Daydream Believer

I'm so tired today. Matt and I sat in the car after church last night to talk some things out, and time got away from us and we both stayed out past our bedtimes.

I'm also tired because of what we talked about. He simply can't stop brooding over the fear that he hasn't taken care of himself well enough to prevent himself from ever getting cancer again and ruining our happiness, or worse, making me a widow. It's gotten to the point of obsession, to the point where he can't enjoy the time we do have together, or let himself be happy for us. And there's nothing I can do except be there for him to encourage him and pray for him, and maybe do my best to convince his stubborn-ass self to get some counseling or get back on anti-depressants. It's so frustrating. And I'm frustrated with myself because even though I know he can't help it, he can't just snap himself out of it, it's something he has to work through and it's going to take time, I can't help feeling a tiny bit hurt and resentful when he says he feels like he has nothing to look forward to, like, why doesn't he look forward to being with me, to marrying me, and he says he does, but it's just buried so deep under this anxiety that he can't feel it right now. Ow. Ow ow ow.

I hurt. I hurt because he hurts and I hurt because I can't fix his hurt and I hurt because I let his hurting hurt me. I want to be this strong stoic Amazon who can just hold his hand and nod and be wise and lend him my strength, but instead I just feel so weak and helpless and like I'll never be as strong as he needs me to be. I hate this. I love him so much but I hate this.

It will get better. I have to believe it will get better. He believes it will. Last night he had a breakthrough. He realized that if he doesn't stop this, he's going to reach the end of his life, whenever that comes, and realize that he wasted all of the time he had with me worrying about not having enough time with me. And it needs to stop. And he put his arms around me and told me that it's okay for me not to be strong, that he doesn't need me to be a strong warrior woman, he just needs me to be me, and to love him. I can do that.

And I reminded him that I've been dealt too much bullshit in my life, that it's time for things to be good for me for a while, and maybe this is an oversimplified view, but I waited my entire life for him, for this kind of happiness, I waited 32 goddamn years for God to give him to me and he didn't finally bring him into my life just so I could turn around and watch him be taken away. That I know God allows us trials to help us grow and become stronger, but he never allows us to endure more than we can handle and I cannot handle losing him, not like that, so he's safe. And besides, he's simply not allowed to leave me.

That made him smile. And his smile made me smile. We're going to be okay. Fifty years from now, we're still going to be okay.