Pill Poppin' (not a)Mama

I take more pills than Grandpa. Seriously, God rest his soul, the man took a lot of pills in his latter days, but I think I've got him trumped.

Nothing makes you feel old faster than counting up how many pills you take on a daily basis. Granted, mine are all voluntary. The only prescription I'm currently taking is for birth control, which is also voluntary. It's not like I'm taking medication for my heart or my cholesterol or my sciatica or whatever. Still, they're all aimed at keeping me healthy and happy, and it is to my great shame that I function so much better with them than without them.

Here's the rundown:

First thing in the morning, I take…

Claritin, because I like breathing.

Ibuprofen, because maybe I should be taking something for my sciatica. I's old!

2 "Mega Mind" supplements, for my ADD. Actually, lately I've been taking a less expensive option from the same maker called "Mental Edge," and it's not nearly as effective. I've been pretty spacey and forgetful lately. I need to switch back.

Ginseng, because I should be taking Synthroid, but at least this stuff gives my metabolism enough of a boost to get me through the day.

St. John's Wort, because the ADD goes hand-in-hand with anxiety and depression, and this is my chill pill.

And then with breakfast I take…

4 grams (that's 4 capsules) of fish oil. Fish oil is the new snake oil. It cures everything! It's good for the heart! It's good for your skin! It helps with ADD and PMS! It actually does do all of those last things, which is why I keep taking it, and I assume it's also coming through on it's heart promises.

"Total Woman" multivitamin, which is a four-a-day supplement, and which comes in a gawdy Pepto-pink bottle with a 1970s-style logo that makes Matt sing "TO-tal WOMAAAN!" in a high falsetto whenever he sees the bottle, because, he says, if there were a commercial for these pills, that would be their jingle. Totally.

A crapload of extra zinc and vitamin C, because I don't want to get sick.

And then at lunchtime I take…

More Mega Mind

More St. John's Wort

More Ginseng, which I take yet again mid-afternoon

Trinessa. Because I don't want to be having no babies. Yet.

And then at bedtime I take…

More St. John's Wort, so I don't have night terrors.

Valerian Root, or sometimes Melatonin (I like to mix it up so I don't build up a tolerance to either), to help me sleep.

Taking dosages into account, that's a total of thirty -- thirty! -- pills that I take daily. They are the glue that holds me together. I can't decide whether it's commendable that I'm taking such good care of my mental and physical health, or it's just very, very sad that I need all this stuff. But either way, that is certainly a bunch of pills for someone my age to be taking.