Believe it or not, this post is not about NaNoWriMo.

I've been thinking about how to re-structure my business to make it more profitable heading into the new year. I'm still at a point where I'm just making ends meet, and that's largely thanks to Matt's disability income and student loans, because I'm definitely not pulling in enough to set aside savings to get us through the lean times when none of my current crop of clients have anything for me. I know I can always write for Demand Studios to get us through those periods, but... ugh. I got so burned out writing for DS last summer that I don't even want to talk about it.

Really, I'm doing pretty well for only having been in business a year and a half. It generally takes most businesses two to three years to start turning a profit, so I figure if I stick with it, things are only going to get better. Part of that lies with me understanding the true value of my skills and expertise, and of the many, many, MANY hours I've put in over many years developing said skills and expertise, and getting over my bashfulness about charging what I'm worth. Because one thing I've learned is that if you charge bargain prices, you're going to attract clients that are looking for a bargain because they can't afford to pay. Whereas if you charge your full worth, you will find people and businesses that think that's perfectly reasonable and are both happy and able to pay that amount for what you can bring to the table. Which makes it a lot easier to afford things like health insurance and babies.

I also need to get over my shyness about marketing myself. I give my clients perfectly good marketing advice, but I never follow it for myself because... I don't know. I guess because it makes me feel like a jerk. A pushy, annoying jerk. And yet I don't think that about the vast majority of people I know who put themselves out there to market their books/products/services/blogs/etc. every single day. Maybe if I figure it out I can write a book or do a seminar on marketing for shy introverts. But that would be one more thing I'd have to market, so... maybe not.

On a related tangent, last night I caught up on this week's America's Next Top Model, and I'm totally on Team Ann. That girl reminds me so much of myself. Not the tall, rail-thin, extremely photogenic part, OBVS, but the shy, awkward, reserved personality part. During the acting class, when in her head she felt like she was screaming her lungs out but in reality she was making barely audible whimpering sounds? That's so me. I used to wonder why people would tell me all the time that I was so quiet and reserved, because in my head I was really putting myself out there and thought there was all kinds of inflection in my voice. But I've got kind of a flat affect, and if I try to sound "normal" I really feel like I'm shouting and acting like a complete fool. I've learned to do it anyway, especially in a business setting, but it feels so unnatural and uncomfortable and forced.

That's how self-marketing makes me feel. But I know that if I ever want to succeed in anything creative I have to get over that and learn to just go ahead and shout it out and be a fool, realizing that it only really feels that way to my miswired brain and that it looks perfectly fine to everybody else.

So I'll be working on that in the coming weeks, and hopefully I'll have a re-designed (again!) web site with all of the new info ready to launch by January. Yes, in addition to finishing my Nano novel and my How To Start a Business e-book and surviving the holidays and everything else. At least I'll be too busy to dwell on the things about this time of year that tend to make me sad.

Life Happens Once Again. It Must Be November.

It seems to be an inevitable happenstance of NaNoWriMo that whenever I really start making headway on my novel, Life Happens in such a way that I'm forced to do a major priority shift for the rest of the month. On Tuesday evening my mom-in-law called to let us know that she'd got up that morning to find her husband (Matt's step-dad) lying unconscious in the hallway and had him rushed to the hospital after she couldn't wake him up. He'd apparently collapsed from a combo of extremely low electrolytes and extremely high blood sugar (he's diabetic), and was suffering kidney failure and respiratory failure. He's been in ICU in an induced coma and hooked up to a ventilator ever since. His blood chemistry is improving, though, so his doctors are optimistic that he'll pull through. We're remaining hopeful and doing our best to trust that whatever happens, God is in control of the situation.

I feel terrible for my MIL right now. Her husband is disabled (he has emphysema on top of diabetes and is tethered to an oxygen tank at all times) and highly dependent on her, but she's been out of work for the last six months or so. They're struggling to make ends meet, and the only insurance they currently have is the limited Medicaid coverage he gets. So to help keep a roof over their heads, they've been basically living on ramen noodles and cutting back on both of their medications. So I know she's feeling at least partially responsible, even though she was just doing the best she could in a crappy situation.

