Baby, Baby

My birth control prescription runs out of refills after April, and I'm secretly contemplating not renewing it and seeing what happens. Except now it's not so secretly anymore, although I haven't talked to Matt about it yet. I want to make sure I really want to before I bring it up to him, because if he's ready to start trying again, I don't want to get his hopes up only to disappoint him by freaking out and changing my mind. Of course, if it turns out he's NOT ready, then this will all be moot. We have to both be on board with this for it to happen, and it's totally understandable if he needs more time to recover from losing his parents before dealing with another round of baby craziness. Heck, I'm not so sure that I don't need more time to recover.

But I keep thinking: I'm going to be 38. If we wait until conditions are perfect, we might be waiting forever, and we don't have forever. It will be a giant leap of faith, but maybe that's the whole point. Part of me is totally ready to move forward on this and wants to be pregnant again, damn the consequences.

The rest of me remembers how miserable my last pregnancy was--just the fatigue and uncontrolled ADD and not being able to drink coffee or take my energy supplements or my focus vitamins, not being able to work for more than a few hours a day because I just COULD NOT focus on anything for any useful amount of time--just that part was a big challenge, let alone the fear and anxiety, the fist of dread in my stomach every time I went to the bathroom and pulled down my pants, praying I wouldn't see that tell-tale red spotting that told me it was all over. Until I actually saw it, and part of my soul died.

Am I really ready to put myself through that again? Am I a masochist for even thinking any part of that might be a good idea?

Of course, even if I go off of BC at the end of May, it would most likely take several-to-many months to get pregnant (the last time I stopped taking BC it took us 8 months to conceive), so it's doubtful that I'd get pregnant right away, and we'd most likely still have time to adjust to the idea.

But the only way I'm going to do it is if I treat myself like I'm pregnant from day one. That means no ADD supplements, no ginseng, no caffeine, eating a strict PCOS-friendly diet and taking prenatal meds. I'd have to triple-up on fish oil to help mitigate the ADD, and purified fish oil is not inexpensive. I know that if I do this regardless of whether I stop the BC I'll be healthier in the long run, but it will be torture, and I'm not sure I have the will to endure it yet.

So that's where my head's at on the baby front. I'm praying about it, and sometimes I have peace about it, but sometimes the thought of getting pregnant again almost gives me a panic attack. I won't do it unless I have total peace about it. And, of course, if Matt's 100% on board.

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UPDATE: Well, I had the talk with Matt. I just couldn't stand not talking to him about it anymore, and we were outside enjoying the weather and having a good moment, and it seemed like good timing, so I spilled everything I was thinking. And he's on board emotionally, although he understands if I decide I'm not; but in typical man fashion, he's more concerned that we're not ready financially. Whereas I'm more worried about the emotional impact if things go badly, and have faith that we can make the finances work if things go well.

Of course he has a point. He's been wanting to start doing part-time freelance photography, but first we need to get a better camera, and he needs to take some classes. He'd like to get that off of the ground before I become pregnant again, so I'll be able to cut back on my hours.

So right now we've agreed to both keep praying about it, and to keep talking about it, and to wait and see where our finances stand when my prescription runs out before deciding whether or not to renew it. And there you have it.