to wait and see the extent of things that need to be fixed before I decide on an official release date, but it should be in the next month or two.<br />
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Matt got his camera, finally -- a Canon Rebel, although beyond that I'm not sure of the specifics. He's been practicing with it and studying photography books, and soon he'll be ready to start a photo blog. Hopefully we'll be able to afford for him to take some photography classes this summer. But I'm impressed with a lot of what he's done so far. I think he's got a real talent for it, and he'll be great once he really learns what he's doing.<br />
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And that's what's happening in the world of us.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-77268953465929354622012-03-15T12:18:00.000-05:002012-03-15T12:18:45.616-05:00160That’s what I weigh right now. Well, it’s what I weighed last week when I remembered to step on the scales and check. It might be a bit lower now. Of course, that’s on my cheap bathroom scales, which typically run about 10 pounds lighter than doctor’s scales; sure enough, last time I was at the pharmacy I stepped on their scales and weighed in at 170.<br />
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But this, 160 pounds measured on my bathroom scales, is my wedding weight. At this moment, I could go put on my wedding gown and zip it up and look as good as I did on my wedding day. My BMI is right on the line between “normal” and “overweight” for my height. I haven’t checked my blood sugar in a while—I keep forgetting to do that, but I’ll try to remember to check it this weekend. It’s hard to remember to do it first thing in the morning. I guess I should make myself a note.<br />
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I still want to lose 10 more pounds. That will make me <i>officially</i> 160 according to the doctor’s scales, and solidly in the “normal” BMI range, and a size 10, and also the thinnest I’ve been since I was a freshman in high school. It will also leave me a nice, wide margin for error if and when I finally do get pregnant, to gain baby weight without having to worry about what it’s doing to my blood sugar and worrying what that, in turn, is doing to my baby.<br />
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But now, this moment, I’m SO much healthier than I was this time last year, both physically and emotionally. I’ve come a long way. Which is not to say that there aren’t still hard times. Just two nights ago I had a mini meltdown over, once again, frustration that our financial situation is forcing us to put our conception plans on hold a while longer. And I have to admit that that frustration’s getting worse the closer we get to my birthday, because I really, really want to have a baby before I turn 40 and, well, tick tock. But over all, I have peace from day to day, and a good feeling that things are falling into line, and that when we do finally have our baby, we’ll be different people than we were the first time I got pregnant, and we’ll be better parents than we would have been to our lost babies. And I still mourn them, and miss them, but I’m not, on a day-to-day basis, just sick with grief and heartbreak the way I was feeling last year. I’m healing, and I’m a lot stronger now, and I’m ready to take on whatever is in store.<br />
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Just, y’know, here’s hoping that what’s in store is success for our business followed by a successful pregnancy.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-30928772060418683182012-02-27T21:23:00.000-06:002012-02-27T21:23:17.674-06:00Unfracked.<a href="http://jeanjeanie.blogspot.com/2012/02/state-of-me.html">That thing I linked to the other day</a>, the one I said was resonating with me? About un-effing your environment and habits and life? The next day I started playing along, and <a href="http://jmbauhaus.tumblr.com">I started a Tumblr for it</a>. I'm doing my best to keep it SFW, but occasionally I might re-blog something that's NSFW, so be warned. <br />
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At any rate, this project seems to be working. My house is slowly but surely coming together, and I'm starting to feel like <i>I'm</i> more together, and I think maybe that this is what being a grownup feels like. And it's a good feeling.<br />
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In other news, I've started jogging again. I can't remember if I mentioned that in my last post, but I have, and I'm still at it. I'm <i>almost</i> up to being able to do two-minute stretches. I don't have a timer, so I'm having to count paces instead of time, but I did time myself enough to know that I go at about two paces per second, so that's 120 paces per minute. And today I got up to 200 paces without feeling like I was going to die. If I kept going, I probably would have felt like dying, though. So I'll hold steady at 200 this week, and next week try for 220, and see how that goes.<br />
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I haven't been weighing myself (but I should probably start doing that regularly again), but my size 12 jeans are starting to get baggy, so I must be losing. My diet isn't 100% back to where it was pre-holiday season, but it's probably about 90% Zone/low-glycemic/healthy. I just need to be a little more diligent about eating my veggies and finish weaning myself off of sugar. But I'm hoping to get down to a size 10 by my birthday, so I can get some new jeans as a birthday present. I think it's doable.<br />
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I realize I came off as really down in my last post, and I'm not, really. I was hormonal that day, and I was SUPER hormonal the day I was thinking all of those depressing thoughts. I just want everyone to know that, most of the time, especially the times when my hormones aren't making me insane, I'm okay. I'm pretty content and at peace with where we are (in life, that is; not so much with our physical location. I really want to move) and with what we have, which is everything we truly need. And I've only been out of work a little over a week, and I've got a conference call scheduled for Wednesday with a potential new client, so things on the work front aren't all gloom and despair.<br />
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And yes, I am frustrated and still get down sometimes about our finances not yet being sufficient to TTC responsibly, but I also still have work I need to do to get my health and body ready first. So, you know. I'm having faith that if it's meant to happen, it will happen when God knows we're good and ready for it to happen. In the mean time, we've got self and home and financial improvements to get done. So I'm mostly in a pretty good place these days.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-36548537647292610192012-02-22T20:51:00.000-06:002012-02-22T20:51:04.724-06:00The State Of Me<a href="http://girlunlocked.tumblr.com/" title="Girl Unlocked - Warning: Contains F-Bombs">This</a> is resonating with me. Both that tumblr and the one it's referencing contain copious F-bombs and other language, so before you click the link let me explain. It's a tumblr started by a fiction author whose blog I sometimes follow, dedicated to following her progress as she figures out how to run her life like a grown-up. <br />
