Hope and Peace

Yesterday, I gave myself a day off to process stuff. It was also sort of a day of bereavement, as I felt pretty hopeless about my aspirations to motherhood. Matt and I both alternated moping around and talking stuff out. I didn't really feel like talking to anyone else. I didn't pray much, because I was at a loss as to how to pray about this. Because, you see, after I published my last post, it started to sink in that those other fun complications I mentioned, like eclampsia and placental abruption, can actually, literally kill me.

So it's no longer just a question of whether my sanity can handle risking another miscarriage or other type of pregnancy loss if we try again. It's now also a question of, am I willing to risk my life for a chance to have a baby?

And I don't know the answer. I do know that it seems awfully unfair to Matt. He wants a baby about as much as I do, but I don't think he wants one more than he wants to NOT be a widowed single father, or worse, a widowed grieving father who also lost a baby.

Last night, lying in bed, I finally mustered up the words to pray, and was given enough peace to let me sleep. Today the peace is still with me. I did some more research on thrombophilia and the associated pregnancy risks, and now I feel a little more hopeful than I did yesterday. From what I read, it seems like those risks are usually pretty well mitigated with anti-coagulant drugs. Still, I'd like to meet with one of the clinic's high-risk obstetricians and have a discussion before we decide anything.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to take Matt's advice and take it one day at a time and not worry about a future that I can't possibly know for certain, and focus on taking the best care of myself that I can, and on continuing to grow and stabilize our business and finances. I need to be stricter with myself about eating a low-glycemic diet and working out regularly. I've been lazy on both counts because I'm pretty happy with my current size, but I could definitely be more fit, and my doctor seemed to think that losing a few more pounds might help. It certainly couldn't hurt.