Holding Pattern

I feel like this blog is in as much of a holding pattern as I am, just hanging in there waiting for conditions to be right (or at least close enough) for it to become an TTC/Overcoming IF blog, and then hopefully transition into a pregnancy blog and then a mommy blog. But for now it's just kind of... here, like me, and I feel obliged to do an update every now and then so people don't forget this blog is here, even though there's not really that much to update about, because the status quo is boring.

I haven't been feeling that great lately, so I guess that's something different. Since Tuesday I've been fighting fatigue, just wanting to sleep constantly. If it was accompanied by sore boobs I'd be awfully suspicious, but AF showed up this morning, so that cause is definitely out--although there was pretty much no chance it could have been that, anyway. I think PMS and dreary weather were a big part of it, because now that the sun's been out a few days and my hormones are settling back down I'm starting to feel slightly more energetic, although I'm still having a heck of a time dragging myself out of bed in the morning.

I'm sure the fact that I haven't been working out much lately isn't helping. Although I thought that might be the cause on Wednesday, and took advantage of a short break in the clouds to go for a walk in the sunshine hoping that would make me feel better, but all that did was make me feel like puking the rest of the day. I've been taking it easy because my knee has been feeling jacked up, but "taking it easy" was supposed to mean walking instead of running and doing Pilates and other low-impact stuff, and instead it has meant not doing much of anything at all. So I'm going to drag myself out there later today and go for a twenty minute walk and get back into a fitness routine, although I'll go ahead and stick to low-impact stuff until my knee stops threatening to give out. I REEEEEALLY can't afford a knee injury right now.

With all of this, plus craving (and indulging in) all kinds of comfort food during the rainy and chilly weather, I think it's safe to say that I will NOT be down to a size 10 by my birthday. So I guess instead of new jeans I'll just get a nice new belt to hold up my current jeans once they start fitting loosely.

In other news, I have a new design client, but it's a one-project deal, so it won't be steady work. I need to get busy this week trying to round up another client project so we'll be able to pay next month's bills. I also finished the second draft of my next novel, and I'm waiting for my beta readers to finish it and give me feedback so I can do the third and final draft, which is to say that it will be out soon. I need to wait and see the extent of things that need to be fixed before I decide on an official release date, but it should be in the next month or two.

Matt got his camera, finally -- a Canon Rebel, although beyond that I'm not sure of the specifics. He's been practicing with it and studying photography books, and soon he'll be ready to start a photo blog. Hopefully we'll be able to afford for him to take some photography classes this summer. But I'm impressed with a lot of what he's done so far. I think he's got a real talent for it, and he'll be great once he really learns what he's doing.

And that's what's happening in the world of us.

Unfracked.

That thing I linked to the other day, the one I said was resonating with me? About un-effing your environment and habits and life? The next day I started playing along, and I started a Tumblr for it. I'm doing my best to keep it SFW, but occasionally I might re-blog something that's NSFW, so be warned.

At any rate, this project seems to be working. My house is slowly but surely coming together, and I'm starting to feel like I'm more together, and I think maybe that this is what being a grownup feels like. And it's a good feeling.

In other news, I've started jogging again. I can't remember if I mentioned that in my last post, but I have, and I'm still at it. I'm almost up to being able to do two-minute stretches. I don't have a timer, so I'm having to count paces instead of time, but I did time myself enough to know that I go at about two paces per second, so that's 120 paces per minute. And today I got up to 200 paces without feeling like I was going to die. If I kept going, I probably would have felt like dying, though. So I'll hold steady at 200 this week, and next week try for 220, and see how that goes.

I haven't been weighing myself (but I should probably start doing that regularly again), but my size 12 jeans are starting to get baggy, so I must be losing. My diet isn't 100% back to where it was pre-holiday season, but it's probably about 90% Zone/low-glycemic/healthy. I just need to be a little more diligent about eating my veggies and finish weaning myself off of sugar. But I'm hoping to get down to a size 10 by my birthday, so I can get some new jeans as a birthday present. I think it's doable.

I realize I came off as really down in my last post, and I'm not, really. I was hormonal that day, and I was SUPER hormonal the day I was thinking all of those depressing thoughts. I just want everyone to know that, most of the time, especially the times when my hormones aren't making me insane, I'm okay. I'm pretty content and at peace with where we are (in life, that is; not so much with our physical location. I really want to move) and with what we have, which is everything we truly need. And I've only been out of work a little over a week, and I've got a conference call scheduled for Wednesday with a potential new client, so things on the work front aren't all gloom and despair.

And yes, I am frustrated and still get down sometimes about our finances not yet being sufficient to TTC responsibly, but I also still have work I need to do to get my health and body ready first. So, you know. I'm having faith that if it's meant to happen, it will happen when God knows we're good and ready for it to happen. In the mean time, we've got self and home and financial improvements to get done. So I'm mostly in a pretty good place these days.

The State Of Me

This is resonating with me. Both that tumblr and the one it's referencing contain copious F-bombs and other language, so before you click the link let me explain. It's a tumblr started by a fiction author whose blog I sometimes follow, dedicated to following her progress as she figures out how to run her life like a grown-up.

Anyway, it's resonating with me because hi, I'm going to be 39 in six weeks. This is distressing for two primary reasons, one of which you can probably guess if you've been following along here, which is the one where I really want to have a baby before I'm 40, but that seems to be becoming less and less likely to happen. The other reason is simply that 39 is only one year away from 40, and people in their forties are supposed to have their lives much more together than I do. I mean, seriously. I had every expectation that, by the time I reached this stage of my life, I would have figured out how to act like a reasonable adult human being who can manage her finances and keep a clean house and wake up before 10 AM and not call changing from pajama pants into sweat pants "getting dressed." EXPECTATION: UNMET.

Sigh.

So, it's been a while. How've you been?