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Anyway, it's resonating with me because hi, I'm going to be 39 in six weeks. This is distressing for two primary reasons, one of which you can probably guess if you've been following along here, which is the one where I really want to have a baby before I'm 40, but that seems to be becoming less and less likely to happen. The other reason is simply that 39 is only one year away from 40, and people in their forties are supposed to have their lives much more together than I do. I mean, seriously. I had every expectation that, by the time I reached this stage of my life, I would have figured out how to act like a reasonable adult human being who can manage her finances and keep a clean house and wake up before 10 AM and not call changing from pajama pants into sweat pants "getting dressed." EXPECTATION: UNMET.<br />
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Sigh.<br />
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So, it's been a while. How've you been?<br />
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I've been vacillating between okay and not so okay, but mostly, I've been okay. I mean, I haven't been posting here because the baby project and the diet project have both been hung up in limbo, the baby project because we have to make some major improvements to our finances before we can even go there, and the diet project because I can't just do dieting in the winter. Although I have managed to maintain my weight loss, so I'm pretty proud of that. But now that the weather is warmer and the days are longer, I'm starting to work out regularly again, and I've got my eating habits mostly back to where they were pre-holidays, so I'm starting to lose again, little by little. My current goal is to be down to a size 10 by my birthday. But when nothing is moving forward, there's not a lot to say about it; and the parts of my life that have had movement are covered over at my <a href="http://blog.jeanmariebauhaus.com">Profeshunal Writur blog</a>. On a personal blog focusing mainly on getting healthy and battling IF, there's really not much to say when nothing is happening in those areas and everything is pretty much okay.<br />
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Except, of course, when it's not. And there are plenty of days when it's not. For about a month I managed to not think too much about having to put off TTC and to just be okay with it, but that's getting harder to do, and the not okay moments are increasing. There are moments like today, when we were on our way home from a mild spending spree at Target, the first time in months that we've been able to loosen our belts a bit and buy a few small wants instead of strictly needs, thanks to Husband's student loan money. And it's fun to spend on wants, even small ones, especially when you haven't done it in so long, and today was a beautiful day, and we were both in a great mood. And then Matt pointed to a truck idling next to us at a stop light, a really nice truck, and started talking about how he'd like a truck like that some day, and I just became overwhelmed with this absolute certainty that our financial situation will never improve, that we'll never get to have nice things, we'll never be able to afford to start a family, we'll never get out of debt, and we'll spend the rest of our lives just scraping by and struggling to hang on to the little that we do have. And even though I don't particularly want a truck of any kind, I became suddenly angry with Matt for showing me nice things that are so completely out of our reach that they might as well be on another planet, and it was all I could do not to burst into tears on the spot.<br />
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So yeah, there are times like that.<br />
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I'm out of work again, which isn't helping. Things were going great for a while -- I had some steady support clients, and although I was undercharging for my services and therefore having to work my butt off just to make ends meet, at least I was working, and the ends were indeed meeting. But then all of my clients left me at once, for various reasons, as always happens. Projects got wrapped up, in-house employees were found to possess my same skill-set, other freelancers were found who charge even less than I was charging. And while things were still going so well, I raised my prices and <a href="http://bauhausonlinecreative.com/">changed my business</a>, and Matt and I decided that he would be my partner and be in charge of sales and helping me drum up business. Except we haven't managed to drum up any yet. And while I've only been out of work for a week, and Matt and I are still strategizing about the best way to approach potential clients, and we're going out tomorrow to introduce ourselves to some leads, and I know that these things take time and I knew that it wouldn't turn around overnight, I'm still having to fight the urge to panic and give up and undo all of the changes and go back to not charging enough to earn a decent living. <br />
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Anybody need some web design work done? Or know somebody who does? Because I'm available, and I could use the work.<br />
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But I'm mostly just thanking God that the gigs all dried up right when we got Matt's student loan refund, so we've got a bit of a cushion, and really, there's no reason to panic. And I'm doing my best to trust that the work will start flowing in again when we really need it to, which is what it's been doing without fail for the last three years. And I'm really, really grateful that we've been able to hold onto our house and pay all of our bills and keep the 'fridge stocked, and I know that we're so incredibly blessed just to have everything we truly need. But, man, you guys, just once, it would be so nice to be able to get ahead, to have the money not dry up, to not have to rely on cushions and to be able to make some actual progress paying off our debt, to be in a position to help people and give to charity without a second thought instead of feeling like a charity case.<br />
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But mostly, I just want to be able to afford to get pregnant and have a baby. That shouldn't feel like so much to ask.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-64301767302648696522011-12-31T14:19:00.000-06:002011-12-31T14:19:47.702-06:00A Look Back, and a Peek ForwardI can't believe how fast this year has flown by. Looking back, I'd have to say that this year was an improvement over the last two. We've managed to go ten whole months without anybody dying, so that's a check in the WIN column right there.<br />
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This was a pretty crazy year. It got off to a rocky start, what with losing Matt's mom last December, and then turning right around and losing both his step-dad and their cat that we had taken in in February. As you know if you've been following along, all of the grief and stress from those losses churned up a lot of latent grief over my miscarriages that I still needed to deal with. So I spent the first quarter of the year or so in a pretty deep funk.<br />
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But then things turned a corner. I kicked off Project Oven Repair, based on the suspicion that I had PCOS and insulin resistance (a suspicion that was confirmed at my annual check-up in April), and started taking better care of myself with the goal toward eventually trying again to have a baby. Since then I've lost over thirty pounds, lowered my BMI, and dropped my fasting glucose level by ten points. I still want to lose about ten or fifteen more pounds and get my numbers even lower--the holidays certainly didn't help with that--but I'm confident that I'll get there in the new year.<br />
