Who's That Girl?

I'm getting some head shots taken today. Li'l Sis owes me some free pictures for doing her web site last year, so when I asked her if she had any decent candid shots of me that I could use on my new bio page, she offered to do a head shot session instead (and to buy me sushi for a belated birthday lunch, which, YAY! But I digress).

I'm feeling some anxiety about it, and not just because I'm carrying some extra weight in my face right now. Nor is it because last night I decided to trim the bangs I'd been growing out for the past several months and made a complete disaster of it -- though come to think of it, neither of those things is helping. But mostly, it's because these pictures are supposed to be a representation of who I am, or at least who I want to present to potential clients; and I really have no idea who that is right now.

As I try to decide what to wear to the shoot, it's hitting me. I have this picture of myself in my head, and in that picture I have an adorable and hip (but not hipster) hair cut with blonde (and possibly some pink) highlights mixed in with the red. My clothes are cute but geek-chic, my nails are short but manicured, and, weirdly, I'm wearing glasses, with thick retro tortoise-shell frames that are slightly geeky but flatter my face. This imaginary me that I envision is nowhere near reality.

I tell myself that this is what I would look like if I had the money (and the time and energy) to spend on clothes and haircuts and getting my eyes checked. But the reality is a tired chick who trims her own hair (sometimes badly) and doesn't even bother to do self-manicures anymore and needs glasses but can't afford them and buys whatever clothes can be found on the clearance rack that look passable in public, who is doing the best she can on limited resources to look presentable but who just doesn't have the time, energy or money to spend on her appearance. And usually, it doesn't matter, because I work at home and my husband says he likes me better au naturale, anyway, and most days he's the only one who ever sees me.

But that's not really the version of myself that I want to display on the Internet for all of my clients and potential clients to see. So getting dressed today feels like picking out a costume. But which costume? Which side of myself do I want to portray? There's the casual, laid-back, semi-fashionable business woman, which is pretty much the costume I used to wear to work every day when I had a corporate job. That seems appropriate, considering this is for my business web site. But then there's the geek girl, the girl with the (imaginary) glasses who wears funky tee-shirts and no jewelry and loves to read and write urban fantasy and romance and is addicted to TV and spends the majority of her time online... which also seems appropriate, because I do work online, and I am a web designer, which is fairly geeky in and of itself, and also because it's really ME.

I honestly can't decide which version to go with. It doesn't help that I'm having a bit of an identity crisis, what with the whole "I'm so psyched to become a mother -- oh, wait, PSYCH! That's apparently not for me!" thing that's been happening with me lately, but that's fodder for another post. Whichever version I go with, I'd better decide soon - I have another hour before I need to get dressed and prettify myself, and with all of the time I anticipate I'll spend standing on the verge of tears in the middle of my closet, I'd better get started early. Hopefully, I'll be able to come up with some kind of happy medium. Or maybe I'll just take a second set of clothes and let Li'l Sis decide. Either way, one thing's for sure -- whoever I present myself as today, she's going to have terrible bangs.

I dreamed a dream of hair gone by, so different from this cash I'm holding

If you've been around here a while, then you know that I go back and forth a lot over whether to cut my hair. I think I want long hair. I imagine myself with a gorgeous main of long, wild, sexy curls. I spend six months or so growing it out...only to to find that it's not so much wild and sexy as it is kinda droopy, high maintenance and prone to split ends. But by that point, I've spent so much time growing it out that it seems like a shame to cut it.

So I dither, and before you know it another six months have gone by, it's halfway down my back, and it's still kind of a pain, but if I put the effort in I like the way it looks. By now I'm emotionally attached, I'm afraid of how I'd look with shorter hair (even though I have old pictures telling me I'd look just fine), I can't settle on a hair style, and having long hair just feels safe. By now it's been long enough for a long enough time that it's part of my identity, and the idea of cutting it feels almost as frightening as the idea of getting a tattoo. As frightening, at first, until I remind myself that it's not as permanent, that it would grow back eventually, that it wouldn't be the end of the world. And then there I am again, back with the dithering.

But if I found someone willing to pay between $200 and $2,000 for my lopped off ponytail? Then, I think, the only dithering is over where I last saw the scissors. You want to pay how much for a foot of my hair? For real? And I don't have to become a diseased prostitute like Fantine? Um, yes please? I can think of plenty of things I could buy that would soften the pain of my hairendectomy. Like paying off some bills, for starters.

My hair needs some TLC to fix some damaged ends and get it in good condition, but I'm seriously considering this. I might wait to grow it a couple more inches, though. Apparently, the longer the pony, the higher the price it fetches. And if it turns out there's no market for light auburn relaxed curls, I can always pack it off to Locks of Love and reap some warm fuzzies while I'm getting used to my new 'do.

