He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. —Psalm 113:9

April 20, 2010


I had a doctor's appointment today, to follow up from my surgery. Physically, I appear to be recovering on schedule. Emotionally, as I told the doctor, I'm still a bit shaky. She went over the tests available to me in more detail, so I can call my insurance provider and find out what they cover. The main priority, she said, is to have a thrombophilia workup, to check for various kinds of blood and clotting disorders. She also wants to get me back in to check for fibroids and ovarian cysts. I'm fairly optimistic that my insurance will cover these, since they check for things that can potentially threaten my life, in addition to the lives of any future babies we try to have.

I left the clinic today with mixed feelings. Not about having the tests -- I'm definitely going to have them, if they're covered, and maybe even if they're not covered if there's even a chance that they can prevent any more miscarriages. But that's the thing -- if there's something wrong with ME, with my body, that's causing this to happen... well. On the one hand, if it's treatable, and that means that I can go on to have a healthy pregnancy, then hallelujah! But on the other hand... I'd kind of assumed that there was some kind of genetic or chromosomal defect that kept each of my babies from surviving more than a few weeks. But if it's me? If the babies were both fine and the only reason they died is that my body failed them? That thought breaks what's left of my heart right in two.

I can't think about it too much right now, and keep myself together. I know that it does no good to blame myself, so I don't need anyone to tell me that. No matter what the true cause was, I'll never know, and I can't change it, and I couldn't have done anything to prevent it, either time. I know this. So tomorrow I'll buck up and call the insurance company and see what my options are, and we'll go from there.

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