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I also got serious about fiction writing as a career and made the monumental (for me) decision to become an indie author. Since then I <a href="http://www.daydreamerpublishing.com/">started my own publishing company</a>, published a <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1463657560/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=ritalinjunkie&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1463657560">well received novel</a> and a <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005EIX5AA/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=ritalinjunkie&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B005EIX5AA">short story collection</a>, and wrote a new novel that will hopefully be ready to publish in the next month or two.<br />
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As great as those things were, things could have been better financially. My web design and virtual assistant business slowed way, way down, and I went through a long period where I just could not make a sale. It wasn't that dire because we had enough savings to get by, as long as we remained frugal, but we also had to rely a lot on our credit card. Business picked back up in mid-November, but by that point we'd racked up so much debt trying to stay afloat that the sudden rush of income was eaten up by bills before we knew it. Work has remained steady since then, though, and hopefully it will remain that way for long enough to enable us to dig ourselves out from under this mess.<br />
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Between the financial strain and the fact of facing yet another childless Christmas, and also the first holiday season without my in-laws, I have to confess that we had both sunk back into a pretty deep funk in the weeks leading up to Christmas. But the holiday itself turned out to be a pleasant, albeit low-key, day, and I think we were both feeling better by the time it arrived. I guess we had gotten all of the grief and self-pity out of our systems by then.<br />
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And now here we are, at New Year's Eve. I don't know what 2012 is going to bring. I composed a version of this post in my head back in October, and it ended with a declaration that my one major goal for 2012 was to become a mother. But that was before the full weight of our financial strain had settled on us, and it was also before I started paying attention once again to news and politics and what's going on with our world and our nation. I have to say, I'm feeling less hopeful now than I did then. I'm not one of those Mayan calendar doomsayer types, but nevertheless I'm feeling a lot of trepidation about the coming year, and I just have a feeling that we're in for some difficult times as a nation.<br />
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Between that, and our personal financial situation, we're still at a loss as to how to proceed with our TTC plans. My heart wants with every fiber of its being to stop taking birth control and start trying NOW. But my head says that we should wait and see what happens, with my business, with our income, and with the economy in general. Matt's having the same head/heart struggle. So I just don't know what we're going to do.<br />
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So for now, my main goal for the new year is for us to do everything we can to better our situation, both so that we'll actually be able to afford a baby, and also so that if the poo does hit the fan we'll be in a better position to weather the storm. And in the mean time, I'll continue Project Oven Repair and get rid of that last fifteen pounds or so, hopefully getting my glucose under 90 in the process.<br />
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This post wound up a little too doom-and-gloom to end with a chipper "Happy New Year," but nevertheless, I wish you and yours (and me and mine) a blessed and prosperous and disaster-free 2012.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-62457994326383562262011-12-12T15:50:00.000-06:002011-12-12T15:50:57.673-06:00Christmas BluesSo it's been a while. I haven't blogged here lately because, well, I just haven't felt like talking about my struggles to get through this time of year. But the truth is that it is something of a struggle, for Matt and I both. Today is the anniversary of my mom-in-law's passing (we think, since we're not sure exactly when she passed away; but it's close enough), so there's that. We miss her, and Rob, and our holiday traditions that revolved around them. This month also marked the second anniversary of my first MC, and the fact that we're still childless is weighing on us and making it really difficult to get in to the Christmas spirit. We trimmed our tree over the weekend, and that was mostly an exercise in tears and grief, as every ornament I hung either reminded me of a loss or of what we don't have.<br />
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To make matters worse, although my business has thankfully picked up, we racked up so much credit card debt during the lean months that we're still just treading water. So not only is Christmas shopping extremely limited, but we're also asking ourselves hard questions about whether it's smart or responsible to start TTC in January as we'd been planning to. I really don't know what to do. Where we're at right now, we would qualify for state aid for my medical care if I became pregnant, but we're not really comfortable with that. We don't know how we'd afford it out of pocket, though. I know we should take some time and try to pay off some of our debts before trying to have a baby, but my clock is ticking away and I'm feeling desperate to hurry up and get started, as every year older I get the greater the risks to both me and and any babies I manage to conceive, not to mention the more difficult it becomes to conceive in the first place.<br />
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So that's where my headspace is at right now -- a big mix of past grief and an uncertain future, facing the prospect of putting our dream on hold even longer. I'm praying my way through it and doing my best to trust God, but even so it's not helping me to feel very merry or Christmasy. I think the past two Christmases have us both too primed for grief and to expect badness to be able to just relax and enjoy this time of year.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-41419426101048363362011-11-23T16:14:00.000-06:002011-11-23T16:14:30.430-06:00We're Still Here...and that's something to be thankful for.<br />
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I totally dropped the ball on my Thanksgiving advent posts, didn't I? It's not that I ran out of things to be thankful for--far from it. One thing I'm over-the-moon grateful about is the fact that my business is picking up. But that's keeping me pretty busy. I've also still been doing NaNoWriMo, although I've fallen about 12,000 words behind where I should be by now, mainly because in addition to being busy with work I've also been sick. Nothing major, just a lingering chest crud with a low-grade fever and a scratchy throat that never wants to become full-fledged sore. Not that I'm complaining about that. It's not bad enough to knock me out of commission, but it is slowing me down and keeping me from having a lot of energy.<br />
