I guess not, though, because my original hook is posted at #63, along with her comments (and those of some of her readers). Miss Snark herself called it not half bad, but admitted that she just doesn't get my genre. The reader comments are mostly positive so far--a couple of accusations of being unoriginal and ripping off Galaxy Quest (a movie that I'd honestly forgotten all about until they mentioned it, though I'm sure it's stuck in my subconscious somewhere providing some influence) mixed with suggestions on how to make it more original and a few commenters even declaring they'd at least give the first few pages a try if they didn't decide to read the whole book then and there. So all in all I'm feeling pretty good about it. No idea yet whether Miss Snark will let me submit my story pages, but even if she doesn't, at least I've finally figured out how to write a decent query hook.
As for the revision, I'll never know whether she'd have liked it better--she just e-mailed me to let me know it's been deleted because I forgot to grant her permission to post it. I'd berate the schnapps for causing my memory lapse, but they made my hot chocolate so much tastier that I can't get mad at them. Anyway, for posterity's sake, here's my second hook.
Michael Chambers is a nice guy. Five years as a leading man in a hit TV series hasn't managed to drive the nice out of him. So when his ex needs a place to stay while her apartment's fumigated, of course he says yes. She can even bring her cat. When the cat runs away, Michael goes out to look for it, because that's the kind of guy he is. That is, until the cat transforms into a perfect double of Michael and delivers him to a militant faerie princess who wants to borrow him for a little spell. Michael may be nice, but he's not a putz.
After refusing the princess, he's free to go; but he finds getting home is more than a simple matter of calling a cab when it turns out nobody can see or hear him--at least, nobody human. He's trapped in a version of Los Angeles where ogres roam the subways, faeries are technology junkies, and the opposing faerie courts are preparing to go to war--a war that will naturally have devastating consequences on the entire human race. As Michael learns the stakes, he realizes that what's needed is not a nice guy actor. What's needed is a badass hero. What's needed is his alter ego, Simon Caufield, a supernatural superhero with an uncanny ability to both get his way and get things done.
Good thing a certain princess knows just the spell to make Simon real.
8 comments:
Hey,
You commented on my hook (#65) and it really brought my morale up after the rejection. Thanks a lot.
Glad to hear it. Miss Snark can be brutal, but the snarklings can be especially rough. Try not to let them get to you. Some of them are more concerned with making themselves sound clever than with helping you or worrying about your feelings.
If you'd like to bounce some ideas for improving your hook off of me, feel free to e-mail me. You probably won't hear back from me this weekend, but after Monday I'll be happy to help.
Wow. I really like how you reworked the hook. Nice.
Yeah, it's the snarklings that are the worst. I respect Miss Snark too much to take any offense (plus, her comments weren't too brutal). Ha-ha, and you're right -- most of the snarklings just want to sound witty. One person wrote, "It's derivative and unrelatable." I'm interested in how she got that out of a hook.
And if it helps, I think your premise is really interesting, and I'm not exactly a fantasy reader. (I'm not just saying this, either; I really do think the person who said "Looks like a bunch of already-done no-depth hand-waving to me" is another reject making him/herself feel better by putting your [better] hook down.)
I really like the second hook as well. I can see you've taken some of the comments on the other hooks to heart.
I did think of Galaxy Quest when I first read your concept, but the more sample chapters I read, the fewer similarities there were.
Bojo and garnigal - thanks. And thanks again, g, for the betas.
Does my plot still sound like Galaxy Quest? I think now it sounds a little like Neverwhere...which is actually a much bigger inspiration than GQ. I think my story is sort of Neverwhere meets The Dresden Files meets the Whedonverse. Maybe I should put that in my query. But probably not.
Anonymous - yeah, I noticed the comment you quoted, but then I got all distracted by being told I can't use "awry" because it's the wrong era. "Awry" has an era? Wha?
Sorry, JJ. I didn't mean to pile on. There were no GC allusions when I posted my comment.
Then, after Snark approved 2000 comments, suddenly it looks like everybody was thinking the same thing. Ew boy.
Nobody accused you of being unoriginal. It's a great plot concept.
Oh, sweetie, no worries! At least you likened it to GQ (which, yes, the premises are pretty similar on the surface, I'll cop to that) in a positive way. I really appreciated your comments. No apologies necessary, and thanks for the encouragement.
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