Project Oven Repair

I spent the better part of Friday afternoon researching natural and homeopathic remedies for PCOS. I made a shopping list of vitamins and minerals and healthy foods and things I would need to get started down this path to a healthier, PCOS-free, me, and then on Saturday I went to Akin's and the grocery store and stocked up on supplements and vegetables and sea food. The sea food's more for my ADD, since I can't really afford the 10 grams per day of purified pharma-grade fish oil I'll need to take to keep it under control.

I guess I should back up and explain why I'm so sure that PCOS is the source of all my baby woes. I've had symptoms for years, but none of my doctors--GPs, OBs, gynecologists, internal medicine specialists--have ever suggested that these symptoms might add up to PCOS.

Until my follow-up appointment at the women's clinic after my D&C, with an OB/GYN I'd never seen before, who looked at my history and my symptoms and asked me, "Have you ever been treated for PCOS?" When I said no, she went on to describe the symptoms, and it felt like a light bulb went on, shining its light on exactly what the problem is.

She wanted to do a hysteroscopy to verify the diagnosis, but we couldn't get it scheduled before my insurance ran out. We DID get my thrombophilia workup done before it ran out, though, and it ruled out any blood-clotting disorders. And since she was almost sure enough to make the diagnosis without the hysteroscopy, and since my symptoms line up with PCOS like dominoes, I'm operating under the assumption that this is what my problem is. And if I'm wrong, it can't really hurt anything, other than giving me a sense of misplaced hope.

For the curious, the skeptical, and those who just like to read TMI, these are my symptoms and co-indicators:

• I'm overweight.
• I have middle-age acne.
• I have hypothyroidism.
• I have mild hirsutism (i.e. unsightly, whisker-like chin, neck and chest hairs; I've always just tweezed them, told myself they were probably normal and then got on with my life, but now I know better).
• My periods have only ever been regular when I'm on BC, and even then there's occasional variance, and they're always, ALWAYS painful.
• I have classic symptoms of insulin resistance (overweight, foggy brain, chronic fatigue and sleepiness, irritability and nausea if my blood sugar gets low, etc.), which is a root cause of PCOS.

Clearly, these aren't factors that tend to make for a healthy pregnancy. Fortunately, most, if not all, of them can be remedied with a healthy lifestyle. So if I want to have a healthy pregnancy that ends in birthing a healthy baby, I'm going to have to become a health nut and completely overhaul my lifestyle.

Here's my plan of attack:

• Stick to the Zone diet, and be strict about it. This means getting most of my carbs from low-glycemic fruits and veggies instead of, y'know, just having some protein with a yummy slice of pumpkin bread and calling that a "Zone-balanced meal."
• Increase my sea-food intake, and take as much pharma-quality fish oil as I can afford on top of that.
• Work out at least 4 times a week.
• Transition from the ADD-focused multi-vitamins I've been taking (e.g. Mega Mind, Higher Mind and/or Mental Edge, all from Source Naturals) to a quality pre-natal multi with high doses of Chromium, Magnesium, Zinc, and B-vitamins.
• Add in a Co-Q10 supplement.
• Ween myself off of caffeine, ginseng and sugar (including all processed and high-glycemic carbs).

There are also some herbal remedies that I'll add to the mix eventually, but it's not a good idea to take those while I'm still on BC. If you're interested, I got most of the supplement and natural remedy info here and here.

Whether or not I actually have PCOS, if I can stick to this plan I'm sure it will probably fix at least 90% of what's wrong with me, including the ADD, low energy and depressive tendencies. Not to mention the insulin resistance and all of the problems that stem from that.

So basically, I just have to start treating myself like I'm diabetic, and all of my hormones and body chemicals and brain chemicals and what-not should fall in line, balance out, and start behaving properly. I guess if my acne clears up and I stop having to tweeze those weird hairs, then I'll know I'm on the right track.

At any rate, this is the one area of my life I actually have control over, and I'm ready to grasp it by the horns and show it who's boss. Hopefully, the success of Project Oven Repair will coincide with the success of Project Make Some Money, Dammit, and then we'll truly be ready for another round of TTC.

This is what's keeping me together

1. Prayer. God is my therapist, y'all. I tell Him everything.

2. Matt. We both have our up days and our down days and times when we're unbearably grumpy and irritable, but for the most part he's so supportive and considerate of my grief that I have to remind myself that HE'S the one who just lost his parents. And then my heart breaks for him all over again, and I pull it together to be the supportive one and let him lean on me for a while. It's a give and take, and I'm trying to give as much as I take, but I know I couldn't get through it without him. All that, and he cooks, too. I love that man.

3. Healthy eating and exercise, which are both something I'm just getting back to. Since Rob died, we've been riding the fast food junk train again, and I've been pretty sedentary. Because when you feel too depressed to cook you tend to eat a lot of crap and not feel like working out, but that makes you feel even worse, and it's a sick, vicious merry-go-round of bad eating and not moving and feeling worse and worse. I'm finally sick and disgusted enough to force myself to get off of it. I'm getting back on the Cake or Baby? wagon, and choosing Baby. And I'm getting off of the couch and going outside and walking once and a while. After just a few days of this I'm already starting to feel better. I'm sure the warm weather and sunshine and fresh air are helping, too.

4. My bass. I'm still focusing on the fundamentals and building up my calluses and my hand strength and dexterity. I'd probably be a lot further along if I could devote a couple of hours a day to practicing like an actual musician, instead of just 30 minutes here and there like the hobbyist that I am. But it takes every ounce of my concentration to hit the right notes and make them sound halfway decent, which is great, because it gets my mind off of all of the stressful and sad things, and for that 30 minutes I get to just exist and make a joyful noise. It is awesome.

5. This blog. It's helping me to talk about this stuff, which is why there's been a sudden increase in posting. Some of you might wonder why I just talk AT you here on the blog instead of talking TO you, but I'm still at a place where I just need to get stuff out without having to answer questions or field advice or--and I'm well aware how selfish and awful this is of me--hear your problems, too, no matter how big or small. I'm trying to pull myself out of this place, because I don't enjoy it. But I'm still there, too mired in my own crap to even contemplate dealing with anybody else's, and I continue to withdraw and feel like the horrible friend that I am, and hope everyone will just be patient with me until this passes and I'm up to two-way personal conversations again.

6. You guys--here, and on Facebook, and Twitter, and in e-mail, who let me know that you're thinking of us and we're not alone, and that I'm not crazy, and that it's okay to still be weighed down with all this grief and dealing with it the best I can.

7. Demand Studios. It's not my favorite gig, but it's a safety net, and knowing it's there is helping to ease my worry about where our next mortgage payment is coming from, as well as the stiffness in my neck and shoulders and the tightness in my chest that I feared was maybe becoming permanent.

8. Pete. You know that we're crazy pet people, right? Well, we're craziest about our tiny dog. He is hilarious and sweet and the cutest thing ever, and he's usually the brightest spot in our day.