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But the good news re: NaNo is that I finished <i>Dominion of the Damned</i>! So if I don't make up the word count on another project, it will still be a win in my book.<br />
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The other thing keeping me busy and distracted has to do with <a href="http://blog.jeanmariebauhaus.com/2011/11/its-not-the-end-of-the-world-or-is-it/">the earthquakes</a>. Did you know we had earthquakes in Oklahoma? Well, apparently we do now. The fact that they're increasing in both quantity and intensity made us think that it would be a good idea to make sure we're prepared if a major one ever happens here. We also started our winter preps, making sure we have enough food, water and warmth to get us through a major ice storm. And then it all kind of snowballed from there into an obsessive survivalist quest to be fully prepared for The End Of The World As We Know It. Or, zombies. At any rate, that's triggering my obsessive tendencies and taking up a lot of my mental energy these days.<br />
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It's not helping (or maybe it is--depends on how you look at it) that we've been watching all these survival shows on Netflix. We've gone through all there is to date of Bear Grylls, <i>Survivorman, Man Woman Wild</i> and <i>Dual Survival</i>, and now I feel pretty certain that if I ever get lost in some God-forsaken wilderness/desert/jungle/frozen wasteland that I'll be able to build a shelter and start a fire and feed and hydrate myself. I think the biggest lesson these shows have taught me is never go anywhere without carrying a lighter, a bottle of water and some gorram Balance Bars--all of which items have recently taken up permanent residence in my purse.<br />
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Actually, the biggest lesson these shows have taught me is that as long as you have shelter, water, food and warmth, everything else is gravy. And if on top of those things you also have comfort and security, then you are richly blessed. It's helping me realize that only when you have those things in abundance do you have the luxury of thinking that things like not having the latest gadgets or not having a home that looks like it belongs in <i>Better Homes & Gardens</i> are things to get depressed about.<br />
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Matt and I are richly blessed. And today, as every day, I'm grateful for that, and for our health, and the health and safety of our loved ones, and that we've managed to avert major disaster for yet another day.<br />
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Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-65623333698705850512011-11-04T12:00:00.001-05:002011-11-04T12:00:03.184-05:00Giving Thanks: My PonchoI have this poncho that I picked up at the Salvation Army thrift store a few years ago, right after we moved into our house. It's ugly 1970s burnt orange and dark brown, with fringe, and my husband hates it, but I love it so much. I break it out every year this time of year, and I wear it almost continuously until spring comes and the house gets warm again. It's machine knitted and it hangs down past my knees and covers my arms, and it's pretty much like a wearable afghan. I think I like it better than I would a Snuggy, because it's loose and gives me plenty of freedom of movement. I would be a very sad Jean in the winter months without my poncho, and I'm so thankful for that day I turned around in the Salvation Army store and saw it hanging on an end-cap display and knew I'd found the winter clothing equivalent of my soul mate. I ♥ my poncho.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-26133392193496221772011-11-03T20:25:00.000-05:002011-11-03T20:25:55.972-05:00Giving Thanks, Days 1-3I wanted to use this space to write each day about something I'm thankful for in the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving, but thanks to <a href="http://blog.jeanmariebauhaus.com/2011/11/nanowrimo-2011/">NaNoWriMo</a> I've fallen behind on everything that doesn't include adding new words to my novel. But better late than never, right? So here are three things:<br />
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<b>My two legs. </b>My husband, an amputee, is always telling me I should be grateful that I still have two strong legs, and I am. He usually tells me this when I start to complain that it's too cold to get out there and do my 45-minute walk, or too hot, or that I'm too tired, or whatever I've pulled out of my litany of excuses that day, and I know he's right, so I get out there and walk. And as I walk, I say a prayer of thanks that I'm still able-bodied and healthy, and that my legs are strong enough to carry me.<br />
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Related to this, I'm also thankful for <b>my strength</b>, and I don't mean the emotional strength that has been amply tested over the last two years. I come from hardy stock, and the women of my family aren't the sort to stand daintily back and let the men-folk handle all of the heavy lifting. We get in there and git 'er done. I very rarely come across a jar that I need my husband's help to open, and I'm definitely someone you want on your team on moving day. The only caveat to this is that I have a weak lower back, and if I'm not diligent about keeping my core strong, I can really hurt myself trying to move heavy stuff by myself if I'm not careful.<br />
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And as long as I'm being thankful for physical attributes, let me add a word of thanks for <b>my hips</b>. Yes, you read that right. Most women, it seems, would love to give up their hips and have the figure of a 12 year old boy like Hollywood tells us is oh so fashionable these days, but I'm grateful for my curves, especially my hips. They serve as extra hands when I'm carrying laundry or groceries, they can open and close doors, and they can knock someone over if I need them to. If the day ever comes for me to give birth, they should make that whole process a little easier, and I look forward to the day when I can rest a child on them. So I really don't mind if all of this leftover Halloween candy I'm failing to resist ends up going straight to my hips.<br />
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What are YOU thankful for this month?<br />
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<br />Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-56258405736093801142011-10-31T14:17:00.000-05:002011-10-31T14:17:20.226-05:00Happy Halloween!For those who like a little unexplained spooky phenomena with their Halloween, I've been posting spooky encounters from my past over at <a href="http://blog.jeanmariebauhaus.com/">Marzipan Pie Plate Bingo</a>.<br />
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Also, today is the last chance to <a href="http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/66728">snag your FREE copy of my paranormal fantasy novel, Restless Spirits, on Smashwords</a>. Coupon code FU23M expires at midnight!<br />
