365: 17 and The Pill Saga

On my way out to waste a trip to the drug store:

Stats:
Weight - 176 :(
Mood - Just fine until I got there.

I didn't lose any this week, but I can't say I'm surprised. Before I continue with this post, I should probably warn those among you with more delicate sensibilities (i.e., the dudes) that I'm going to discuss icky girly TMI business throughout this post, starting with the next sentence. That said, this week I had my period, so my cravings were off the charts and my will-power was at an all-time low. Twice I caved in and binged on Easter candy and Cheez-its. The food of the gods, indeed. My energy was also really low, and between that and the rain, as already mentioned, I barely worked out all week. All things considered, I'm just glad I managed not to gain.

It's weird, though--I still feel like I lost. Maybe I lost some inches (or probably more like centimeters), if not pounds. Although I suppose it's more likely that I was just carrying excess water weight during my visitation from Aunt Flow and she took it with her when she left.

The birth control saga continues. To back up, I needed to renew my state Family Planning coverage before I got my prescription renewed, which I did last week. But then I kept forgetting about renewing the prescription until Wednesday, when I called the same clinic that did my thyroid test and renewed that prescription for me a few weeks ago. They were actually ready at that time to write me a new BC scrip, and told me I wouldn't need an exam since I had one last year (more like a dozen, actually, between my two pregnancies and losses). So I stupidly assumed that it wouldn't be a big deal for them to renew it over the phone.

I started calling on Wednesday to ask whether I could indeed renew it over the phone, or if they needed me to come in. When I asked the front desk, they transferred me to the nurse, and I got her voice mail. I left a message asking that very question, and waited for her to call back. She didn't. I called the next morning and got a voicemail message saying that I was calling during clinic hours, yet the clinic was closed, and I should leave a message. So I did. And again nobody called back. So I kept calling, and finally got through, and finally got to talk to the actual live nurse, who said she would ask the doctor and then call me back. Which, she didn't, and I wasn't able to get a hold of her again until Friday morning.

At which time she told me the doctor wanted me to come in and have a pap, and that they couldn't get me in until Monday. Except Matt needed to take our only operational car to his campus to take a test on Monday. So we'd have to do it Tuesday, which would cause me to miss two days, which would screw up my cycle and cause me to spot and bleed and cramp all month long. Yay. I pointed that out, and I also asked if, had somebody called me back and answered my question on Wednesday when I first started asking it, they'd have been able to get me in this week, and she said yes, but so sorry, now it will have to be Tuesday.

By this point I was so upset that I hung up without bothering to make the appointment. Then it occurred to me -- and I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner -- that I should try calling the OU Women's clinic, who handled my last pregnancy and MC and wrote me the prescription in the first place. Maybe they'd be willing to just call it in without seeing me first. So I did, and HALLELUJAH, they were! I still had to make an appointment to get a pap, but they said to just have the pharmacy contact them to hook me up with a temporary renewal in the mean time.

Which I did, and I gave them a whole 24 hours to fill it. And of course, when I went to pick it up (without calling first, natch), they were still waiting for a renewal response from the clinic, and of course they won't get one before Monday.

Grumble grumble cuss.

So now, best case scenario, I'll get it filled Monday and will only miss one day, and maybe that won't screw me up too badly, although knowing my body, I'm still sure to have some breakthrough bleeding for the next couple of weeks.

But as much as all of this has been a pain in the rear, the most frustrating thing about it is that I don't want to renew it. I want to stop taking it. Last time I went off of it, it took me eight months to get pregnant, and I feel strongly that if I stop taking it now, my body will finish adjusting to being off it around the same time I get my BMI to a healthy place and get my PCOS under control. The only reason I'm bothering to renew it at all is for Matt, because he's afraid I'm wrong, and that it's too much of a risk that I'd get pregnant immediately, before I've finished Project Oven Repair and before we've managed to get our finances on an upswing.

I know he's right, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. Which is why I came home from the drug store and crawled into bed and cried for twenty minutes, frustrated that getting this prescription refilled is such a hassle and just pissed off at the entire crappy situation that requires me to keep taking it. And also sad and angry that we're in a place where such a simple decision has to be so fraught with emotion and pain.

But after I cried it all out, and then prayed about it, I feel better. I'm trying to see this as an exercise in patience, and to trust in God's timing and His plan for us. I know it won't do any good for me to try to wrangle the situation by the horns and force it to go my way. I also know that, if we're meant to have a family, God's not going to allow a little thing like disagreement over when to go off the pill keep it from happening. And I know that the longer I give my body to heal and regenerate (within reason, seeing as how I'm not getting any younger), the better my next baby's chances of survival will be.