He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. —Psalm 113:9

March 16, 2011

This is what's keeping me together

1. Prayer. God is my therapist, y'all. I tell Him everything.

2. Matt. We both have our up days and our down days and times when we're unbearably grumpy and irritable, but for the most part he's so supportive and considerate of my grief that I have to remind myself that HE'S the one who just lost his parents. And then my heart breaks for him all over again, and I pull it together to be the supportive one and let him lean on me for a while. It's a give and take, and I'm trying to give as much as I take, but I know I couldn't get through it without him. All that, and he cooks, too. I love that man.

3. Healthy eating and exercise, which are both something I'm just getting back to. Since Rob died, we've been riding the fast food junk train again, and I've been pretty sedentary. Because when you feel too depressed to cook you tend to eat a lot of crap and not feel like working out, but that makes you feel even worse, and it's a sick, vicious merry-go-round of bad eating and not moving and feeling worse and worse. I'm finally sick and disgusted enough to force myself to get off of it. I'm getting back on the Cake or Baby? wagon, and choosing Baby. And I'm getting off of the couch and going outside and walking once and a while. After just a few days of this I'm already starting to feel better. I'm sure the warm weather and sunshine and fresh air are helping, too.

4. My bass. I'm still focusing on the fundamentals and building up my calluses and my hand strength and dexterity. I'd probably be a lot further along if I could devote a couple of hours a day to practicing like an actual musician, instead of just 30 minutes here and there like the hobbyist that I am. But it takes every ounce of my concentration to hit the right notes and make them sound halfway decent, which is great, because it gets my mind off of all of the stressful and sad things, and for that 30 minutes I get to just exist and make a joyful noise. It is awesome.

5. This blog. It's helping me to talk about this stuff, which is why there's been a sudden increase in posting. Some of you might wonder why I just talk AT you here on the blog instead of talking TO you, but I'm still at a place where I just need to get stuff out without having to answer questions or field advice or--and I'm well aware how selfish and awful this is of me--hear your problems, too, no matter how big or small. I'm trying to pull myself out of this place, because I don't enjoy it. But I'm still there, too mired in my own crap to even contemplate dealing with anybody else's, and I continue to withdraw and feel like the horrible friend that I am, and hope everyone will just be patient with me until this passes and I'm up to two-way personal conversations again.

6. You guys--here, and on Facebook, and Twitter, and in e-mail, who let me know that you're thinking of us and we're not alone, and that I'm not crazy, and that it's okay to still be weighed down with all this grief and dealing with it the best I can.

7. Demand Studios. It's not my favorite gig, but it's a safety net, and knowing it's there is helping to ease my worry about where our next mortgage payment is coming from, as well as the stiffness in my neck and shoulders and the tightness in my chest that I feared was maybe becoming permanent.

8. Pete. You know that we're crazy pet people, right? Well, we're craziest about our tiny dog. He is hilarious and sweet and the cutest thing ever, and he's usually the brightest spot in our day.


Ann said...

You help keep me sane too - keep writing at me if that's what it takes.

Love you, and Matt, and of course the pets. :)

jmbauhaus said...

I'm not sure how... I guess by basis of comparison. ;-)

Love you too, schnookums. *HUGS*

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