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Lastly, {hugs} to the IFers in my audience. Halloween is mainly a kids' holiday, and this can be a tough day for those of us who want kids but don't (yet) have them.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgisJ0qVwnBbb-d7_uWGIWn7sHfeBcPWd-K8dXB71Ndq2ex6DZcK38IuY77o4euEe3xnI6QN1EZbBjUUaTsOrn7k0Mv6kOxxLDLooDVRUNH25BUoMaz7Amw1855mzfcur8YHyqNcw/s1600/StampersBest_happy_halloween_house.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="379" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgisJ0qVwnBbb-d7_uWGIWn7sHfeBcPWd-K8dXB71Ndq2ex6DZcK38IuY77o4euEe3xnI6QN1EZbBjUUaTsOrn7k0Mv6kOxxLDLooDVRUNH25BUoMaz7Amw1855mzfcur8YHyqNcw/s400/StampersBest_happy_halloween_house.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-57351979075776633622011-10-27T13:50:00.000-05:002011-10-27T13:50:29.677-05:00Thinking Out Loud About Project BabyI've been feeling run down and blah the last few days. I'm realizing that this happens every month and I'm just now beginning to wonder if it has something to do with my cycle. I really need to educate myself about how all of that works and how to track everything. I never bothered in the past, because GETTING pregnant was never the problem--STAYING pregnant was. But it did take almost 9 months to happen after going off of birth control the first time, and as I inch ever closer to 40 I realize that there are no guarantees, and with my PCOS I really should get to know what's going on with my oven. I want to get the book <a href="http://amzn.to/rWxKUT" title="Affiliate link"><i>Taking Charge of Your Fertility</i></a>, which has been recommended to me often, before we start Project Baby.<br />
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I think we've decided to wait until the holidays are over to start that. As slim as the chances are that I'd get pregnant right away if we started before then, after the last two tragedy-filled Christmases I just want to get through one Christmas without either worrying or mourning. I also want to be able to relax and enjoy the holiday food without worrying about every single thing I put in my mouth. So I'm trying to get my weight down to at least 160 before Thanksgiving, and then I'll just focus on maintaining for the rest of the year. Once I go off BC I should still have time to lose another 10 pounds or so while I wait for it to get out of my system. I want it to be low enough that I won't have to worry about pregnancy weight gain pushing my glucose back up into the unhealthy range.<br />
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With all of that said, I'm actually really looking forward to the holidays this year, in spite of the sadness that's built into it. I feel extremely hopeful that this will be our last childless holiday season--that by next Christmas, if we don't actually have a baby yet, at least I'll have a healthy bump. So I feel like, if fate allows, we should do our best to relax and enjoy what could possibly--God willing--be the last holiday season where it's just the two of us and our furbabies.<br />
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Three cheers for optimism!Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-10782777079318794072011-10-25T15:14:00.000-05:002011-10-25T15:14:56.010-05:00Button Quandry<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicrrfJTAjSIWN5aC-tq_p6zbqMeti5NOlCRLv4gh62TnIGa9cILwES6cL_kFGc-x-vkAdM-74v4HWaU0kilcEq-86HZ5Fy2KkkV6QX-f1sz6qzNSml5O175xiL_yUjOuVkVBFP_A/s1600/other_mother.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicrrfJTAjSIWN5aC-tq_p6zbqMeti5NOlCRLv4gh62TnIGa9cILwES6cL_kFGc-x-vkAdM-74v4HWaU0kilcEq-86HZ5Fy2KkkV6QX-f1sz6qzNSml5O175xiL_yUjOuVkVBFP_A/s320/other_mother.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
I've decided to dress up to hand out candy on Halloween this year. I haven't worn a Halloween costume since the office Halloween costume contest back in 2007, when I went as a Crazy Cat Lady. My costume consisted of cat-print pajamas, a bath robe to which I'd pinned various stuffed cats so they were hanging all over me, fuzzy cat slippers, and of course, a head full of curlers. I lost, because nobody got my costume and just called me Pajama Jean, even though I <i>was covered in cats</i>-- eh, best not to revisit that particular frustration.<br />
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Anyway, for the next year I'd decided to go as Coraline's Other Mother, and I was in the middle of putting the costume together when my employers called off the costume contest. Since they'd announced that the first round of layoffs would be happening that November, they had the good sense to realize that a party would be in bad taste. So I abandoned my costume that year and I haven't bothered to dress up since.<br />
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But I'm feeling the Halloween spirit more than usual this year, and I'm tired of waiting until I have a kid as an excuse to dress up for Halloween, so by gum, I'm going to finish my Other Mother costume and wear it to answer the door to trick-or-treaters. It will be more my interpretation of the book version (<a href="http://pinterest.com/pin/369114960/">similar to this</a>), since the movie hadn't come out yet when I started the costume. I have a lacy black "mom" outfit, and I'm knitting a black version of <a href="http://knitty.com/ISSUEfall04/PATThallowig.html">Hallowig </a>for the hair. The biggest challenge is going to be the button eyes. I tried gluing some buttons on a wire and bending it into a sort of button pince nez, but I can't get them to stay on, and I'm not crazy about the visible metal wire. I think next I'll try attaching them to the wig in some way with clear thread. If I can't get that to work I guess I'll try spirit gum, although I'd really like to be able to easily put them on and take them off between trick-or-treaters. So I might just end up painting them on. I really hope I can get real buttons to work, though.<br />
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I guess in the end it won't really matter, though, as long as my costume is recognizable. Now here's hoping at least some of the children who show up at my door will have actually read the book or seen the movie so I can enjoy some freaked-out reactions.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-38550770557606553652011-10-18T13:22:00.001-05:002011-10-18T13:27:29.868-05:00Goal 9: Getting Our House In OrderI haven't checked in with my 2011 goals in quite a while, but lately I've been all about goal 9: Getting Our House In Order. Matt and I spent the weekend before last cleaning and rearranging our living room, FINALLY finding permanent homes for the furniture we inherited from his mom and making it look a lot more orderly in here. And I can't even tell you what a huge relief it is not to have to navigate around that huge sofa (and all of the clutter that formed up on and around it) every time we walk through the room.<br />
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I didn't bother taking before & after pictures, partly because the before embarrassed me so much (it was pretty bad), but also because we still have all of the old hand-me-down and pre-fab furniture left over from our twenties. So nothing exciting happened decor wise (other than putting out some fall and Halloween decorations); we just made better use of our space. But even though <i>Better Homes & Gardens</i> won't be knocking on our door to do a photo shoot any time soon, the living room looks so much better than it did, and it's so much more comfortable and homey. We're actually hanging out in here instead of spending all of our time in the back of the house. And I'm thrilled that there's actually enough floor space for me to do workout DVDs when the weather turns too cold to keep up my walking routine.<br />
