Finding strength.

I'm considering buying Taming Your Gremlin by Rick Carson, which is supposed to help you quiet your negative inner voice and stop letting it hold you back.

I definitely have a gremlin that needs taming. I think it's primarily responsible for a lot of my plans not coming to fruition. It's fueled by low self-esteem, shyness and fear. It gets me to say things like, "Why did I think I could do this?" and "Why would anybody want to buy that from ME?" and "I'm just not capable of managing my time well enough to do that."

I keep trying to find time to set up a page for my web site detailing knitting lessons that I want to offer. I know that I'm qualified to teach the fundamentals, and even some advanced stuff. I even know from experience that I can be a good teacher. But every time I start to write the copy for the page I sieze up with fear, and my gremlin starts whispering in my head things like, "You do realize that this will require you to talk face to face with strangers? Do you really think you knit so well that anybody would want to learn from YOU? Did I mention the talking to strangers part? It won't just be the lessons, you'll have to make small talk. You suck at small talk. What if you make an appointment that you're too tired to keep? How are you going to fit this into your weekends when you already barely find time to relax? Strangers! Talking! YOU CAN'T DO THIS."

It was a similar train of thought that kept me from applying to grad school. And from submitting my first novel more than once. And from giving my gift basket business more than a month to take off, and from making phone calls to potential clients. It's what makes me keep taking weeks-long breaks from writing my current novel. It's what kept me out of the dating pool until God decided to drop Matt right in my lap.

Yes indeed, my gremlin needs taming. But I still hesitate to buy this book. My gremlin's telling me it will be a waste of time and money, that nothing's going to shut it up because it's only being straight with me.

But the main reason I'm considering NOT buying it is because I tend to think any "self-help" I need is all wrapped up in a single book of which I already own many copies, in many different translations. I'm not sure that I need to spend time and money on a book that will essentially tell me that which can be wrapped up in a single verse: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I wrote that on a sticky note today, and stuck it at the top of my monitor. Reading it has a tendency to shut my gremlin right up. After all, it's pretty brazen, but it's not so bold as to call God a liar.

I think I'm going to hold off on the book a while longer. Meanwhile, I've got some web page copy to write.