Matt and I had no idea how badly off they were, because she doesn't want to worry us. But now that we know we're going to do everything we can to make sure they have healthy food to eat and can take all of their meds. It won't be that easy for us, either, since we're not exactly overflowing with disposable income, but this is just more opportunity to trust in the Lord's provision--something I've gotten pretty good at over the last couple of years.

I've been keeping my head down (read: staying off of Twitter and other fun parts of the Internet) all week, trying to get on top of my work after several projects all heated up at once toward the end of last week. I'm pretty well caught up, but I'm going to stay in head-down mode today to get ahead so I can take a long weekend to focus on my in-laws.

As for NaNoWriMo, so far I've managed to keep up my word count (not that you'd know it by the yellow boxes on that widget in the previous post--apparently it only lights up green if you actually write 1,667 words that day, regardless of whether your overall word count is ahead of where it should be), and I'm going to do my best to keep it up. Of course it's fallen a few notches on the priority list right now, but to keep writing diligently through a crisis is a skill I badly need to learn. Normally, the slightest crisis or upheaval makes me throw up my hands and banish writing to the back burner, a practice that's not going to serve me if I ever want to have a career in writing fiction.

At any rate, if you are the praying sort and could remember my in-laws in your prayers, both they and we will really appreciate it.

Lately, 7.11.09

Things are getting better. Most of the outstanding invoices I was waiting on when the crisis hit have since been taken care of, and I already sold one Opus & Bill ornament at a respectable Buy It Now price to an enthusiastic collector. So the immediate crisis is past. I'm still concerned about making the house payment at the end of the month, but I'm trying very hard to trust in the Lord's provision and not stress out about it. For one thing, the others are all going to sell, and hopefully toward the end of the auction tomorrow the bidding will heat up. No Craigslisters have offered us a price to beat what the scrap yard offered us for the Buick, but the amount the scrap yard will give us will still help. And I have plenty more collectibles and vintage goodies that I'll be getting ready to either eBay or post in my Etsy shop tomorrow. I also accidentally made a really cute bracelet the other day (I was trying to make a collar for Boudica, but I didn't make it long enough), so I'll be making more of those for the shop.

On the work front, the one regular Task Wrangler client is keeping me busy, and thanks to their referral, I just signed a new client who I think will have plenty for me to do for weeks to come. If I can just rustle up two more steady clients of that caliber, we'll be in good shape. If I can find four more, we'll even be, dare I say, comfortable. For now I just need to focus on keeping these two really happy so hopefully they'll spread the word and bring in more referrals. I also need to find time to write some more articles-for-hire for Demand Studios. Their pay isn't the greatest, but it's easy money, or at least it would be if I could stop being such a perfectionist and stop taking several hours to craft a 500 word how-to article.

So I'm a lot more optimistic than I was a week ago. Getting through this month is looking doable. There's still August to scrape through, but I'll worry about that when it gets here. One day, one month, one house payment at a time. The hardest part is not being able to take care of things when they go wrong. Our air conditioner, for example, isn't cooling the house, but I don't know where we're gonna get even the $60 to cover the home warranty service call (and as handy as it's come in, I'm pretty sure renewing the year of home warranty service that came with the house isn't going to happen). And we need to repair a tire for the car (did I mention that, on the way back from the bank when I went to put in some cash borrowed off of our only active credit card to fix the overdraft mess that started this whole crisis in the first place, I got a flat tire? "When it rains, it pours" is a cliche because it's true, and that's why it's used so often. Sheesh). But those are merely inconveniences, thankfully, and they can wait until funds are flowing a little more freely again.

Thanks to all of you who offered sympathy and encouragement. It helped me keep my perspective.

Looking forward: later today I'll be posting the audio version of the first episode of This Old Haunt -- that is, if the file doesn't get completely erased after almost two hours of recording and editing just as I'm about to finish it, like it did the other day. The rest of the weekend, despite being tempted to languish in the wilting heat with a book and a tall, cold glass of iced tea, I'll be getting the next episode, both written and audio, ready to post on Monday, and also getting the above-mentioned items ready for my shop and eBay.

What about you guys? What are you doing to beat the heat and/or the economy?

My finances are a wash. Or, they're as fracked as Wash. Take your pick, they're both true.

Remember in my last post, how I said we were good for this month, and then things would get dicey? Yeah. I remember thinking that was how it was. That's a nice memory.

