He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. —Psalm 113:9

December 13, 2009


This post is serving as a warm-up for my brain. I'm so far behind, people. I wanted so badly to catch up last week, but there was the inevitable depression to contend with, and on top of that I think I picked up some little nasty on my last visit to the ER that left me with a mild sore throat and more of that fun run-down, lethargic feeling. And now I have so much to catch up on that I'm feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed.

My ADD is, of course, only compounding matters. For days I've had that ever-so-pleasant feeling that my brain is wrapped in layers of cotton, and I can't shake it. Normally, I'd take my Mega Mind and imbibe some caffeine and that would most likely fix me long enough to get some work done. But now, I'm basically treating my body like it's still pregnant in order to have it all detoxed and as safe as possible for the next baby attempt, so all stimulants and any supplements that carry even a remote risk of miscarriage are verboten. And I gotta tell you, it's hard. I haven't yet figured out how to deal with this ADD brain fog without the aid of stimulants, and it makes concentration so torturous that all I want to do is go lie down and never think about anything again, ever.

That's not really an option, though. My clients, bless them, have been so supportive and understanding through this ordeal, but I know I'm pushing the limits of their patience. I HAVE to get back to work. I have to get caught up. I might even have a new client starting next week, which is great because I need the distraction as much as I need the paycheck, but man. I've GOT to snap myself out of this.

To that end, I made a list of everything that's making me feel overwhelmed. The plan is to tackle them one at a time, in little five-minute bites, until they're done. I can do five minutes, and then after a rest I can do five minutes again, and so on until everything is done and I don't feel buried anymore. That's the plan, and here's hoping it works. I'll let you know how it goes.


Valerie said...

I know your thought process with the stimulants and everything right now, but my husband and I didn't get successfully pregnant (after a year of trying and loss) until I said, "Screw it!" and starting drinking wine and eating sushi again . Then, BOOM, we were pregnant and I stopped again, but was pleased to do so.

Not sure of your religious views, but the only thing that got me through it was the idea of "giving it to God." His shoulders are wide enough to carry your burdens. Once we let go and gave it to God, we felt immediate relief. It took us awhile to get there, but it did greatly help.

You are still in my thoughts and prayers.

J. M. Bauhaus said...

Thanks, Valerie. I'm working on the "giving it to God" part. It's something I have to pray about daily, but I'm getting there.

About the stimulants, right now I'm paranoid that I'll get pregnant and take something that could cause another miscarriage before I find out. All the doctors told me it was nothing I did, but I still can't help wondering if it was the ADD supplements I was taking that caused it. I just don't want to take the chance.

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