Boring you with contentment

I think you can chart my overall mood by how often I blog here. I tend to update less when things are going well. When I'm generally content, I feel like the boringest person alive, and I can't think of anything interesting to say about my life. Isn't it sad that I only think I'm even vaguely interesting when I'm sad or grieving or dealing with hard stuff?

At any rate, for the most part things have been better lately. There's been a big shift in my overall mood since I decided to make the leap to self-publishing and got serious about my writing again. I think it's because I basically have two things in my life that I want so badly it hurts. One is to be a mother, and as the past year and a half has taught me, I don't have a lot of control over that.

The other is to be a full-time novelist. That has been my dream since I was at least 14 years old, but life kept putting that dream on hold, and it got subsumed by the motherhood dream, and it got to a point where it just felt unrealistic and unattainable. But things have changed. The market's changed. I'VE changed. And this dream, I have some control over. It might look different than it did when I was 14 -- back then it involved fame and fortune and an industrial loft in Manhattan; now it just looks like being able to pay the bills doing what I love to do most -- but it feels achievable again.

I feel like I'm back on the right track. There for a while, I was wrapped up in trying to become some kind of Internet Marketing Entrepreneur, all with the goal to generate some passive income so I could feel free to get the rest I'll need when I finally become pregnant again. I was building my mailing list, I was creating products, I was out there on the social networks, marketing my little heart out, but it never felt comfortable, and I didn't get very far, because that's just not me. I feel like that was all wasted energy that would have been better spent writing.

I can't undo any of that, but now that I've given my writing prominence in my life again, I feel like I've found a part of myself that was lost. I don't think I'll ever feel truly whole again after the miscarriages, but I feel like I've got part of my old self back, and I have to say, that feels really good.