I've been vacillating between okay and not so okay, but mostly, I've been okay. I mean, I haven't been posting here because the baby project and the diet project have both been hung up in limbo, the baby project because we have to make some major improvements to our finances before we can even go there, and the diet project because I can't just do dieting in the winter. Although I have managed to maintain my weight loss, so I'm pretty proud of that. But now that the weather is warmer and the days are longer, I'm starting to work out regularly again, and I've got my eating habits mostly back to where they were pre-holidays, so I'm starting to lose again, little by little. My current goal is to be down to a size 10 by my birthday. But when nothing is moving forward, there's not a lot to say about it; and the parts of my life that have had movement are covered over at my Profeshunal Writur blog. On a personal blog focusing mainly on getting healthy and battling IF, there's really not much to say when nothing is happening in those areas and everything is pretty much okay.

Except, of course, when it's not. And there are plenty of days when it's not. For about a month I managed to not think too much about having to put off TTC and to just be okay with it, but that's getting harder to do, and the not okay moments are increasing. There are moments like today, when we were on our way home from a mild spending spree at Target, the first time in months that we've been able to loosen our belts a bit and buy a few small wants instead of strictly needs, thanks to Husband's student loan money. And it's fun to spend on wants, even small ones, especially when you haven't done it in so long, and today was a beautiful day, and we were both in a great mood. And then Matt pointed to a truck idling next to us at a stop light, a really nice truck, and started talking about how he'd like a truck like that some day, and I just became overwhelmed with this absolute certainty that our financial situation will never improve, that we'll never get to have nice things, we'll never be able to afford to start a family, we'll never get out of debt, and we'll spend the rest of our lives just scraping by and struggling to hang on to the little that we do have. And even though I don't particularly want a truck of any kind, I became suddenly angry with Matt for showing me nice things that are so completely out of our reach that they might as well be on another planet, and it was all I could do not to burst into tears on the spot.

So yeah, there are times like that.

I'm out of work again, which isn't helping. Things were going great for a while -- I had some steady support clients, and although I was undercharging for my services and therefore having to work my butt off just to make ends meet, at least I was working, and the ends were indeed meeting. But then all of my clients left me at once, for various reasons, as always happens. Projects got wrapped up, in-house employees were found to possess my same skill-set, other freelancers were found who charge even less than I was charging. And while things were still going so well, I raised my prices and changed my business, and Matt and I decided that he would be my partner and be in charge of sales and helping me drum up business. Except we haven't managed to drum up any yet. And while I've only been out of work for a week, and Matt and I are still strategizing about the best way to approach potential clients, and we're going out tomorrow to introduce ourselves to some leads, and I know that these things take time and I knew that it wouldn't turn around overnight, I'm still having to fight the urge to panic and give up and undo all of the changes and go back to not charging enough to earn a decent living.

Anybody need some web design work done? Or know somebody who does? Because I'm available, and I could use the work.

But I'm mostly just thanking God that the gigs all dried up right when we got Matt's student loan refund, so we've got a bit of a cushion, and really, there's no reason to panic. And I'm doing my best to trust that the work will start flowing in again when we really need it to, which is what it's been doing without fail for the last three years. And I'm really, really grateful that we've been able to hold onto our house and pay all of our bills and keep the 'fridge stocked, and I know that we're so incredibly blessed just to have everything we truly need. But, man, you guys, just once, it would be so nice to be able to get ahead, to have the money not dry up, to not have to rely on cushions and to be able to make some actual progress paying off our debt, to be in a position to help people and give to charity without a second thought instead of feeling like a charity case.

But mostly, I just want to be able to afford to get pregnant and have a baby. That shouldn't feel like so much to ask.

A Look Back, and a Peek Forward

I can't believe how fast this year has flown by. Looking back, I'd have to say that this year was an improvement over the last two. We've managed to go ten whole months without anybody dying, so that's a check in the WIN column right there.

This was a pretty crazy year. It got off to a rocky start, what with losing Matt's mom last December, and then turning right around and losing both his step-dad and their cat that we had taken in in February. As you know if you've been following along, all of the grief and stress from those losses churned up a lot of latent grief over my miscarriages that I still needed to deal with. So I spent the first quarter of the year or so in a pretty deep funk.

But then things turned a corner. I kicked off Project Oven Repair, based on the suspicion that I had PCOS and insulin resistance (a suspicion that was confirmed at my annual check-up in April), and started taking better care of myself with the goal toward eventually trying again to have a baby. Since then I've lost over thirty pounds, lowered my BMI, and dropped my fasting glucose level by ten points. I still want to lose about ten or fifteen more pounds and get my numbers even lower--the holidays certainly didn't help with that--but I'm confident that I'll get there in the new year.

I also got serious about fiction writing as a career and made the monumental (for me) decision to become an indie author. Since then I started my own publishing company, published a well received novel and a short story collection, and wrote a new novel that will hopefully be ready to publish in the next month or two.

As great as those things were, things could have been better financially. My web design and virtual assistant business slowed way, way down, and I went through a long period where I just could not make a sale. It wasn't that dire because we had enough savings to get by, as long as we remained frugal, but we also had to rely a lot on our credit card. Business picked back up in mid-November, but by that point we'd racked up so much debt trying to stay afloat that the sudden rush of income was eaten up by bills before we knew it. Work has remained steady since then, though, and hopefully it will remain that way for long enough to enable us to dig ourselves out from under this mess.

Between the financial strain and the fact of facing yet another childless Christmas, and also the first holiday season without my in-laws, I have to confess that we had both sunk back into a pretty deep funk in the weeks leading up to Christmas. But the holiday itself turned out to be a pleasant, albeit low-key, day, and I think we were both feeling better by the time it arrived. I guess we had gotten all of the grief and self-pity out of our systems by then.

And now here we are, at New Year's Eve. I don't know what 2012 is going to bring. I composed a version of this post in my head back in October, and it ended with a declaration that my one major goal for 2012 was to become a mother. But that was before the full weight of our financial strain had settled on us, and it was also before I started paying attention once again to news and politics and what's going on with our world and our nation. I have to say, I'm feeling less hopeful now than I did then. I'm not one of those Mayan calendar doomsayer types, but nevertheless I'm feeling a lot of trepidation about the coming year, and I just have a feeling that we're in for some difficult times as a nation.

