On Birthdays and Anniversaries and the State of Project: Oven Repair

This Tuesday was Matt's birthday. He's caught up with me on age now, although he likes to remind me of that four-and-a-half months difference between us. Somehow, I think if at any point in your separate lives you were BOTH simultaneously in cradles, then the cradle-robber title doesn't apply.

Tuesday wasn't really the best day for a celebration (as most Tuesdays generally aren't) what with him having loads of homework and me busy putting the finishing touches on my new web site, so tomorrow we'll be going out for his birthday to see the Fright Night remake (David Tennant, yay! I really miss him), after which we'll probably bring home some takeout and eat cake and ice cream.

Personally, I've been indulging in a little too much cake and ice cream lately. Well, ice cream. There hasn't really been opportunity for cake. Well, and it was FroYo instead of actual ice cream. But still. INDULGENT!

I'm basically on a break from Project Oven Repair right now. I haven't totally gone off the rails--I'm still sticking to the Zone diet, for the most part, and I'm still working out regularly, though not as regularly as I need to be. But a few weeks ago I reached a point where I was literally sick of most of the healthy foods I was eating -- just the thought of them was making me nauseous. And I wasn't actually losing, despite all my best efforts, which was, to say the least, discouraging. I realized that I needed a mental break from worrying about all this stuff, so for the last few weeks I've basically been eating to maintain and allowing myself to enjoy the occasional indulgence without any guilt.

I'm planning to continue this way until our anniversary in a couple of weeks, and then I'm going to crack down and be really strict with myself. I'm kind of bummed about this; I was originally hoping to have all of the weight off by our anniversary, and mark the beginning of our fifth year of marriage by tossing out the birth control. But that is clearly not happening.

So instead, starting the Monday after, I'm going to try to go a week or two without any bread or grains and stick to fruits and veggies for all of my carbs. I'm considering a foray into Paleo Diet territory, but I need to do more research there. I'm also working up from working out every other day to more or less every day.

Hopefully, this break I'm on will not only renew my mental fortitude for tackling this last twenty pounds, but also hopefully my system will be sufficiently shocked into compliance once I take away all its high-glycemic foods again that the last twenty pounds will come off as quickly and easily as the first twenty did.

At any rate, I really want to be done losing weight before the holidays, so then all I'll have to worry about through the winter is not gaining weight. I also really want my body to be ready to start TTC this fall. 'Cause we're not getting any younger over here.

Three Pete

I'm not the only member of the Bauhaushold to have a birthday this month.

Our fuzzy son turned three today. That might be drinking age in dog years, but that didn't stop him from acting like an excited human three year old when we gave him his present, that blue rope dog you see in the picture. I've never seen a dog who loves to get new toys as much as Pete does. I wish I took video of him getting his toy, but if you really want to see how he reacted, you can just look at this Christmas video from '09 (and get to see me topping 200 pounds after my first MC. Bonus!). That's pretty much his reaction to every new toy: dance and beg and dance and beg and then grab it and run back and forth through the house with it several times until he collapses in exhaustion and starts chewing it to death. I bet he could power a small town with the wind energy created by all that tail wagging.

Here he is in the "chewing it to death" new toy phase:

That is one happy birthday pup.

38

You guys have no idea how much I wanted to be able to write a positive post today, about this being my new New Year and starting over with a clean slate and looking forward and blah blah blah happy birthday cake.

But instead today I'm full of grief and sadness. One of the first things I did after I got up was to burst into tears in the kitchen, standing there bawling over my coffee while my husband is at the other end of the house, oblivious to my little breakdown. I finally had to log in to blog about it because that was the only way I could get myself to stop crying.

Part of the problem is that, for some reason, Matt decided to get me up at nine. I stayed up till two this morning and was counting on being able to sleep in till at least 10, because it's my birthday. He said he thought I'd want him to get me up because we need to start turning our sleep schedules around so we can start going to church again, but BIRTHDAYS ARE NOT DAYS FOR DOING THAT! I'd have dealt with it better if this wasn't the third or fourth night in a row that I didn't get more than six or seven hours of sleep, but it is, and it's all catching up to me and making me feel really fragile.

And part of it is that it hit me that I didn't get my yearly birthday card signed "Mom, Rob & Bobo," and that I'll never get that card again, and my mom-in-law won't be calling me to wish me happy birthday and make plans to get together to give me my gift. That's actually a big part of it. I miss my in-laws, and their cat, and I hate hate hate that they're all gone, that half of our family just doesn't exist anymore.