Solve my hair dilemma

I'm having kind of a love/hate thing with my hair right now. I've managed to grow it out the longest its been in decades, and on good hair days, days when it's not so hot and humid that I can't be bothered to do anything beyond slapping it up in a hair clip and pinning it the hell out of my face, I have to say, it's pretty, and I love it (and before you go judging me for calling my own hair pretty, first know that it took me more than thirty years to be able to refer to myself as pretty in any context, and to stop accusing other people of lying when they used that word in reference to me, kthx).

But, it's not very hip. It's long, and curly, and I like my bangs, but other than that it doesn't have a lot of style. And like I said, half the time it's clipped up on top of my head anyway. Also, instead of going grey, I'm going white, and while the white:light auburn ratio is still low enough that I can pass it off as highlights, it's making me want to do something a little more extreme, color-wise, such as going either Lucille Ball henna red or light reddish blonde. I just don't think my current long, curly, shapeless 'do is suited to extreme color in either direction.

The main thing is, I haven't had a ton of luck with local stylists. I've never had one give me a hair cut I loved more than once (well, there was one who always did a fabulous job, but I lost track of her years ago), and I haven't found any that know what to do with curls other than flat-iron the hell out of them. The gist of which is that I love my long hair too much to give it up for anything less than fabulous, and I don't trust any local stylists to give me fabulous hair. The best they can do, I expect, is Stylish Mom hair, which, no. Maybe once I actually AM a mom, but for now, no.

Even so, I'm considering biting the bullet and getting it chopped. Part of me wants so badly to have cool, stylish, hipster hair. But then there's the part of me that loves having long curls and loves to be ultra-girly. And this, dear readers, is where my pole (tee hee!) poll comes in. Over on the sidebar, just two clicks will tell me which YOU think is better to have: pretty hair, or cool hair. Because I don't dare hope that I could ever find someone capable of giving me both at the same time.

Hair Today

As requested, here's a pic of the new 'do.



It's not too different, but I like it. I just had all of my layers trimmed a bit, but I had about an inch taken off of the second-to-bottom layer, and then had another, short layer added up top. So I've still got the length without it dragging me down and making me resemble a cocker spaniel, and plenty of volume up top. I am most pleased.

It's just hair. Yeah, right.

I have a hair appointment tomorrow. It's grown out quite a lot since the last time I went. I'm trying to decide whether to get it trimmed back up into this style, or to keep it long and just get it styled better. I'm also dithering on whether to get my bangs cut or keep growing them out. It's a tough call. I like the style I've been getting, and it looks good, but I'm also getting ready for a change, and I like my long hair when it's styled right. I might have to sneak a few minutes to gawk at celebrity hair styles this afternoon. I kind of like how Drew Barrymore's hair is looking these days...

Or I suppose I could just simplify and go Britney. [/evil]

Hair Today...

I got my hair cut this weekend. It needed it pretty desperately, as it was in that limp, dry, cocker spaniel ear stage where it wouldn't cooperate and looked unhealthy and bad and my only line of defense were careless updos and pony tails. So Friday I bit the bullet and made an appointment, and Saturday I got it done.

I meant to take a "before" picture, but got myself in a rush and forgot. So this blurry close-up of my office ID badge picture, which is actually the "before" from two haircuts ago but still gives a pretty good idea of what I was dealing with, will have to do:



I knew that to restore any semblance of health I'd have to part with several inches, so split were my ends, so I hunted the Giant Internets Tubes for pictures of hair I like and think I might like to have, because I've finally learned that to go to a stylist for anything other than a trim, with no idea of what you want and just a vague description of what you're pretty sure you don't want, is DUMB. So ultimately I went in armed with this lovely picture of Cate Blanchette, circa the 2005 Oscars.

Not that I suffer any delusions of looking anything like Miss Blanchette, but I was pretty sure that my hair could do that. But I wasn't sure I wanted it quite as short as hers, so I said to the stylist, "I know a lot needs to come off, but I'd like you to leave it long enough that my husband doesn't make a face when he sees it." You know, that "Sweet mother, what's she done to her head?" face that they get while they're scrambling to think of complimentary-sounding things to say that won't get them in trouble while they adjust to the change. I didn't have to explain it to her. She knew. And so she gave me this:



It's not Cate Blanchette, but it's me, and that's good. I approve. Matt also approved, and didn't make the face as he told me so, so I believe him. It feels healthy and soft and bouncy and I can't stop playing with it. I feel pretty, even, which is nice considering I've got a date tonight--the previously mentioned First Date Anniversary Date, wherein we're going back to the restaurant where it all started. And now I have to confess that I took another picture of my hair earlier, and when I got ready to upload it I realized I wasn't wearing any lipgloss, and so I applied some and then re-took the picture, because I am nothing if not an extremely vain girly-girl who doesn't want to show the world her thin white lips.