Between that, and our personal financial situation, we're still at a loss as to how to proceed with our TTC plans. My heart wants with every fiber of its being to stop taking birth control and start trying NOW. But my head says that we should wait and see what happens, with my business, with our income, and with the economy in general. Matt's having the same head/heart struggle. So I just don't know what we're going to do.

So for now, my main goal for the new year is for us to do everything we can to better our situation, both so that we'll actually be able to afford a baby, and also so that if the poo does hit the fan we'll be in a better position to weather the storm. And in the mean time, I'll continue Project Oven Repair and get rid of that last fifteen pounds or so, hopefully getting my glucose under 90 in the process.

This post wound up a little too doom-and-gloom to end with a chipper "Happy New Year," but nevertheless, I wish you and yours (and me and mine) a blessed and prosperous and disaster-free 2012.

Thinking Out Loud About Project Baby

I've been feeling run down and blah the last few days. I'm realizing that this happens every month and I'm just now beginning to wonder if it has something to do with my cycle. I really need to educate myself about how all of that works and how to track everything. I never bothered in the past, because GETTING pregnant was never the problem--STAYING pregnant was. But it did take almost 9 months to happen after going off of birth control the first time, and as I inch ever closer to 40 I realize that there are no guarantees, and with my PCOS I really should get to know what's going on with my oven. I want to get the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which has been recommended to me often, before we start Project Baby.

I think we've decided to wait until the holidays are over to start that. As slim as the chances are that I'd get pregnant right away if we started before then, after the last two tragedy-filled Christmases I just want to get through one Christmas without either worrying or mourning. I also want to be able to relax and enjoy the holiday food without worrying about every single thing I put in my mouth. So I'm trying to get my weight down to at least 160 before Thanksgiving, and then I'll just focus on maintaining for the rest of the year. Once I go off BC I should still have time to lose another 10 pounds or so while I wait for it to get out of my system. I want it to be low enough that I won't have to worry about pregnancy weight gain pushing my glucose back up into the unhealthy range.

With all of that said, I'm actually really looking forward to the holidays this year, in spite of the sadness that's built into it. I feel extremely hopeful that this will be our last childless holiday season--that by next Christmas, if we don't actually have a baby yet, at least I'll have a healthy bump. So I feel like, if fate allows, we should do our best to relax and enjoy what could possibly--God willing--be the last holiday season where it's just the two of us and our furbabies.

Three cheers for optimism!

Project: Oven Repair Is Working

Here's some good news: I decided to test my blood glucose levels today for the first time since June, and there is definite improvement. Back then, my fasting glucose level was 102 when I tested it in the morning before breakfast--that's in the range for insulin resistance/metabolic syndrome. When I tested it before breakfast this morning, it was 93--down nine points and NORMAL!

I've lost about ten pounds in between the two tests, and while it's tempting to be a little discouraged that I've only lost ten pounds since June, I did take that month-long break from the diet, during which I actually gained a few pounds. So this is actually great progress, and the important thing is that the numbers are all moving in the right direction.

I'm feeling really positive about what this means for my chances of a healthy pregnancy, although I'll be more comfortable if I can get my fasting glucose level under 90 before we start trying again. I also need to lose 5-10 more pounds before the height/weight charts stop telling me I'm overweight. More importantly, I need to lose about three more inches of belly fat before I'm fully out of the "at risk" range.

I'm really glad I decided to test and measure everything today, too. I've been feeling really discouraged about all of this lately, and this is just the encouragement and motivation I need to keep going.

I'm almost there, y'all.

PS for those of you who also need to watch the glycemic index of the foods you eat - I've got a Low GI Recipes pinboard on Pinterest. Some of the recipes are already there and some of them look like they just need a bit of tweaking to get there. I'm planning to start experimenting with low GI baking once the weather finally cools down enough to start using our oven.

Not to toot my own horn, but... (Progress Pic)

...I think I'm looking pretty good these days.

Sleepy Jean Is Sleepy. Also, P:OR Progress

This has been one of those weeks where everything just feels off, no doubt because I've had insomnia for about three nights in a row. Funny how sleep deprivation makes you feel off-kilter and like everything is hard, isn't it? Last night I finally got a decent night's sleep, after taking some Benadryl, so I'm feeling much better today, albeit still a bit draggy and like I need one more night of really great sleep to catch up and feel normal again.

This week is making me glad I decided not to totally eliminate coffee from Project: Oven Repair (Take Two).

Speaking of the diet reboot, it's going well. Avoiding bread hasn't been the struggle I thought it would be (although I did break down and have half a bagel and some crackers at various points yesterday, because I was too tired to cook vegetables), and I've been eating more of a variety and actually enjoying my food.

I decided to lay off of the scales for a while, and just gauge my progress by how well I feel and how my clothes are fitting. I was feeling pretty great until the insomnia kicked in (accompanied, of course, by really bad hay fever), and yesterday I reached a new progress benchmark: my size 12 jeans fit for the first time in at least four years. I still need to lose about a half-inch or so before they're really comfortable, but they're definitely wearable.

Unfortunately, the insomnia also raised a speed bump in my daily exercise routine, and for the past couple of days I've been too busy/distracted/tired to bother. I figure two days isn't really a habit-killer, and if I can make myself go for my 45-minute walk today, I'll be fine. Which I'm going to do right after I finish this post.

We're tentatively planning a visit to the nearest state park this weekend, to have a picnic and walk the nature trails. I was really hoping we'd have our new camera by then, but Matt's still trying to decide which fancy lens to invest in, so it doesn't look like we will. But at least this time I'll be sure to take our 5MP point-and-shoot, so we won't be relegated to our cell phone cameras if we see something cool, like we were last time.

All righty. Time to get off this couch and go move.

...And just as I was previewing this post and about to hit Publish, we heard sirens cut off right in front of our house, and shouting and "Put your hands up!" and we looked outside to see two cops with their guns pointed at this guy who was backing slowly toward them with his hands in the air. Now they've got him cuffed and they're out there patting him down and searching his car. I guess my walk's on hold until COPS: Live On Location In Our Front Yard is over and they take the criminal away.