Of course, the bulk of it is simply that birthdays are hard when you're over 35 and you're having reproductive problems and you want kids more than anything else in the world. Every day that you're not pregnant you're aware of that clock ticking away, that little whisper that you're running out of time, and birthdays are the stroke of twelve on the clock, the big bong clanging in your ear and screaming that your risk factors just multiplied and your chances of having a healthy baby before time runs out completely just went down a percentage.

I keep reminding myself that my mom had my little sister at 38, and everything was fine. But mom didn't have my history, and she'd already had three healthy children by that point, which keeps that from being as comforting as it could be.

I see birthday messages piling up on Facebook. It's helping me feel cared for and loved, but it's also making me feel bad that I can't say, "Yes, I AM having a happy birthday, thanks!" But maybe it's not too late for that. Writing all of this has already helped me feel a little better. I was going to do some work on my blogging course today, but I think I'm just going to take the day off and read a book or something. I haven't had time to read a book in ages. We've been debating whether to do my birthday sushi night tonight or wait for the weekend, but I think I'll push for tonight. And maybe later I'll take a nap and then work out, and then my outlook will be better, and I can get to that Happy Birthday New Year Clean Slate place. Maybe.

Birthday Outing (& Shape-up Shoe Review)

Today my mom took me out for an early birthday treat. It was so nice to have an excuse to get out of my daily t-shirt & sweats combo and actually put on an outfit and do my makeup and style my hair for a change, and to get out of the house and just be girly for a few hours. And of course to be doted on by my mommy.

First she took me to Kohl's, where she bought me this purse (in deep metallic plumb) and a pair of Ked's shape-up Mary Janes that I can't find on the site but are very similar to these, except beige with light pink accents. I know they were on the web site, because I picked them out online before we went and was so determined to get them that when I couldn't find them on my own in the store I tracked down a salesperson to come help me find them...who then quickly found them in a spot I'd walked right past at least five times. Hi, I'm a salesperson-bothering dumb-dumb. But at least I got my shoes!

I admit that I was skeptical about them when I tried them on. I expected them to be harder to balance on, but they were actually pretty easy to walk in. I decided to get them anyway, and kept them on for the rest of the day. We did more shopping at Kohl's and then stopped at three more stores after we grabbed lunch, and by the time we were leaving store #2, my inner thighs were starting to burn a little, so the shoes were definitely doing something. I also noticed myself standing up straighter in them. So I guess they don't throw off your balance enough to be really noticeable, but just enough to make you unconsciously work to stay upright. I don't expect them to replace my regular workouts, but I think they'll give my overall fitness routine a little boost, especially if I wear them on days I don't have time to work out (and don't sit at my desk all day).

Mom also made me cry by giving me a star sapphire necklace that my grandmother had originally gotten her and that she's worn all my life. She has jewelry that she's designated for me and each of my sisters that she'd been planning to leave to each of us in her will, but she decided she'd rather enjoy seeing us enjoy them while she's still with us. So we're getting them for our birthdays this year (pretend you didn't read this part if you're my sister, okay?). Of course I have mixed feelings about this. I've loved this necklace since I was a little girl and it means a lot to me to have it in my possession, but I also don't like to go anywhere near the subject of my mom not being here someday. So I almost refused to take it, pointing out that she's still got plenty of years left to enjoy wearing it herself. But she said at this point she'd get more enjoyment out of me wearing it, so... I guess it's mine now.

I got her back by showing her my song, which made her cry... which, wow. My mom hardly ever cries at anything.

So all in all it was a perfectly lovely day out, which I really needed. It almost makes me not mind getting older.

Almost.

37

Yesterday I had as good a birthday as could be managed under the circumstances. I woke up earlier than I'd intended, which meant I had to run all day on not enough sleep, but it also meant I had time for a leisurely breakfast and some stretching, and also to take my time playing with the new makeup my Big Sis gave me, before my mom picked me up for my birthday lunch at Red Lobster.

Lunch was lovely, although I'm mildly regretting going the semi-healthy route by ordering off the grilled menu instead of going for my deep-fried favorites. Matt and I tend to sink into an unhealthy fast-food-fueled funk when badness happens, so after several days of virtually nothing but McD's and pizza and KFC, semi-healthy was starting to sound good; but I only get my Admiral's Feast once a year so I'm sorry to have forsaken it this year. Oh well. It was still yummy.