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Apart from that, I've been spending most of my time over the last week and a half cleaning and rearranging my office. I'll go into more detail about that over at <a href="http://blog.jeanmariebauhaus.com/">my other blog</a>, but I'll say here that I can't believe what a huge undertaking that turned out to be. I'm trying to get rid of about half of what's crammed in there, but right now "getting rid of stuff" means moving it to the garage until I have time to haul it off to the recycling place/the Salvation Army/the used book store/eBay/whatever, and I'm running into the problem that our garage is already filled nearly to the brim with my late in-laws' things, and I'm quickly running out of temporary storage. So one of my big goals for next year will definitely be to clean out our garage and deal with all of the stuff we had to bring over from their apartment. Also, to finally buy a ladder so we can access our attic, which I totally forgot we even had until the other day when my mom asked why we don't put some of their stuff up there. But the cord on the pull-down door/ladder thing is missing, and without a ladder, we might as well not have an attic.<br />
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Yes, we've been here three years now, and we're still getting used to actually living in our very own house. By the way, we also have a shed, but the doors don't close, so we don't keep stuff in there, either. Fixing that might also be on next year's goal list.<br />
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Meanwhile, I'll keep working on my office and being mystified at how two people can barely cram all of their crap into a three-bedroom house. As it stands I have no idea where we'll put a baby if we actually manage to have one.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-33666396300128245402011-10-05T14:23:00.000-05:002011-10-05T14:24:01.644-05:00Project: Oven Repair Is WorkingHere's some good news: I decided to test my blood glucose levels today for the first time since June, and there is definite improvement. Back then, my fasting glucose level was 102 when I tested it in the morning before breakfast--that's in the range for insulin resistance/metabolic syndrome. When I tested it before breakfast this morning, it was 93--down nine points and NORMAL!<br />
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I've lost about ten pounds in between the two tests, and while it's tempting to be a little discouraged that I've <i>only</i> lost ten pounds since June, I <i>did</i> take that month-long break from the diet, during which I actually gained a few pounds. So this is actually great progress, and the important thing is that the numbers are all moving in the right direction.<br />
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I'm feeling really positive about what this means for my chances of a healthy pregnancy, although I'll be more comfortable if I can get my fasting glucose level under 90 before we start trying again. I also need to lose 5-10 more pounds before the height/weight charts stop telling me I'm overweight. More importantly, I need to lose about three more inches of belly fat before I'm fully out of the "at risk" range.<br />
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I'm really glad I decided to test and measure everything today, too. I've been feeling really discouraged about all of this lately, and this is just the encouragement and motivation I need to keep going.<br />
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I'm almost there, y'all.<br />
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PS for those of you who also need to watch the glycemic index of the foods you eat - <a href="http://pinterest.com/jmbauhaus/low-gi-recipes/">I've got a Low GI Recipes pinboard on Pinterest</a>. Some of the recipes are already there and some of them look like they just need a bit of tweaking to get there. I'm planning to start experimenting with low GI baking once the weather finally cools down enough to start using our oven.<br />
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<br />Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-15882752824172807972011-10-04T15:04:00.000-05:002011-10-04T15:04:02.461-05:00Tinged With SadnessI'm having a rough time of it this cycle. My PMS is out of control and my mood keeps swinging all over the place. I go from being perfectly calm and content in one minute to feeling sad and like nobody cares about me in the next, and I'm in a state of constant irritation at my husband. Most of these feelings are completely irrational, but some aren't--I do have reasons to feel sad, and I think it's probably healthier to acknowledge them than to shrug them off and chalk it all up to wacky hormones.<br />
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It's frustrating because this is my favorite time of year. I love fall, I love the weather we're having right now, I love pumpkin season and I'm eating and drinking pumpkin-flavored everything and loving that, too. I also love Halloween, although it's definitely one of those holidays that are more fun with kids than without, especially when you're beyond the partying stage (although I don't think I ever really had much of a partying stage). Even so, it's always been my favorite holiday, even more than Christmas, because for me it's all about fun and nostalgia for the good things about my childhood.<br />
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I was thinking to myself the other day that I love Halloween so much because it's not tinged with sadness and loneliness the way Christmas often is. But then I remembered that Emma's due date fell around Halloween of last year, and I realized that if I'd had her we'd most likely be planning her (or his--again, it was way too early to tell; I just have this feeling it was a girl) first birthday party as well as her first trick-or-treat outing. So there's that.<br />
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We're also right around the corner from having to face the first full set of holidays without Matt's parents. I keep thinking about last Thanksgiving, how that was the last time we got to be with both of them outside of a hospital, how happy and thankful we all were that Rob got released from his hospital stay in time to come home for Thanksgiving, and how none of us had any idea that in just a few weeks, Mom would be gone, and so would Rob just a couple of months later.<br />
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So this season is bittersweet. I'm trying to focus on the sweetness, but my hormones keep dredging up the bitterness. I want to curl up with a blanket and watch sad movies and eat all the chocolate, but instead I'm making myself stay busy (<a href="http://marzipanpie.etsy.com/">I opened up a new Etsy shop</a> for all of the knitting and crocheting I've been doing lately) and stick to my diet and workout plan, and that's helping. I'm also praying a lot, which also helps. And every now and then I let myself have a good cry, and a little chocolate, and I remind myself that I just need to hang in there, because this cycle is almost over and then my thought patterns and coping abilities will be back to normal, at least for a week or two, and then my husband can stop sleeping with one eye open.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-3644507980945517442011-09-27T15:58:00.000-05:002011-09-27T15:59:20.788-05:00Saturday at the Nature ReserveDriven by a burning need to spend more than an hour or two outside of the house, enjoy the fabulous fall weather and show Pete that the truck goes other places besides the vet's office, on Saturday we packed a picnic lunch and headed to Sequoyah State Park on Fort Gibson Lake, where we really should go more than once a year, seeing as how it's only about a 50 minute drive.<br />