Pale-No! Or, Project: Oven Repair, Take Two

With anniversary celebrations out of the way, today is the day I get Project: Oven Repair back on the rails. When I said a couple of weeks ago that I was taking a break from said project to protect my sanity, I mentioned that I was considering trying the Paleo Diet when I was ready to resume P:OR. If you don't know what the Paleo diet is, it's basically the way humans are believed to have eaten prior to the advent of agriculture, and involves foods that can, in theory, be either hunted or gathered, even though these days most folks do their hunting and gathering at the supermarket. In short, the rules pretty much boil down to, "Eat like a caveman."

And now I have "Captain... CAAAAAVE maaaaaaaaaaaan!" running through my head. If you recognize that then congratulations! You're old like me. And now it's stuck in your head, too.

You're welcome.

But back to the diet. At first glance, the Paleo diet sounds like it might be a good idea for battling PCOS. It's low-glycemic, and gluten-free to boot. There's even a variation called Paleo Zone, a mash-up of the Paleo diet and my current eating plan of choice, the Zone diet, which involves eating Paleo-approved foods in Zone-approved proportions. Sounds good!

Except, did you know that dairy products are considered "agriculture"? Apparently, cave men didn't milk livestock and turn said milk into delicious things like cheese or yogurt. Also, peanuts, along with other legumes, are an agricultural product, since they have to be planted and nurtured and grown and harvested, and can't simply be found on trees like actual nuts, and are hence verboten.

So, let's see: on the Paleo diet, I would not be allowed to eat cheese. Or yogurt. Or peanut butter.

To which I say: Pale-NO!

I could give up yogurt, I suppose, if I had to. I could even see myself conceivably going for a while without cheese if I must. But peanut butter? Only if you pry it from my cold, dead, Smucker's-coated fingers.

So clearly, the Paleo diet is not for me. Moving on, I also considered trying the first phase of South Beach. From what I understood of the South Beach diet, it's basically a rip-off of very similar to the Zone, the primary difference being that South Beach is marketed as a weight-loss diet, while the Zone is touted as more of a nutrition plan for combating chronic illnesses. The other difference is that the South Beach plan involves "phases" -- a super-strict Phase One and a semi-strict Phase Two that lead you to the pretty-much-identical-to-the-Zone Phase Three; the idea being that the first two phases kill your sugar and carb cravings and stimulate weight-loss.

A more strict version of the Zone sounded like exactly what I needed. But after doing a little more research, I realized that Phase One of South Beach is, essentially, the Atkin's diet. And I've had my experiences with the Atkin's diet, and they were not pleasant.

So here's a thought, Jean: why not just stick with the Zone diet, but be more strict with yourself about limiting non-favorable carbs?

Huh. It's so simple, I wonder why I didn't think of that myself.

So starting today I'm back in the Zone, but I'm planning to go at least a week (and to try for two) without any bread or grains (except for steel cut oats, which are low-glycemic and too nutritious to give up completely). And of course I'm also putting the kibosh on sugar (again). I think the reason I kept plateauing last time and couldn't break that 165 lb. barrier was because I was eating way too much bread. Although I had cut down on it and was sticking to whole grain varieties, it's not the best choice for controlling blood sugar, and I was eating a lot of sandwiches and breakfast toast, basically depending too much on bread to round out my daily carb allotment.

Of course, this was partly because bread is so cheap. In preparation for a week of eating sans bread, I stocked up on plenty of fresh produce, and I'll just say that I'm thankful neither Matt's nor my eyes popped out of our heads or permanently froze in the size of saucers once we saw the total at the checkout counter.

Because of this, I'll probably be gradually working sandwiches back into the meal rotation after this initial week to help get all of the bad carbs out of my system. But from now on I'll be opting for lower-glycemic varieties like rye and pumpernickel, and I'll probably be limiting it to the weekends.

So here's the plan:

• 1 to 2 weeks without any bread, sugar or alcohol,
• after which I can have low GI bread on occastion, and one or two glasses of wine or beer on the weekends (until we're actively TTC, at which point it will be verboten).
• After the first month, I can resume the occasional "cheat" night two times a month to keep myself from feeling deprived.

And during all of this I'll be walking (and eventually wogging) 45 minutes every morning, six days a week, and alternating cardio-kickboxing, pilates and yoga in the evenings.

And if that doesn't knock out this last twenty pounds and make my body baby-ready, then I don't know what will.

I'm 0 Weeks and Craving a Cure for PCOS

There's a meme currently making the rounds on Facebook, supposedly in support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, in which women are being encouraged to post fake, coy pregnancy announcements in the form of "I'm (the number of your birth month) and craving (an item of food on a list that correspondes with your birth day)," without offering further explanation. This is, somehow, supposed to raise awareness for breast cancer.

Needless to say, there's been a lot of backlash. Men are annoyed at being intentionally left out, and rightly so, seeing as how breast cancer affects them, too, both directly and indirectly. My friend Erin Palette points out that it's time to give equal attention to other more common and deadlier types of cancer that nevertheless hardly receive any media attention. And then there's the IF/RPL crowd, of whom I'm a member, who finds this meme, at best, insensitive, and at worst, downright hurtful. Others have expounded on the reasons why far more eloquently than I can, and if you're wondering, then I encourage you to read those posts.

I admit that when I got the memo encouraging me to participate in the meme, I felt a little hurt and annoyed. I thought about how great it would make all of the friends and family feel, who've been hoping and praying for me to have a healthy pregnancy, to see me post something like that only to turn around and tell them, "Just kidding!" But mostly I felt bewildered, because, what does pretending you're pregnant have to do with breast cancer, exactly? And also, Breast Cancer Awareness Month isn't until October.

This month, September, is actually PCOS Awareness Month. If you've been paying attention to this blog for very long at all, then you know that this is a cause that's near and dear to my heart. PCOS, or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, is the reason all of those people are praying for me. It's most likely the reason neither of my previous pregnancies made it to the end of the first trimester. It's the reason I'm terrified of even trying to get pregnant again until I lose enough weight to cure my insulin resistance. It's also the reason that there's no guarantee that I'll be able to get pregnant again once we do start trying, or that it will happen quickly or without difficulty and a lot of heartache.

