I, apparently, cannot handle having long fingernails. My nails are finally, inexplicably, healthy again, and have grown long and strong and really quite nice looking, if I do say so myself. The plan is to keep them this way until the wedding and then cut them short again after things settle down and I'm ready to take up guitar practice again. Trouble is, I can't seem to go two days without clawing myself. As if having two feisty cats wasn't bad enough. My hands are covered in cuts and scratches right now, every one of them self-inflicted. The nails might not make it until the wedding.
I bring this up because I just somehow sliced open the base of my left pinky with one of my nails, and it's bleeding like a stuck pig. Good times.
Today has been pretty busy. I had a feeling that once I started to get a writing groove going here at work business would pick up and interrupt it, and sure enough.... It's just as well, though, because I'm having something of a crisis of confidence, or, I s'pose, a lack thereof. I can't tell whether anything I write is any good and I'm wondering if I should keep bothering, if I can still call myself a writer, if I still even want to be a writer, because it's so much easier just to go to work and be a glorified secretary and then go home and be a daughter and wife-to-be and not have to worry about being anything else. I still fantasize about being a successful working author, but those fantasies are becoming less tangible, feeling less like an ambition and more like a "wouldn't that be nice?" sort of indulgence, like what would happen if I won the lottery.
Of course I realize that this is mainly fear speaking. Fear that I'm not good enough, or that even if I am talented and skilled enough I still don't have what it takes, like for example the attention span necessary to finish a damn book, let alone stick with it through revisions and queries and submissions and rejections and lather, rinse, repeat.
I'm fairly certain I'll snap out of it. It's not like this is the first time I've ever felt this way, and yet somehow my manuscripts still keep poking along. Maybe it's time to consider joining a critique group. I think both the feedback and the sense of obligation that comes with putting unfinished work in front of people might motivate me, in addition to teaching me a few things. That was certainly what kept me going with the fanfic. I'm afraid, though--the limited stuff I've posted here has received little to no reaction, and I tend to assume that you can't say something nice, so you're saying nothing at all. And I know you guys like my writing, or at least you liked my fic. So putting it before strangers who are there to be brutally honest is a scary, scary proposition. But, I think, a necessary one.
So: anybody know any good fiction critiquing groups? Ones that aren't dedicated to fanfic? Or aren't, y'know, filled with fandom folks who still hate me?
6 comments:
Now, now. Stop that. /mothermode
You know I'm hit and miss when it comes to responding. It is my way. Heck, I rarely have time to post in my own journal! ;)
I *do* like your writing. All of it. I can't guarantee that I'd be completely impartial as a critic, since I like *you* too. But if you want to send something along I could try.
Don't give up any of your dreams. It's what makes us who we are.
{{hugs}}
Manoah
Oh, I know. After I posted and walked away I realized that as much as I'm letting my fears get the better of me I'm also attracted to the simplicity of giving up. With all the major change and upheaval in my life right now I'm looking to simplify as much as I can, and nothing would simple my life up faster than throwing my writing ambitions to the wind.
It could be that I just need a break. A real one, all guilt-free and chosen, not just a writer's-block-induced one. I probably shouldn't be trying to muster up passion for anything non-wedding-related until after the wedding is over and done with.
Phew. Less than three months to go...
If the need to write burns within you, write even if you may not write the Great American Novel.
I enjoyed your fanfic when I stumbled across it on the 'Net a couple of years ago.
I was amazed at the kerfuffle that happened on LJ. Surely, those folks have gotten over their snit by now, especially since you have been humble and apologetic. Do you think you could possibly re-enter with the fandom crowd? Go in quietly and re-establish yourself. It might be uncomfortable at first, but I think you could pull it off.
bojojoti
Thanks. I don't think so, though. It was time for me to leave fandom for better reasons than that I humiliated myself and people were mean to me. That last thing was just the kick in the pants that I needed to get out and let go. Besides, I lost what I foolishly believed were some really good friends in that kerfuffle, and that hurt still runs too deep. I can't travel in those circles again.
As for the need to write burning within me, that's the problem: it's not. At least not right now. Like I said, I think I'm too distracted by the whole getting married thing. I just need to wait til the dust settles and then see where I am. But in the meantime it might not hurt to run what I've got of my manuscripts through a critique circle or two, so maybe I'll have some direction when I'm ready to get started again. And at any rate, I write genre. Urban fantasy and romance. No literary snob worth her salt is going to ever consider that in the running for the Great American Novel. ;)
Boy, do I feel your pain in that post. Prior to those drabbles you read, I hadn't written anything in months. I kept telling myself I had other projects (cross-stitch stuff) that had deadlines and that I'd get back to writing when I had time.
I have to remind myself that if I'm serious I need to make time for writing.
And one thing that might cheer you up - if I don't comment on your writing, it's because I assume you know how good it is, not because I don't have anything nice to say. I'll try to make more of an effort; I know how important feedback is!
I caught yesterday's drabbles, too. I especially liked the Holtz one. It gave his actions a new perspective that made me pause and think. Great job.
I want to be serious about writing, but right now I just don't have the energy.
And I usually assume my writing is crap. I'll be proud of it just long enough to post it, and then I'm immediately embarrassed and have to fight with myself over whether or not to take it back down. I'm not fishing for compliments--I think this feeling is pretty typical among writers. But writing gets lonely, and it's so easy to lose perspective. We can all use encouragement from time to time. Encouragement tempered with concrit is good, too.
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