Fake it till ya make it

I'm doing my best to give every appearance of being an organized and efficient administrator. I'm filing things right away, creating folders for every little thing, both in Outlook and in my desk, writing meeting times on every calendar w/in my reach both online and off... basically being careful to do all of those things that DON'T come naturally that will save my butt, keep me out of trouble and prevent my Absent-minded Professor Syndrome from creeping into this job.

I have this theory, see, that if I keep pretending to be this together person that eventually I'll become that person. Or at the very least that the act will become so second-nature that I'll forget that it's an act. It's not so far-fetched. This has actually worked for me before. When I went back to school I started out ignoring the Cs, Ds and Fs I pulled down during my first attempt at college and pretending that I was a good student with good study habits. By the time I graduated I had actually become a straight A student. At my last job, acting like I was always on top of things kept my bosses happy even when I fell behind and became totally overwhelmed.
And at home, pretending to be a good housekeeper has gradually led to my actually having halfway decent housekeeping skills.

Of course, there's a down side. It means I put a lot of pressure on myself and don't leave myself much room for error. It means I beat myself up when I make mistakes. It means feeling like a failure if I can't live up to the pretense. It means living in constant fear that I'm going to be found out and the consequences will be catastrophic.

I've also learned that there are times and situations when this method simply isn't appropriate, when it's absolutely necessary to be yourself. Like in relationships, for instance. I realized recently that I've been trying to apply this theory to my relationship with Matt. I've been trying to live up to this idea in my head of a "Good Girlfriend," and training myself to be a "Good Wife." And I've figured out that this is a bad idea on so many levels. For one thing, it doesn't give him enough credit for being willing and able to accept me as I am. For another, it's a betrayal of trust. How can he be sure of anything about me if I'm not totally honest with him about who I am? How can we ever truly be intimate and connected if I'm always focused on keeping up appearances in front of him? To say nothing of how this sets me up for a lifetime of both pretending to be something I'm not and pressure to live up to the act.

But on the job front, this method works. It keeps me on my toes and keeps me from getting careless (even if it does increase the embarrassment factor when I do inevitably forget something important or screw something up). And while I work on becoming the sort of person who is always on top of things, in the meantime my bosses and coworkers already think I am that person. Now the challenge is to never let them find out otherwise.