In the interest of doing something that actually raises awareness about a cause, here are a few facts about PCOS:

• It's a disorder that affects approximately five to ten percent of all women.
• It's one of the leading causes of infertility in women.
• It's closely linked with insulin resistance and metabolic syndrome.
• Those with PCOS who do manage to get pregnant face an increased risk of miscarriage, most likely due to said insulin resistance.
• It can be diagnosed at any phase of life and is not limited to women of child-bearing age.

Common symptoms of PCOS include:

• Irregular periods, or no periods
• Painful periods
• Acne, especially at an age where acne isn't a common affliction
• Excess hair growth on the face and body
• Hair loss
• Unruptured follicles, or cysts, on the ovaries

Despite the name of the disorder, ovarian cysts aren't always present and aren't necessary for a diagnosis. Generally, three or more symptoms are enough for a diagnosis.

There is no known cure for PCOS. Currently, the only known medical treatment for PCOS is the birth control pill, which is not exactly helpful for those with the disorder who want to get pregnant. Fortunately, however, studies have shown that treating the related insulin resistance through a healthy, low-glycemic diet and regular exercise, or even with medications such as Metformin, can serve to lessen the severity of PCOS symptoms, and has even resulted in healthy pregnancies in women who have been prone to miscarriage.

That last part is why I've been knocking myself out with Project Oven Repair.

If you'd like more information on PCOS, or if you think you or a loved one might suffer from this disorder, or for information on treating the disorder, please check out the following links:

• Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome Association
• The International Council on Infertility Information Dissemination's PCOS FAQ
• Natural Health Solutions for PCOS
• Mary's PCOS Treatment FAQ

On Birthdays and Anniversaries and the State of Project: Oven Repair

This Tuesday was Matt's birthday. He's caught up with me on age now, although he likes to remind me of that four-and-a-half months difference between us. Somehow, I think if at any point in your separate lives you were BOTH simultaneously in cradles, then the cradle-robber title doesn't apply.

Tuesday wasn't really the best day for a celebration (as most Tuesdays generally aren't) what with him having loads of homework and me busy putting the finishing touches on my new web site, so tomorrow we'll be going out for his birthday to see the Fright Night remake (David Tennant, yay! I really miss him), after which we'll probably bring home some takeout and eat cake and ice cream.

Personally, I've been indulging in a little too much cake and ice cream lately. Well, ice cream. There hasn't really been opportunity for cake. Well, and it was FroYo instead of actual ice cream. But still. INDULGENT!

I'm basically on a break from Project Oven Repair right now. I haven't totally gone off the rails--I'm still sticking to the Zone diet, for the most part, and I'm still working out regularly, though not as regularly as I need to be. But a few weeks ago I reached a point where I was literally sick of most of the healthy foods I was eating -- just the thought of them was making me nauseous. And I wasn't actually losing, despite all my best efforts, which was, to say the least, discouraging. I realized that I needed a mental break from worrying about all this stuff, so for the last few weeks I've basically been eating to maintain and allowing myself to enjoy the occasional indulgence without any guilt.

I'm planning to continue this way until our anniversary in a couple of weeks, and then I'm going to crack down and be really strict with myself. I'm kind of bummed about this; I was originally hoping to have all of the weight off by our anniversary, and mark the beginning of our fifth year of marriage by tossing out the birth control. But that is clearly not happening.

So instead, starting the Monday after, I'm going to try to go a week or two without any bread or grains and stick to fruits and veggies for all of my carbs. I'm considering a foray into Paleo Diet territory, but I need to do more research there. I'm also working up from working out every other day to more or less every day.

Hopefully, this break I'm on will not only renew my mental fortitude for tackling this last twenty pounds, but also hopefully my system will be sufficiently shocked into compliance once I take away all its high-glycemic foods again that the last twenty pounds will come off as quickly and easily as the first twenty did.

At any rate, I really want to be done losing weight before the holidays, so then all I'll have to worry about through the winter is not gaining weight. I also really want my body to be ready to start TTC this fall. 'Cause we're not getting any younger over here.

Mmm, coffee

I'm feeling really good right now, and I'm sure it has nothing at all to do with the fact that I just had my first cup of fully-caffed coffee since starting Project Oven Repair way back in March. Oh yes I did, and I tell you what, it was totally worth the withdrawal headache I'm likely to suffer through tomorrow when I force myself back on wagon.

Why the lapse? I've just been missing coffee so much lately. I mean, I've been drinking decaf, but it's just not the same, and I don't just mean the buzz factor. Decaf coffe just tastes... off, somehow. I can't even put my finger on it. It's just wrong, is all. I've also been drinking a lot of tea; some of which is caffeinated, but a cup of tea doesn't have nearly the caffeine as a regular cup o' joe, and I've been limiting myself to one or two cups of the caffed stuff (mainly either chai or gunpowder green tea) a day, so that hardly counts as any caffeine at all, right? Which must be true, because just halfway through drinking my real java today I started to feel a zing that I haven't felt in so very long.

It hasn't helped that Matt, who was never much of a coffee drinker, has suddenly become a coffee connoisseur, drinking coffee every day, buying gourmet grounds, even going so far as to get himself a fancy French press. I smell that stuff brewing and I can't help but ask myself why I'm putting myself through this deprivation when we're not even actively TTC yet. But then I remember all of the studies that determined that caffeine increases insulin resistance and, that's why.

So this can't become a habit. When we were out today I picked up a three-serving packet of Starbucks instant (yeah, instant, but its flavor is still a lot better than decaf) to keep on hand for when I just can't stand the cravings for the taste of real coffee. Because one cup once in a while won't kill me or POR.

Speaking of which, it's stalled again -- I'm plateaued at around 167, and I guess I need to go back to lowering my carbs and increasing my mono fats until that needle gets moving again. Of course, I haven't been working out as much as I should. The problem with being workout buddies with my Big Sis in the summers is that I fall into the habit of only working out on the days we can get together, and that's typically only three days a week, which is not enough for weight loss. But the flip side of that is that, with this heat, I probably wouldn't be working out at all if not for the days Sis and I get together. But she'll be starting back to school soon, so I've got to get back into the habit of motivating myself to work out, stifling, tree-killing, 110+ degree heat be damned.

