He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. —Psalm 113:9

April 23, 2011

365: 14 and Birthday Party Blues

About to run to the store:

Yes, that is the old school (middle school?) Burton/Keaton era Bat signal on my chest, and yes, I have had this shirt since high school. *is old* *so is shirt*

Weight - 176
Mood - tired & headachey

It appears I was right about weighing over an hour later than usual throwing off my results. I weighed today at my usual time and came out at 176 -- the weight I was expecting. I know it must seem silly, and possibly vain or even heading into eating disorder territory, to get so discouraged over a one-pound difference, but hopefully it seems less so when you remember why I'm losing weight: to get my BMI to a point that's healthy enough to start trying for another baby. I've got a lot of hopes pinned on being able to get it down by at least two pounds a week. If that rate slows down, then that means I'll have to wait that much longer before we dare start trying again. And I'm so baby-crazy right now that I just might have to punch somebody if that happens.

Speaking of which, I'm missing my eight-year-old nephew's birthday party today, and I hate myself a little for it. I wrestled long and hard with the decision of whether to go, but in the end I knew that I'm still too fragile to put myself in that sort of situation. Of course nobody in my family has ever said anything to make me feel like they don't understand (at least, not to my face), but I still feel a need to explain, just in case somebody's thinking that my last MC was over a year ago now, and it's time for me to let it go and move on.

Well, first of all, you never let it go and completely move on. I've learned that from spending some time in the online MC community--this is normal, what I'm feeling, and there's really no way to rush the healing. It takes a long time. But also, related to but separate from the grief of the miscarriages is the grief of still being childless. And I don't think that goes away unless and until you, y'know, have a child. Or three.

It's the latter grief that I'm mostly dealing with right now, and the jealousy that comes with it of pretty much every mother on the face of the planet. That's why I'm avoiding these parties -- it's not being around the kids and babies that sends me into a downward spiral tailspin so much as it's being around all of the young mothers and pregnant women who'll be there. It feels like this secret club that I'm barred from being part of, and it hurts, and that's, of course, nobody's fault, which makes it even harder.

It's gotten so bad that I can hardly even stand to watch TV or movies that feature mother-child relationships. Not even older mothers with grown or teenage children, and ESPECIALLY not mothers and daughters. It sends me down this rabbit hole of thinking about everything I'll never get to have with Emma Grace, who I don't even know for certain was a girl, but my heart doesn't particularly care one way or another.

Oh good, I've made myself cry just writing this.

Anyway. As I said yesterday, I'm also hormonal right now, so that plus the lack of sleep and headache and ALL OF THE ABOVE is a bad enough combo without adding a kid's birthday party to the mix. I most certainly would have spent the whole party either locked in the bathroom and crying or hiding in a corner consoling myself with too much cake.

And that's why I didn't go. I'm sorry, Ash. I hope you had a good birthday and the weather didn't keep you from getting to have your bouncy castle, and I hope you know how much your Aunt Jeanie loves you.


Hope said...

Oh, I know what you mean! I, too, have a much harder time being around parents because I am so jealous of them. The only parents I can stand are ones who have had some struggles of their own, but in big group situations I just want to crawl into a rabbit hole.

Don't beat yourself up too much. Maybe you can find some time to get together with your nephew 1 on 1 in the near future (or maybe you already do that all the time). :-)

Erin Palette said...

I wish I could help you feel better, pookie. About the only think I can do is give hugs and offer to adopt you as my sister on Facebook.

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