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We ate lunch by the lake, we hiked around the nature reserve, we saw cute animals being cute, and overall we had a lovely, stress-free day. We also took a lot of pictures, and here are the highlights (click to embiggen).<br />
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<br />Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-24996296524095113632011-09-23T16:17:00.000-05:002011-09-23T16:17:59.813-05:00Not to toot my own horn, but... (Progress Pic)...I think I'm looking pretty good these days.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYfDZYrp5SDWt-goFSepwt8ZxWpWKGNypH0kIPd4D8sM9WR9nhEncSQSj9J_0K7G3rDgDqbDClq8jeQEdOZRWdllXXgFmp1rp7Op4Mr0F3CCMdXXYGrV0jGO2Q-epmWlk0VvNicg/s1600/size12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYfDZYrp5SDWt-goFSepwt8ZxWpWKGNypH0kIPd4D8sM9WR9nhEncSQSj9J_0K7G3rDgDqbDClq8jeQEdOZRWdllXXgFmp1rp7Op4Mr0F3CCMdXXYGrV0jGO2Q-epmWlk0VvNicg/s400/size12.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-4801391172886620982011-09-22T18:17:00.000-05:002011-09-22T18:17:27.576-05:00Sleepy Jean Is Sleepy. Also, P:OR ProgressThis has been one of those weeks where everything just feels off, no doubt because I've had insomnia for about three nights in a row. Funny how sleep deprivation makes you feel off-kilter and like everything is hard, isn't it? Last night I finally got a decent night's sleep, after taking some Benadryl, so I'm feeling much better today, albeit still a bit draggy and like I need one more night of really great sleep to catch up and feel normal again.<br />
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This week is making me glad I decided not to totally eliminate coffee from Project: Oven Repair (Take Two).<br />
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Speaking of the diet reboot, it's going well. Avoiding bread hasn't been the struggle I thought it would be (although I did break down and have half a bagel and some crackers at various points yesterday, because I was too tired to cook vegetables), and I've been eating more of a variety and actually enjoying my food.<br />
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I decided to lay off of the scales for a while, and just gauge my progress by how well I feel and how my clothes are fitting. I <i>was</i> feeling pretty great until the insomnia kicked in (accompanied, of course, by really bad hay fever), and yesterday I reached a new progress benchmark: my size 12 jeans fit for the first time in at least four years. I still need to lose about a half-inch or so before they're really comfortable, but they're definitely wearable.<br />
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Unfortunately, the insomnia also raised a speed bump in my daily exercise routine, and for the past couple of days I've been too busy/distracted/tired to bother. I figure two days isn't really a habit-killer, and if I can make myself go for my 45-minute walk today, I'll be fine. Which I'm going to do right after I finish this post.<br />
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We're tentatively planning a visit to the nearest state park this weekend, to have a picnic and walk the nature trails. I was really hoping we'd have our new camera by then, but Matt's still trying to decide which fancy lens to invest in, so it doesn't look like we will. But at least this time I'll be sure to take our 5MP point-and-shoot, so we won't be relegated to our cell phone cameras if we see something cool, like we were <a href="http://jeanjeanie.blogspot.com/2010/10/wild-weird.html">last time</a>.<br />
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All righty. Time to get off this couch and go move.<br />
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...And just as I was previewing this post and about to hit Publish, we heard sirens cut off right in front of our house, and shouting and "Put your hands up!" and we looked outside to see two cops with their guns pointed at this guy who was backing slowly toward them with his hands in the air. Now they've got him cuffed and they're out there patting him down and searching his car. I guess my walk's on hold until COPS: Live On Location In Our Front Yard is over and they take the criminal away.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-9639446325091917742011-09-20T17:37:00.000-05:002011-09-20T17:37:03.501-05:00I Survived the Baby ShowerFirst, a housekeeping note: I moved my writing blog to <a href="http://blog.jeanmariebauhaus.com/">http://blog.jeanmariebauhaus.com/</a> (but it will continue to be mirrored on LiveJournal) and am in the process of expanding it from a "writing" blog to an "all my creative pursuits plus stuff that makes me happy" blog. Just so ya know.<br />
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This past Saturday was my niece-in-law's baby shower. It was the first such shower that I've been to since before my first miscarriage, so I was <i>just a tad</i> nervous about how I'd be able to handle it. But I'll tell you, six months ago, when all of my RPL-related grief resurfaced in the wake of my in-laws' passing, I would not even have been able to contemplate picking out a baby gift, not to mention making one and actually going to the shower to give it to her in person. But as the time approached, I began to feel a lot of peace about the whole thing. I even got excited about crocheting a baby blanket for my new grandneice-to-be.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6rgFv52g4mVzTGATMa9wy6hYpzOUysJccCFSEVtKPU9XE7i4K_CHVf-Y56Duf4_URWX2uEM7kZB6IG-EZv3dIwZR96eVUZFmfq4ZmnF0fOjX2Jpjf986ueQysvkY7HoGlDQt0FA/s1600/blanket.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6rgFv52g4mVzTGATMa9wy6hYpzOUysJccCFSEVtKPU9XE7i4K_CHVf-Y56Duf4_URWX2uEM7kZB6IG-EZv3dIwZR96eVUZFmfq4ZmnF0fOjX2Jpjf986ueQysvkY7HoGlDQt0FA/s320/blanket.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The blanket: one giant granny square</td></tr>
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(As an aside, this was said to me at the shower: "You're [nephew #1]'s <i>aunt?!</i> You look <i>way </i>too young to be his <i>aunt!</i>" I can't say that didn't help get me through the day. But this is what happens when your parents spread you and your siblings out over 18 years.)<br />
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At the shower itself, I started out fine. The place was hard to find, and my mom and I drove around the neighborhood for probably twenty minutes trying to find the right address. We were followed by the girl who said the above thing to me, who was also lost, while I was on the phone with Li'l Sis, who was the only one with GPS and actually managed to find the place, and then had to stand in the driveway and help navigate the rest of us to the right house--by the way, I <i>did</i> look up the address on Google Maps before we left, but their directions were WAY off; and Flattering Quote Girl said that her Mapquest directions were also useless.<br />
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At any rate, for the first half of the party I was just relieved not to still be driving around looking for it. I was also worried about navigating the food offerings, since I just got back on my diet last week, but they had plenty of veggies and lean protein, so I hung out in the kitchen with my sisters and noshed on healthy snacks until it was time to open presents.<br />