When the Old Is New Again, It's Just Like Christmas

This would be a 365 project update if I was still doing that, but I was so excited about fitting into these clothes (that I haven't been able to wear for the last 3 years, at least) that I had to share a picture.

I think it's finally time to go "shopping" in the donation pile out in the garage where I put all my "skinny" clothes the last time I cleaned out my closet.

Lackadaisy

First, some book news for those who missed it (and care): Restless Spirits is 50% off at Smashwords with coupon code SSW50 throughout the month of July. Also at Smashwords, last week I released my flash fiction collection, Fragments & Fancies: Ficlets, Flash Fiction & Shorts as a FREE download. So go check it out. Oh, and also, I added a Books page to this blog, so you can keep tabs on my current and upcoming publications there. Or you could always just follow my writing blog.

Other than that, the big news is that there is no news. Except that it's hot. It's so, so very hot that I have no energy and I never want to leave my air-conditioned house and I'm suffering from a serious case of ennui. Hello, First World Whine.

But that's pretty much where I'm at right now. I haven't been posting because there's nothing new to say. I'm still writing, I'm still working, I'm still working out, and every day is just like the one before, and did I mention that it's OH EM GEE HOT?

I did finally start taking NAC (I think I actually mentioned that already -- see? There's nothing new to say), and I don't know whether it's a direct result of that that I finally broke the 170 barrier. The last time I weighed, the needle on the scale hovered between 168 and 169. I'm wearing the heck out of my size 12 shorts, even though they're still a skoch tight, but they look better than my baggy-butt size 14s. And I only have 18 or 19 more pounds to go until I'll feel safe to TTC -- presuming that 150 will be low enough to get my insulin resistance under control.

I also recently came to a fairly monumental (for me) decision, but I haven't decided whether I should blog about that yet, so I'll just go ahead and be obnoxious and tease y'all about it instead.

Oh, and we're still -- STILL! -- waiting to see the specialist about scheduling Matt's gallbladder surgery. That appointment's been rescheduled twice already, the second time after we waited in the doctor's office for two and a half hours before they told us that the doctor got called into surgery and sent us home. So maybe we'll know something by Friday. It's sure a good thing he's not actually suffering any symptoms.

Of course this means that we still can't plan our camping trip, and with his classes starting in less than a month, it's starting to look like we might not get our summer vacation this year. Which I don't even want to think about right now, because I need this vacation so badly. We both do. Even if it's just for a weekend.

Oh, and again -- my 20 year high school reunion is happening this weekend. I'm not going. Originally I declined mainly because Matt's surgery was (and is) still up in the air and we're trying to keep our schedules open; but when I saw that they actually felt the need to write "No Fighting!" at the bottom of the invitation... I can't say I felt too heartbroken about missing it, and also, that pretty much sums up my entire high school experience right there.

How about you guys? Are you managing to beat the heat, or do you live in some magical wonderland where the weather is pleasant and mild?

Project Oven Progress Report

Well, I'm down a couple of pounds since last weekend, so the changes I made to my diet (cutting a block of carbs at each meal and adding a block of monounsaturated fat) must be working to get me off of that plateau. This is encouraging, especially considering I haven't worked out since Tuesday.

I started working out with my Big Sis this week (she teaches the rest of the year, but during the summer we're usually workout buddies), and we did great the first couple of days, but then I had to skip Wednesday because of Matt's doctor's appointment, and then I had to skip Thursday because we had a ton of errands to run, and she had to skip Friday because she had her grandkid that day. I'd intended to work out on my own Thursday and Friday, but on Thursday my period hit with a vengeance and I've felt like crud ever since, with some of the worst cramps ever, and that's saying a lot. Clearly, my PCOS isn't anywhere close to going away.

I've also been feeling run down and mildly nauseated the last few days. I've been wondering whether it's because of my period or if it has to do with the changes in my diet. But with the exception of Monday, when I made myself sick by overdoing my workout in the noonday heat, I felt okay until Thursday. So I guess it's all my uterus's fault. As usual.

Dear uterus: can't we please just get along?

Anyway, today I finally dug out one of my late mom-in-law's glucose meters and tested my blood sugar. After fasting four hours, it was 100, which is the bottom of the insulin resistance/metabolic syndrome range, which isn't good. But an hour after eating it was only 118, which isn't bad. I still need to check it in the morning after I've fasted for at least eight hours.

Aside: I had to prick three different fingers before I figured out how to put the blood on the strip correctly and make the tester work, which, OW. I don't have a device for the lancets, either, so I just had to stab my fingers by hand. I will say that it absolutely sucked, and it gave me a little extra incentive to never let myself become diabetic.

I'm writing down all of the results, and I'll check it again after I've lost another ten pounds or so to see if it's improving. I expect it will. I'm not too worried. The fact that the same diet essentially cured Matt of diabetes is definitely encouraging. I just wish I could hurry up and get over these cramps and nausea so I can get back to working out regularly.

A Non-Taxing Potpourri of Updates and Such

I keep wanting to turn this into more of an essay blog, with posts that are more carefully thought out and crafted, albeit less frequent. But I rarely have the time for that sort of post, and when I do, I don't have the energy to put that much thought into it. So instead here's a random list of what I've been up to lately:

• Writing. Business has slowed down over at The Web Wrangler, so in addition to working on my novel I've also been busting my hinder cranking out articles for Demand Studios. Specifically, I've been writing for their new property White Fence, a consumer info & comparison site for utilities. So I've been comparing a lot of phone companies and satellite TV providers and Internet providers and whatnot, and if I never have to try to find pricing info on a service that doesn't let you see their pricing unless you live in their service area again, it will be too soon. But I'll probably have to do it again starting Monday, which is too soonest.
  
  I might be a little burned out on article writing right now. Can you tell?
  
  
• Learning crochet. I made an attempt at this last fall, but I absolutely couldn't understand the diagrams I found online, and watching how-to videos didn't do anything to clear things up for me. But since "Learn a new yarn craft" is on my list of goals for 2011, and since I didn't get the yarn spinning kit I wanted either for Christmas OR my birthday (clearly, I need to be less subtle about dropping gift hints), I decided to give it another go.
  