Afterwards, we saw Alice in Wonderland. It was really something my mom wanted to see that I felt I could take or leave, but the only other thing out right now that I was interested in was Clash of the Titans, and I'd prefer to see that with Matt. Between Clash and that dragon movie I was surprised we could still find Alice playing on any 3D screens. One theater in town was still showing it in 3D, but unfortunately it was one of the crappier theaters in town, which we remembered once we found ourselves still sitting in a fully-lit theater with nothing on screen a full 10 minutes past the scheduled start time. After my mom went to complain, they gave her just enough time to get back to her seat before launching right into the movie, without any previews, and without turning off the lights or centering the picture on the screen correctly. After the lights stayed on another ten minutes, I called the office from my seat to complain about the lights and the off-center picture. They finally turned off the lights, but never did fix the picture. In short: AMC Southroads 20, you suck.

Despite all of that, I enjoyed the movie better than I thought I would. I don't know why I went in feeling so "meh" about it. I've always enjoyed Tim Burton movies, and ditto the pairing of Burton and Depp, the latter of whom was as brilliant as you'd expect as the Mad Hatter. I'd heard that this movie wasn't what you'd expect, and I guess if you were expecting a live-action remake of the animated Disney version, then no, it's not. But if you'd read, like I did, that it was more of a live-action sequel, then there weren't really too many surprises. Still, it was very pretty to look at, the performances were all solid-to-very good, and the story was about a million times more engaging and interesting than Avatar, and as far as the 3D goes, I thought Alice looked just as good, even if it did rely at little too heavily on the "Look, we're in 3D and we must poke at you with pointy things!" convention in some places. Also, I'd say that this Alice is probably too intense and scary for little kids, which confused me, because there was one brief scene near the end that seemed completely geared at little kids and made me slightly embarrassed for Johnny Depp, but it lasted less than a minute, thankfully, and now I can put it out of my mind forever. At any rate, if you haven't seen it yet, I definitely recommend trying to catch it on the big screen, and in 3D if you can find it, before it leaves the theaters for good.

After the movie, Mom took me shopping. She and Li'l Sis wanted to go in together and get me something to commemorate the baby, so she took me shopping for that first, and that part was hard, and almost led to a breakdown in the middle of Hallmark. But I ended up picking out a really pretty bereavement frame to hold the ultrasound picture, so I'm glad we did that.

After that we went to JC Penney's and found a good clearance sale, and I got a couple of cute tops to wear to church and on the rare occasions when I do social things, and some non-ratty shorts and tee-shirts that I don't have to be embarrassed to wear to the grocery store. Then I picked up my complimentary birthday cookie at the mall food court cookie place, and we called it a day.

Originally, Matt was going to take me out for a Thai birthday dinner, but by the time I got home I was feeling totally wiped, and there were storm warnings all over the news, so we decided to postpone it to tonight. And also possibly change it to sushi. I still haven't decided on that front yet.

I think I was right about the day out doing me good. I'm starting to feel better today. I'm not feeling nearly as sore as the last time I wrote, and it's almost 4 PM and I've only cried once today, which is progress. I'm also starting to get my energy back. I'm giving myself today off*, because I never give myself enough time off to deal when bad things happen, and that always comes back to bite me. But tomorrow I need to get back into the swing of things and start digging myself out from under this massive pile of backed up projects and housecleaning and yard work that's been collecting during my recovery. Today's a day of rest, though -- real rest, not "too busy being curled up in a ball of pain and grief to do anything else" rest -- before Life Must Once Again Go On.

*Except that over the weekend one of my clients had all of their web sites hacked and infected with malware, so I spent Monday fixing that, and one of their sites is still showing malware warnings, so I need to work on that today, too. But otherwise, resting. And eating yummy Pad Thai or sushi.

Thanks.

Just a quick note to say thanks, everyone, for all of the birthday wishes, cards, comments, posts and etc. It's amazing how much these little things mean, and how warm and fuzzy and loved they make me feel. I've been having kind of a tough time of it lately, and your thoughts were especially helpful in getting me to cheer up and enjoy the day. So, from the bottom of my heart, all the way up to the top: thank you.

36.