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This was when things got tough. I wonder if I would have had as difficult a time watching the gifts being opened if it had been boy things instead of girl things. But I'm irrationally convinced that my second pregnancy would have been a girl, so seeing all those little tiny dresses and pink and frilly things hit me pretty hard, and I had to paste a smile on my face and practice deep breathing.<br />
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At one point, my Big Sis turned to me and told me she was proud of me, and I almost lost it, but I managed to keep my composure, and I got through it, although after the gifts were all opened I had to excuse myself and go hide in the bathroom and give myself a few minutes to feel sad and cry it out. But then I blew my nose and dried my eyes and went back out there to have some cake (yes I had cake; at this point I felt like I'd earned it), and then I was okay for the rest of the day.<br />
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So that's one more hurdle out of the way. Hopefully, the mere thought of somebody else's baby shower won't be so fraught with fear and negative emotions after this, now that I know for a fact that I can get through it.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19927392.post-68508736408034508872011-09-15T18:16:00.000-05:002011-09-15T18:18:12.949-05:00Be Still And KnowIt happens every Saturday. Toward the end of the week, I build up a big mental list of everything I'm going to get done with all of my copious free time over the weekend. I plan to be a weekend warrior and conquer housework and yard work and craft projects and a massive word count on my novel-in-progress, and all the other stuff I tell myself I don't have time for during the week. I go to bed on Friday night with that To Do list swimming in my head, and I wake up in the morning rarin' to go.<br />
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And then I sit down to work on my novel and realize that I'm actually quite exhausted and all I really want to do is sit there and catch up on my shows and my reading. Which I then proceed to do, for the entire day, all the while beating myself up about it.<br />
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I've been dealing a lot lately with discouragement and anxiety. Ever since the economy went kerplooey (again... or would that be "kerplooey<i>er</i>"?) over the summer, my freelance business has slowed way, way down, and since my last regular client was forced to "take a break" from working with me, I've been running around like a frantic chicken, putting irons in the fire and digging ditches to lay the groundwork for income streams, and nothing seems to be panning out. I seem to have it in my head that if I can just stay in motion and prove (to who? I don't even know) what a hard worker I am, eventually it will all pay off and I'll be rewarded for my efforts. But it feels like nothing I do succeeds, and all my hard work is for naught.<br />
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I'm also struggling with envy and coveting. I look around and see people with the same talents and skills that I have who are enjoying great success and reaping the fruits of their labor, and I can't help but wonder, what am I missing? What am I doing wrong? <i>What am I not doing enough of?</i><br />
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<i> And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. </i>–<span class="redheading">Philippians 4:19</span></div>
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<i> </i><br />
I believe that God is my provider. The above promise has been put to the test again and again since I lost my steady job two years ago and embarked on a freelance career. Somehow, some way, we always, <i>always</i> have what we need. Sometimes I have no idea how we're going to make our mortgage or pay all of our bills, but the money has always turned up when we need it, sometimes just in the nick of time. God's provision has never failed, not once.<br />
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But if I really believe in God's provision, then why am I constantly busting my rear and wearing myself out trying to do everything by my own might? Why am I always so stressed out about our finances, and anxious about my business? Why am I neglecting my home and my family and time that could be spent in Bible study and prayer and meditation in order to manufacture work for myself under the guise of building my portfolio?<br />
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Why am I so worn out at the end of the week when <i>nobody has actually hired me to do anything?</i><br />
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As I've prayed about this recently, I feel like I'm finally starting to get the message that God's been trying to send me for the last couple of years. The Bible is full of promises about God's provision, and of commands to refrain from worry. Seek Him first and all else will be added unto you. Be anxious for nothing. Bring ALL things to Him in prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Remember the Sabbath, and keep it holy.<br />
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The Sabbath isn't just a day off each week. It's an ongoing state of believing and <i>trusting</i> that God is in control, that He cares for us and wants to <i>take care</i> of us, and He wants us to relax and let Him do so.<br />
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Growing up, my dad never let us rest. We were always expected to work to earn our keep, to prove our worth. Now that I'm a married adult, my husband does his best to contribute and provide as much as his disability allows him to do so, but as the only totally able-bodied adult in our household, I feel tremendous pressure, mostly from myself, to be the primary breadwinner, and when my efforts fall short, as they so often do, I feel a deep sense of failure.<br />
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But I feel like my Heavenly Father is trying to get me to see that He's there, taking care of me, providing for me and my family, and that I don't have to constantly work to earn His care. He gives it freely, simply because He loves me. And he wants me to learn how to rest in that knowledge.<br />
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So this is what I'm working on for the moment. I'm going to slow down and enjoy my free time. I'm going to make time for God each day, and for my husband, and to pay some badly needed attention to my house and my poor, raggedy yard. I'm going to make time to take proper care of myself and prepare my body, as well as my heart and mind, for another pregnancy. And I'm going to allow myself to spend time on things I enjoy instead of making work for myself that nobody's paying me for. <br />
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And instead of worrying about what will happen when my husband's financial aid for this semester runs out, I'm going to work on trusting that God will open doors for us and that clients, customers and readers will show up when we need them.<br />
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Not by my might, Lord, nor by my power, but by YOUR spirit. Here I am, letting go and depending on You. Amen.Jean Bauhaushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16383317716820065046noreply@blogger.com2