He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. —Psalm 113:9

December 12, 2011

Christmas Blues

So it's been a while. I haven't blogged here lately because, well, I just haven't felt like talking about my struggles to get through this time of year. But the truth is that it is something of a struggle, for Matt and I both. Today is the anniversary of my mom-in-law's passing (we think, since we're not sure exactly when she passed away; but it's close enough), so there's that. We miss her, and Rob, and our holiday traditions that revolved around them. This month also marked the second anniversary of my first MC, and the fact that we're still childless is weighing on us and making it really difficult to get in to the Christmas spirit. We trimmed our tree over the weekend, and that was mostly an exercise in tears and grief, as every ornament I hung either reminded me of a loss or of what we don't have.

To make matters worse, although my business has thankfully picked up, we racked up so much credit card debt during the lean months that we're still just treading water. So not only is Christmas shopping extremely limited, but we're also asking ourselves hard questions about whether it's smart or responsible to start TTC in January as we'd been planning to. I really don't know what to do. Where we're at right now, we would qualify for state aid for my medical care if I became pregnant, but we're not really comfortable with that. We don't know how we'd afford it out of pocket, though. I know we should take some time and try to pay off some of our debts before trying to have a baby, but my clock is ticking away and I'm feeling desperate to hurry up and get started, as every year older I get the greater the risks to both me and and any babies I manage to conceive, not to mention the more difficult it becomes to conceive in the first place.

So that's where my headspace is at right now -- a big mix of past grief and an uncertain future, facing the prospect of putting our dream on hold even longer. I'm praying my way through it and doing my best to trust God, but even so it's not helping me to feel very merry or Christmasy. I think the past two Christmases have us both too primed for grief and to expect badness to be able to just relax and enjoy this time of year.


Hope said...

(((Hugs))) I'm sorry this time of year is so hard for you, and that you're having to reconsider TTC in Jan. That must be really hard. I've never been in your exact situation, but one thing I realized before we started TTC was that if we waited for the perfect time, we'd never start trying, because there never really is a perfect time--there's always some reason or other to wait a little longer.

Anyway, I know you'll make the right decision for your family, even if no possible decision seems perfect.

Jean Bauhaus said...

Thanks, Hope. And that's what I keep telling my husband. I'm inclined to forge ahead and just trust that with God's help we'll be able to figure things out as we go, but Matt's a lot more cautious than I am, and we both want to do what's right. Trouble is, we just don't know what that is.  (((hugs)))

Hope said...

Isn't is *so* frustrating not to be able to agree on the *right* way to proceed with things? I hope you're able to come to an agreement that you both can live with, soon!

And on a totally different note, I'm passing along an award I got . . . Check out my latest blog posting!

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