160

That’s what I weigh right now. Well, it’s what I weighed last week when I remembered to step on the scales and check. It might be a bit lower now. Of course, that’s on my cheap bathroom scales, which typically run about 10 pounds lighter than doctor’s scales; sure enough, last time I was at the pharmacy I stepped on their scales and weighed in at 170.

But this, 160 pounds measured on my bathroom scales, is my wedding weight. At this moment, I could go put on my wedding gown and zip it up and look as good as I did on my wedding day. My BMI is right on the line between “normal” and “overweight” for my height. I haven’t checked my blood sugar in a while—I keep forgetting to do that, but I’ll try to remember to check it this weekend. It’s hard to remember to do it first thing in the morning. I guess I should make myself a note.

I still want to lose 10 more pounds. That will make me officially 160 according to the doctor’s scales, and solidly in the “normal” BMI range, and a size 10, and also the thinnest I’ve been since I was a freshman in high school. It will also leave me a nice, wide margin for error if and when I finally do get pregnant, to gain baby weight without having to worry about what it’s doing to my blood sugar and worrying what that, in turn, is doing to my baby.

But now, this moment, I’m SO much healthier than I was this time last year, both physically and emotionally. I’ve come a long way. Which is not to say that there aren’t still hard times. Just two nights ago I had a mini meltdown over, once again, frustration that our financial situation is forcing us to put our conception plans on hold a while longer. And I have to admit that that frustration’s getting worse the closer we get to my birthday, because I really, really want to have a baby before I turn 40 and, well, tick tock. But over all, I have peace from day to day, and a good feeling that things are falling into line, and that when we do finally have our baby, we’ll be different people than we were the first time I got pregnant, and we’ll be better parents than we would have been to our lost babies. And I still mourn them, and miss them, but I’m not, on a day-to-day basis, just sick with grief and heartbreak the way I was feeling last year. I’m healing, and I’m a lot stronger now, and I’m ready to take on whatever is in store.

Just, y’know, here’s hoping that what’s in store is success for our business followed by a successful pregnancy.