You know, as much as I joke-whine about it, I'm generally pretty okay with getting older. So I did not expect to greet the approach of this day with depression and tears. But then Saturday was the memorial for my uncle, one of my dad's older brothers. I went, and I missed my uncle, and I missed all of the other aunts and uncles on that side who have died over the last few years; and being around that side of the family made me miss my dad in a way that I haven't in a long time. And all of that carried over to Sunday, when the internet church-cast we were watching sang a hymn that my grandpa on my mom's side used to love, and play and sing every time he got the chance, and try to get me to sing with him, and I never did, because I was a snotty teenager and it was all just too humiliating to even contemplate, singing old-fashioned hymns with my grandpa. And that made me miss my grandpa in a way that I haven't in probably a decade.

So by yesterday afternoon, I was all primed to be sad and weepy and to think about mortality, and when I remembered that it was almost my birthday, of course the focused switched to MY mortality. I will be 36, I remembered, which to my mind might as well be 46. I will be 36 tomorrow, and I don't have a job. 36, and no job, no real profession to speak of, limited prospects, and my baby oven is getting old. 36, no job, no prospects, no solid income, an aging baby oven, and in the last few months I have been wanting to have a baby and be a mom more than I ever expected I would, or believed I could, but I can't, because we have no solid income, and no job prospects, and now maybe I never will, because did I mention I'm about to be 36? Pain and woe and suffering, and life is awful, and then we're all going to die.

That was yesterday. That was the end of being 35, for me.

Today, though, I am 36, and life goes on. I'm 36, and life is actually pretty okay. I don't have a steady job, but I have work that will look good on my resume, even if I don't get paid for it. I do, actually, have a few prospects, and I'm laying the groundwork to go into business for myself, to work from home, and if that works out, then it will be a perfect time to start a family. I'm 36, and I own my own home, and I have an awesome husband, and we're doing okay staying afloat while I get my business started, and I have a novel almost ready to shop around to agents and publishers, and it's cold, which I don't like, but the sun is shining and it's an otherwise beautiful day, and life is good. Life is beautiful, and Awesome Husband has promised to give me a neck rub later, and to finally install curtain rods in the bedroom for my birthday, and that seems really mundane, but these are the things that matter and make really great presents when you're 36. And tonight, I get to eat pie.

Today is a happy birthday, and life goes on.

Yowch.

I just logged into my myspace profile, and there it was, staring me right in the face: JMBauhaus, 35 years old. And I was just beginning to get used to the idea of being 30.

Oh, well. Most of the coolest people I know are my age or older, so I can't be too bummed about it. And my mental age still hovers around 12, so if you split the difference, that puts me in my early twenties.

Actually, I don't want to be in my early twenties. Those weren't really the best years.

No, I'm pretty comfortable here in the mid-thirties. It's not like there's no room for improvement -- there's always room for improvement -- but the fact is that my life's never been better and, overall, I've never been happier. I've got an amazing husband/marriage, a great job, a burgeoning writing career, I'm taking baby steps building my own business, and a giant leap towards owning my own home. Life is good, I'm incredibly blessed, and I'm finally happy with who I am and comfortable in my own skin. I wouldn't trade that for all the youth in the world.

Still, that 5 is going to take some getting used to. I have time, though, since I plan to remain 35 for at least the next ten years.

***

In other news, Sonic does not impress me with their fancy coffee offerings. It's really disappointing, because normally, drinks are the one thing Sonic can be counted on to always get right. But I've tried two of the three items on their newly expanded coffee menu, and so far they're 0 for 2. The other day I tried one of their lattes, and was irked (but not really that surprised) that it obviously came from a powdered cappuccino machine. This morning I played it safe and ordered a regular "premium roast" coffee, because, who can screw up a regular cuppa joe? The Sonic crew, that's who. It was burned and bitter and nasty. Strike two, Sonic.

I'll give you one more chance with your blended frozen coffee drink, about which I've heard good things. But if the hype doesn't hold up and you strike out, I'll be sticking with my beloved Java Chip Frappuccino on my fancy coffee treat days.

Happy Birthday, Tess!

Happy birthday to Tess,
Happy birthday to Tess!
Happy birthday dear Tessy,
Happy birthday to Tess!

I bet when that weird kid came up to you on the playground in 4th grade and gave you a Fashion Plate Shrinky Dink she made for you because she found out your birthday was one day after hers, you never thought she'd still be harassing you twenty-five years later.

Holy crap, we've been friends nearly a quarter of a century. o_O

Anyway. Happy birthday to my partner in birthdays and in perpetual immaturity. I hope nobody takes away your birthday cake.