I took a pregnancy test today. Thankfully, it was negative. My relief is as huge as the hours between when I first suspected I might be pregnant and I was able to take the test were agonizing.
For the past week or so, I've been feeling pretty tired, moreso than usual. I was shrugging it off, chalking it up to the heat, to taking on too many projects at once and pushing myself too hard, to not getting quality sleep... basically, any reason I could think of other than being pregnant. But then last night when I began to notice [Girly TMI Warning]breast soreness[/Girly TMI], I put two and two together and panicked, despite the fact that I've been faithfully taking birth control since three days after my last miscarriage. I mean, that stuff's only 99% effective, right? And it would just figure that with our luck, we'd fall in that 1% percentile of FAIL.
After my first miscarriage, I couldn't wait to get pregnant again. I'd been regaled with several stories about women who'd miscarried the first time only to turn right around and get pregnant again and have healthy pregnancies ending with healthy babies. Surely, I thought, I would be like those women. My miscarriage was but a fluke, and if we soldiered on, we'd still end the year by celebrating Baby's First Christmas. Then, two months later, I did get pregnant, and that pregnancy only outlasted the first one by a week.
It's been about two and a half months since then, and this time, I'm not ready. It's too soon to even contemplate trying again, because right now, having to go through all of that again would break me. All night long I kept reminding myself that God doesn't give us challenges that we're not strong enough to endure, and having my doubts as to whether that's really true, because I'm not strong enough yet. I've only just started in the last few weeks to feel like my old self again.
Besides which, I'm also taking various herbal and nutritional supplements and allergy meds, none of which would be good for a developing embryo. When we do finally decide to try again, I have a plan to stop taking all of these and start taking pre-natal vitamins at least six weeks before I stop taking birth control, to make sure my system is completely cleansed of anything that could potentially harm the baby. In the mean time, I'm working on getting my BMI back into the healthy range. I still plan to get good insurance so I can have our regular doctor check me out and follow up on the tests that the clinic recommended, and also so we can afford a really good OB and get the personalized attention that was lacking at the women's health clinic. Basically, I plan to do everything within my power to increase the next baby's chances of survival.
I don't know what I would have done if that test had been positive. I mean, my only real option would be to pray and hope for the best. But I would be afraid to hope, because hoping only makes it hurt worse when it all goes wrong. If it happened now, it would feel like an exercise in limbo, where I was stuck going through the motions of taking good care of my pregnant body while waiting for the inevitable. Needless to say, I'm nothing but grateful that I don't have to go through that right now.