  As luck would have it, last weekend we made a trek to the used book store, where I picked this up:
  
  
  
  
  The book, that is, not the granny squares. Those, I made, thanks to the VERY clear and easy to understand diagrams in the book. The top square was my first, and I had to unravel and start over three times before I got it right, but I don't think it turned out too badly for my first time crocheting EVER*. The bottom one was my second attempt, and it turned out even better.
  
  I still need a lot of practice before this comes easily for me. For one thing, it's really hard to get used to holding the yarn in my left hand -- I keep automatically picking it up and holding it in my right hand as if to knit. And I don't think crochet is going to supplant knitting any time soon as my favorite yarn-related pastime. But I've always wanted to be able to make granny squares, and now I can. Now if I can just figure out amigurumi, I'll be happy with the extent of my crochet skills.
  
  Oh, and now I can make this! Isn't that awesome? That whole blanket is just one giant granny square. I think I know a certain grand-niece or -nephew-to-be who might be destined to get one of these after they join us out here in the world.
  
  *My big sister taught me how to chain stitch when I was a little kid, and she might have even taught me single crochet stitch, but I never actually made anything, and I didn't retain any of it. So I might as well have been a crochet virgin.
  
  
• Watching Doctor Who and crushing hard on Rory. And fearing for him. And being totally won over by River, and by Matt Smith's Doctor, and ready to jump on board that ship. I think this latest season just might be my favorite season ever.
  
  
•  Not losing weight. It seems I've gotten stuck on that dreaded plateau I was worried about. It's frustrating, because I've been doing great on my diet and working out almost religiously. But for the last month or so the scales have been stuck bouncing around between 175 and 173, and won't budge a single pound lower. It's possible that I've still been experiencing "hidden weight loss", building muscle faster than I'm losing fat, since I've been doing a lot of toning exercises.
  
  Even so, today I adjusted my diet according to advice on the Zone web site for getting off of a plateau--namely, reducing my carbs by one block at each meal and adding an extra block of monounsaturated fat. It seems counter-intuitive, but apparently eating healthy fats helps regulate insulin, which in turn causes you to burn fat. So here's hoping this un-sticks me, and I can get back to making progress toward getting ready to TTC.

And that's pretty much been my life lately. How's things at your end?

Project Oven Progress

I haven't shared my progress in a while, and as you can see, I've pretty much abandoned the 365 project. I knew when I started it that it would be a surprise to everybody, myself included, if I stuck with it. I had hoped that it would motivate me to get out of my freelancer's uniform of PJs and grungy workout clothes and to actually clean up nice on a daily basis, but as you can see from the majority of pictures, that wasn't happening. Oh well.

My weight loss has slowed down since the weather started screwing up my regular workout routine. There for a while I was too disgusted with myself to even bother weighing, but when I weighed in the other day I was down to 173, so it's still headed in the right direction. I'm working on forcing myself to do some form of work out even if the weather's too bad to walk or jog (and it's been weeks since I've actually jogged). Really, with the PCOS and insulin resistance I need to just accept that I need to give regular exercise as much importance in my life as healthy eating and regular sleep. Of course, that doesn't mean I have to like it.

I think we've decided to forgo the glucose test, at least for now. Matt reminded me that I can just use one of the half-dozen blood sugar monitors we've got lying around the house (a couple are his that he never uses, and a few were my inlaws') to monitor my blood sugar and see if I'm improving. But first I need to dig out all of the supplies and match up the right test strips to the right monitors.

If I don't show improvement after another month or two of losing weight, we'll revisit the topic of going on Metformin. In the mean time, I'm thinking about starting on NAC. Does anybody have enough experience with that to offer any advice about it?

PCOS, I Has It

I finally had my annual checkup to renew my BCP today, and as much as I griped about it, I'm glad I went. When I asked the doctor for information on testing for PCOS, she went over my symptoms and told me that I meet enough diagnostic criteria that I don't need any testing. Then she went ahead and made the diagnosis official.

But then she also told me that PCOS doesn't cause miscarriages, which, a whole lot of Internet sources and women in the RPL community beg to differ. And then she went on to say that the only treatment for PCOS is the BCP, which, all of the holistic web sites where I researched PCOS said that traditional doctors always say that, and when I asked her about controlling or reversing it through a low-glycemic diet, she said that it wouldn't cure the PCOS but it would cure any insulin resistance that would be causing it. Which may be a case of same difference, but: this might be one of those areas where sometimes the Internet knows more than doctors.

Anyway, she wanted to do a glucose test, but since I'm uninsured she left it up to me. I checked the cost with the lab and it's only $42, and if I get it and it confirms that I'm insulin resistant, then she said we can talk about putting me on Metformin. But she also said that if I just keep up my diet and keep losing weight and getting in shape, I'll most likely turn it around without medication.

So I'm a little torn. The whole plan for Project Oven Repair was to do just that--turn my (rightfully) presumed PCOS and insulin resistance around with diet and exercise. Now I have confirmation that I'm on the right track. But, I've read really promising things about Metformin preventing miscarriages. As much as Matt and I both prefer natural remedies over medication when possible, if I have an opportunity to start taking Metformin, should I seize it? I just don't know.

Right now, I think my feeling is that I should just stick with the diet, and let that do the work of turning all of these complications around, and then TTC again after I reach my goal weight. And then if, God forbid, I have another MC, I'll try the Metformin route for our fourth (and most likely final, regardless of what happens) attempt. Of course, if it goes that way then I'll end up hating myself for not taking the Metformin right away.

And this is where I get angry and frustrated at how unfair it is that just thinking about trying to get pregnant has to be so confusing and complicated. Bleah.

At any rate, they finally renewed my BCP prescription. I'm going to wait until the next cycle begins to start taking it again, which gives Matt and I a little longer to decide if that's really what we want to do. We had a heart-to-heart about it yesterday, and he's not as sure that I should stay on it as I thought he was. But I'm also not as sure that I'm ready to go off of it as I thought I was. I think probably the wisest thing is to keep taking it until I reach my goal weight, which should also give us some time to stash some money in the bank to cover the inevitable days (or weeks) when I'm too overcome with pregnancy fatigue to get any work done.