Here, though, is the reality: thanks to my infuriating combination of a flighty attention span and bad math skills, we're out of money now. Like, completely. So completely that we were actually a couple hundred dollars in the hole, but my husband the ex-banker convinced the nice customer service rep to refund the overdraft fees, thank you Bank of America (suck it, IBC!). So we're at nothing, with bills on the way.

Instead of crying about it--okay, after crying about it a lot--I went into action. I stocked and re-opened my Etsy shop, where shipping on all items is free on purchases made between now and next Saturday. I listed all of my Bloom County/Outland/Opus Christmas ornaments on eBay. I have an old Buick for sale. And I set up a new blog for posting my novella, This Old Haunt. And yes, there is a tip jar. Donations are completely optional, and I was careful to make that clear.

Before the critics descend to tell me I should get a job--that's what I've been trying to do for the last six months. Broadening my field and lowering my standards haven't helped. I can't even find temp or part time work. Business is trickling in on the Virtual Assistant and freelance writing fronts, but paydays from that are small and slow in coming. If we can just make it through July and August, I think we'll be okay for the rest of the year. But rest assured, I'm working my butt off, and I honestly don't know what else to do that doesn't involve illicit surgery and the black market.

I just don't want to lose my house. I don't know what we'll do if it comes to that.

So anyway, if you, dear readers, could take a look at my offerings and see if there's anything you like well enough to pay for, I will be eternally grateful. I'll be equally grateful if you help spread the word about This Old Haunt, where the first episode will go live tomorrow.

Thank you. And if you ever need a helping hand, don't ever hesitate to ask me.

Thinking out loud to keep from panicking

I've been kicking around the idea of doing something akin to this. The idea of asking for donations in exchange for anything makes me twitchy, after the way it went last time; but I'm more comfortable with the idea of placing an optional tip jar next to my work than I am charging outright for it. So far, this has just been an idea floating around the back of my head. I haven't had anything anywhere near ready to even show to the public, let alone suggest anybody might think it's worth a few dollars.

But a few things have changed. First, I have a novella that's almost ready to go. Since it's a novella, and not a full-length novel, it's going to be hard to market to mainstream publishers, and even when I thought I could squeeze a whole entire novel out of it, I still considered putting it online in some form, whether as an e-book or in podcast form.

Second, you know how ever since I got laid off in January, I've been saying that we're doing fine, and it's not time to panic? Well, I logged into my bank account earlier, and panic gripped my soul.

Here's the thing: I've been looking for full-time work since that crap-tastic day in January, but haven't been able to land so much as a temp job in the brick-and-mortar world. Online, things have been a little better. I started my freelance writing/web design/copy editing/virtual assistant biz in April, and since then I've secured two regular clients; but that's not nearly enough to get by on, even with the continued unemployment benefits (if you're wondering, in Oklahoma you have to meet a certain weekly threshold of hours worked and income earned before you're disqualifed from unemployment, and so far I haven't even come close to that threshhold).

My husband is disabled, and he filed for Disability Insurance in February. We're still waiting for Social Security to make a decision. He's already been to two of their doctors, and they just scheduled a third doctor's evaluation for August. So that money, if we even get approved for it, isn't coming any time soon. We're trying to think of things he can do in the meantime, like maybe blogging or teaching beginner guitar, but those are both things that take time to build up a readership/clientelle and start earning anything.

Thing is, we're running out of time. When I first got laid off, we had our emergency fund, and just as that started to dwindle to panic-inducing levels, we got our tax refund and were able to replenish our savings. But now that's running out, too. I think we're good for July, and in September, Husband should be getting a student loan check that'll get us through the rest of the year. That leaves August. If I can just scrape together enough to pay our bills for August, I think we'll be okay.

But for that I've got to pull out all the stops. Take on more low-paying, uncredited writing-for-hire assignments, auction off my Opus & Bill Christmas ornament collection, market the bejeezes out of my business, get my Etsy shop stocked...and pimp out my writing, any way I can. Whatever I can do to pay my mortgage and keep from losing my house.

So I've got this novella, and I'm pretty sure there are people who would enjoy reading it. I'm even pretty sure some people would be willing to pay to read it. But I know I'm tragically, comically far from being the only one struggling through tough times right now, which is another reason I'm more comfortable with the "if you like it, if you are able, pay what you think it's worth" model. No obligation, no guilt, and feedback is lovely payment too.

