He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. —Psalm 113:9

May 22, 2009

Off kilter

I've always had a difficult time finding balance in my life. When things aren't going so well, I have this tendency to withdraw into myself and neglect things and, worse, relationships. When things are going well (read: I'm not a hormonally depressive loony), it's not much better. I seem to have two gears: completely scattered, or completely focused. In the first case, I'm forgetful about all kinds of things, and pretty much a giant flake. In the second, I'm focused on the things I need to get done, and I get them done...but I forget almost everything else. It's hard enough not letting that affect my marriage; remembering to stop what I'm doing and go pay attention to my husband once in a while, or to remember to do my share of the housework, or to pay the bills on time and keep track of the weekly budget, etc. Trying to remember that I have friends, in "real life" and online, and extended family who would probably like to hear from me is a struggle, at best.

It's been worse since I lost my job, and with it my insurance. My disordered sleep is going untreated now, and I'm not getting much in the way of quality sleep, which is exacerbating my ADD. And my OCD, and all of my other weird, borderline-Aspy quirks and neuroses. Not to mention that I'm not exactly bursting with energy right now. I have a lot on my plate, trying to find a job and/or clients, to demonstrate to the world that I'm an efficient and creative hard worker who someone should totally hire, because I do good work. And in all of that I lost sight of even trying to find balance between work and play and being social.

Which is all to say that it's a holiday weekend, and I'm taking the next few days off from my "job" to focus on the job of being a good wife, friend, sister, aunt and daughter. My new web site design is up and running, and everything else on my massive To Do list can wait a few days while I refocus my priorities and remind myself that there is a whole world that exists outside my head, and that I should interact with it once in a while. I don't think it'll "fix" anything. I used to think that this whole struggle for balance was just learning to be an adult and that it would get easier, come more naturally with age; but by now I'm pretty sure that it's just life, just the way I am, and it's always something I'm going to have to work on. But until I achieve that balance, taking a break once in a while to switch up my focus is the best I know how to do.

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