All in all, I came home from the exam feeling good about things, and hopeful for the future of my oven. Chalk today up in the WIN column.

365: 17 and The Pill Saga

On my way out to waste a trip to the drug store:

Stats:
Weight - 176 :(
Mood - Just fine until I got there.

I didn't lose any this week, but I can't say I'm surprised. Before I continue with this post, I should probably warn those among you with more delicate sensibilities (i.e., the dudes) that I'm going to discuss icky girly TMI business throughout this post, starting with the next sentence. That said, this week I had my period, so my cravings were off the charts and my will-power was at an all-time low. Twice I caved in and binged on Easter candy and Cheez-its. The food of the gods, indeed. My energy was also really low, and between that and the rain, as already mentioned, I barely worked out all week. All things considered, I'm just glad I managed not to gain.

It's weird, though--I still feel like I lost. Maybe I lost some inches (or probably more like centimeters), if not pounds. Although I suppose it's more likely that I was just carrying excess water weight during my visitation from Aunt Flow and she took it with her when she left.

The birth control saga continues. To back up, I needed to renew my state Family Planning coverage before I got my prescription renewed, which I did last week. But then I kept forgetting about renewing the prescription until Wednesday, when I called the same clinic that did my thyroid test and renewed that prescription for me a few weeks ago. They were actually ready at that time to write me a new BC scrip, and told me I wouldn't need an exam since I had one last year (more like a dozen, actually, between my two pregnancies and losses). So I stupidly assumed that it wouldn't be a big deal for them to renew it over the phone.

I started calling on Wednesday to ask whether I could indeed renew it over the phone, or if they needed me to come in. When I asked the front desk, they transferred me to the nurse, and I got her voice mail. I left a message asking that very question, and waited for her to call back. She didn't. I called the next morning and got a voicemail message saying that I was calling during clinic hours, yet the clinic was closed, and I should leave a message. So I did. And again nobody called back. So I kept calling, and finally got through, and finally got to talk to the actual live nurse, who said she would ask the doctor and then call me back. Which, she didn't, and I wasn't able to get a hold of her again until Friday morning.

At which time she told me the doctor wanted me to come in and have a pap, and that they couldn't get me in until Monday. Except Matt needed to take our only operational car to his campus to take a test on Monday. So we'd have to do it Tuesday, which would cause me to miss two days, which would screw up my cycle and cause me to spot and bleed and cramp all month long. Yay. I pointed that out, and I also asked if, had somebody called me back and answered my question on Wednesday when I first started asking it, they'd have been able to get me in this week, and she said yes, but so sorry, now it will have to be Tuesday.

By this point I was so upset that I hung up without bothering to make the appointment. Then it occurred to me -- and I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner -- that I should try calling the OU Women's clinic, who handled my last pregnancy and MC and wrote me the prescription in the first place. Maybe they'd be willing to just call it in without seeing me first. So I did, and HALLELUJAH, they were! I still had to make an appointment to get a pap, but they said to just have the pharmacy contact them to hook me up with a temporary renewal in the mean time.

Which I did, and I gave them a whole 24 hours to fill it. And of course, when I went to pick it up (without calling first, natch), they were still waiting for a renewal response from the clinic, and of course they won't get one before Monday.

Grumble grumble cuss.

So now, best case scenario, I'll get it filled Monday and will only miss one day, and maybe that won't screw me up too badly, although knowing my body, I'm still sure to have some breakthrough bleeding for the next couple of weeks.

But as much as all of this has been a pain in the rear, the most frustrating thing about it is that I don't want to renew it. I want to stop taking it. Last time I went off of it, it took me eight months to get pregnant, and I feel strongly that if I stop taking it now, my body will finish adjusting to being off it around the same time I get my BMI to a healthy place and get my PCOS under control. The only reason I'm bothering to renew it at all is for Matt, because he's afraid I'm wrong, and that it's too much of a risk that I'd get pregnant immediately, before I've finished Project Oven Repair and before we've managed to get our finances on an upswing.

I know he's right, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. Which is why I came home from the drug store and crawled into bed and cried for twenty minutes, frustrated that getting this prescription refilled is such a hassle and just pissed off at the entire crappy situation that requires me to keep taking it. And also sad and angry that we're in a place where such a simple decision has to be so fraught with emotion and pain.

But after I cried it all out, and then prayed about it, I feel better. I'm trying to see this as an exercise in patience, and to trust in God's timing and His plan for us. I know it won't do any good for me to try to wrangle the situation by the horns and force it to go my way. I also know that, if we're meant to have a family, God's not going to allow a little thing like disagreement over when to go off the pill keep it from happening. And I know that the longer I give my body to heal and regenerate (within reason, seeing as how I'm not getting any younger), the better my next baby's chances of survival will be.

365: 15 and 250: 3

 

Stats:

Weight - 176ish

Mood - Accomplished

Word count - 1,167

It's actually day 17 (or is it 18?) since I started the 365 project, but I think it's probably more important to count pictures than days. That's how I'm going to do it, at any rate, so I won't need to feel so bad about missing the days when I'm feeling significantly less than photogenic.

Today it finally stopped raining long enough for me to go workout, so here's what's becoming my usual "right before the workout" pic. If I looked a little dazed it's because I'd just finished writing a scene and the story was still continuing in my head.

I almost didn't work out today, just because it's been long enough -- a solid week, thanks to all the rain we've been having -- for the habit to die and, well, I just didn't feel like it. But I knew I'd feel better if I went for a walk, and I was right. No jogging, because like I said, 7 days, so I need to work back up to that. The thing that finally got me off my butt was the same thing that's been getting me off my butt for the last month or so: my Project Oven Repair mantra, "Just do it for the babies."

If Accuweather is actually right for once, then the rain is mostly gone for now and I shouldn't have any outside interference with getting back to my regular routine. Here's hoping.

Oh, and see that word count up there, for day 3 of the 250 Words a Day Challenge? All I have to say about that is: Boo-yah.