He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. —Psalm 113:9

December 21, 2010

So this is Christmas

This has been a long, depressing day. After getting the news about Rob's nursing home application rejections, we headed over to the apartment to pack up some more of Mom's things. Matt played the tape on the answering machine, and we discovered that the entire last conversation between Mom and Rob got recorded. Her voice sounded like she felt terrible, and she said she'd been up all night throwing up. Rob encouraged her to get to a clinic and get checked out, but she just told him not to worry, that she'd be fine, all she needed was to get some rest.

A lot of questions went through our minds while we listened to that conversation, but the primary one was, why didn't she call us? It was so typical of her to downplay her own symptoms, to not want to be a bother to anybody. Now it's haunting us both to think that if she'd just called us to tell us she was sick and needed some help, she might still be here with us.

I wish they'd done an autopsy to determine exactly how and when she died, because it's really frustrating to not know. The medical examiner just chalked it up to natural causes, and assumed a heart attack while she slept. Today is the first we heard of her being sick, of having any symptoms other than a cough. But if she was vomiting and feeling sick... did she have the flu? Did she have food poisoning? Was she having a blood sugar attack? There are so many possibilities, and they all point to something that could have been treated, something she could have been saved from if only she'd been a better communicator.

Side note: I think the fact that Rob forgot such an important fact regarding his wife's death says a lot about his competence.

We both just feel so frustrated right now. And tired. I can't believe Christmas is just a few days away. We haven't even had time to think about Christmas plans since this happened. Even if we get time to wrap our gifts, I doubt we'll have the energy. Our Christmas will probably bear a striking resemblance to this this year.

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