Nothing's written in stone yet. I kind of wanted to put this out there to see what kind of reaction I'm in for before I go and do it. Also, the story needs one more polish, and if I do this I want to set up a nice web site for it, and I might go ahead and podcast it, too, if I can get over my hatred of my own voice for long enough. And now if I do go through with it, I'll be able to point to this post as an explanation.

And hey, this little experiment will do double-duty by testing the indie-internet-publishing waters to help me decide if that's really the right venue for The Hero Factor, if I ever get around to revising that behemoth.

Laptop Dance

I think I'm going to finally, FINALLY, have my prayers answered by getting a laptop. Maybe. We have some money, thanks to some really excellent federal stimulus tax breaks, and we're trying to be responsible with it. We already paid off the remainder of our car loan, and a big chunk of what we owe on our major appliances. We need to put some up for car insurance, and I'm waiting for the vet to call me back with an estimate on getting the cats' teeth cleaned, and of course we need to hang onto a significant chunk of it to live on in case I don't get any clients and/or a job any time soon. We bought a stationary bike--one with arm handles that Husband will be able to use, and that was at the top of our priority list, because aerobic exercise that he can do without falling on his hinder is pretty hard to come buy. I think that pretty well covers our needs, currently, so now we're down to wants. I want a laptop. He wants a new gun.

Yes, we are gun people. I wasn't, until his uncle took us target shooting out in the country a couple months ago, and now I am. We already own a gun, but he feels this is insufficient for the somewhat rough area that we live in. I'm inclined to agree, but mostly I just like to shoot at inanimate objects, and having a new gun to shoot at things sounds like fun. But not as much fun, or as necessary to me, as a new laptop.

We're hoping we can work out a way to buy both. I found the laptop I want on Buy.com for under $500, but it's factory refurbished, and Husband doesn't trust refurbishments. Best Buy has it for $580. Which might be doable, if that was all it was, but then there are Geek Squad fees for fixing Vista, and Cox fees for hooking us up with a wireless network, so whatever we pay for the laptop will have $100 or so on top of that.

But it's time. I need my own computer. I need to work in my own office. And, you know what? It's my turn. After two nice guitars, a pricey amp, and a lot of home gym equipment for him, it's time for me to get the big ticket item that I covet.

So, yes. I will be getting a laptop soon. And then I will be unstoppable.

I dreamed a dream of hair gone by, so different from this cash I'm holding

If you've been around here a while, then you know that I go back and forth a lot over whether to cut my hair. I think I want long hair. I imagine myself with a gorgeous main of long, wild, sexy curls. I spend six months or so growing it out...only to to find that it's not so much wild and sexy as it is kinda droopy, high maintenance and prone to split ends. But by that point, I've spent so much time growing it out that it seems like a shame to cut it.

So I dither, and before you know it another six months have gone by, it's halfway down my back, and it's still kind of a pain, but if I put the effort in I like the way it looks. By now I'm emotionally attached, I'm afraid of how I'd look with shorter hair (even though I have old pictures telling me I'd look just fine), I can't settle on a hair style, and having long hair just feels safe. By now it's been long enough for a long enough time that it's part of my identity, and the idea of cutting it feels almost as frightening as the idea of getting a tattoo. As frightening, at first, until I remind myself that it's not as permanent, that it would grow back eventually, that it wouldn't be the end of the world. And then there I am again, back with the dithering.

But if I found someone willing to pay between $200 and $2,000 for my lopped off ponytail? Then, I think, the only dithering is over where I last saw the scissors. You want to pay how much for a foot of my hair? For real? And I don't have to become a diseased prostitute like Fantine? Um, yes please? I can think of plenty of things I could buy that would soften the pain of my hairendectomy. Like paying off some bills, for starters.

My hair needs some TLC to fix some damaged ends and get it in good condition, but I'm seriously considering this. I might wait to grow it a couple more inches, though. Apparently, the longer the pony, the higher the price it fetches. And if it turns out there's no market for light auburn relaxed curls, I can always pack it off to Locks of Love and reap some warm fuzzies while I'm getting used to my new 'do.